it's festive season, again, merry Christmas, and a happy new year....duh.....
being bothered with lab matters is the main headache for now, i hate to complain about this, i know i screwed the opportunity, i've messed up so much that, for the time left, i have no idea to compensate at all....
i might be a little lazy at times, and you can blame me for that for i will exclude human nature as an excuse, but it's not that i've not tried very hard to do my work, to go on with my project, am i right to really say that i'm bad-lucked with all these?i don't know, for professionals in laboratories, they might just tell me to work harder, deep in the heart teasing me for giving lousy excuses for lousy performances, can't really tell anyone, not to say that there's no one to listen, but maybe there isn't anyone who can really understand the situation, for those who're also working in lab, they might take it as something not trivial, for those who are not but who care for me much, they can only listen, may not be able to understand much, not to say about lending a hand to help.....
it seriously is putting me into a dillemma, my least expectation, in fact might be my only expectation now it seems, to complete my degree, with honours, is at stake somehow.....every failure in lab is shaking my determination to go for final year, and when i do feel such painful experiences in lab, can't help but just question, why continue if you just don't find the meaning working in lab for one more year?what's more? you're going to work even more intensively during final year....
but i know i'll kill myself if i just won't go for final year, yes i will, for all the years of efforts since i started schooling, there's no way for me to end it in a way i feel incomplete, no offense to those who did not choose final year but to me, final year is the proper ending, if not further....
festive seasons don't mean much to me, nothing but holiday, i'm not expressive to parent, neither are they, okay i'm not blaming them for educating me in such a way, but our way of living with each other in the family rather peaceful and quiet, literally.....i love them, meaning of festive seasons is going home during holidays and be sure they're in good health, living happily as always, and spend quality time as what's so called "family reunion"....
i'm blessed to be able to also spend quality time with my loved one this year, short but sweet, i treasure the moments, i appreciate and am deeply touched by the effort.....
other than that, what about friends? i'm not sure if it's valid to claim that after 2 years of being attached, i still remain unchanged in my social life, at least i'm damn sure i make great effort to remain the same for my friends......
the tastes of friends gathering have somehow, changed, bitter or sour? i can't tell exactly, it's neither tasty nor non-edible, more like a...a transition to somewhere unknown...it's a type of feeling, not experimental, can never be determined if it should be attributed to friends or myself.....there're times i felt awkward, even provoked, there're times when i felt warmth, understood, but the combination of feelings has become so strange that i couldn't recognize at times, making me wonder, has there something really happened?
i don't know
Monday, December 29, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
平安夜
连天文学家都一口咬定，因为全球暖化的效应，美国各地的人们应该不会看见白色圣诞，不料奇迹发生了。对于普天同庆的这一个节日，不知是否上天带来的一个好预兆，告诉人类，来年是个好年，少天灾，免人祸，也让千疮百孔的地球得以喘一口气？
说起圣诞节，说它是普天同庆的节日，似乎夸大其词了。对我而言，圣诞节对基督徒而言，委实是一个庆典，但对其他人来说，应该与公共假期无异。严格来说，一个对某个宗教意义非凡的日子被商家大肆炒作，变成了单纯消费且有假浪漫的假期，似乎有点可笑，却也有点可悲。
平安夜的这一晚，自己和朋友用个晚餐，独自回到宿舍里。可真是难得一间的奇景啊！几乎所有的房间都熄了灯，停车场只有“小车两三辆”，走廊也不见人影。回房间的路上，还真怀疑自己会否就是那么寂寞的可怜虫，宿舍只有自己。
平安夜，平安夜，顾名思义，大概就是希望大家都平平安安吧！我想如果这一刻和家人在一起，感受团聚的一刻，或许才是平安夜的意义所在。一整天的绵绵细雨，把气温降得似乎也有一点热带国家版本的白色圣诞，只是也好像浇熄了那么一点的疯狂，路上不见车子，也没听见圣歌在空气里飘扬，只有细雨滴滴答答的韵律，至少，在我眼中，这一个平安夜，固然有点寂寞，但却更显得平安，更显得宁静。
说起圣诞节，说它是普天同庆的节日，似乎夸大其词了。对我而言，圣诞节对基督徒而言，委实是一个庆典，但对其他人来说，应该与公共假期无异。严格来说，一个对某个宗教意义非凡的日子被商家大肆炒作，变成了单纯消费且有假浪漫的假期，似乎有点可笑，却也有点可悲。
平安夜的这一晚，自己和朋友用个晚餐，独自回到宿舍里。可真是难得一间的奇景啊！几乎所有的房间都熄了灯，停车场只有“小车两三辆”，走廊也不见人影。回房间的路上，还真怀疑自己会否就是那么寂寞的可怜虫，宿舍只有自己。
平安夜，平安夜，顾名思义，大概就是希望大家都平平安安吧！我想如果这一刻和家人在一起，感受团聚的一刻，或许才是平安夜的意义所在。一整天的绵绵细雨，把气温降得似乎也有一点热带国家版本的白色圣诞，只是也好像浇熄了那么一点的疯狂，路上不见车子，也没听见圣歌在空气里飘扬，只有细雨滴滴答答的韵律，至少，在我眼中，这一个平安夜，固然有点寂寞，但却更显得平安，更显得宁静。
Saturday, December 6, 2008
post-exam
listening to "home" by Michael Buble, and later another "home" by Chris Daughtry, it's obviously because of the title of the songs, who cares about what the lyrics really mean, i just wanna have the feeling, the longing feel of going home....
another 2 hours of lab meeting today, a little unusual this time, other than the usual updates from some of the members, boss had, personally, spoken a lot more....
i guess it's probably because few of the post-doc research fellow came back from overseas with experiences in other lab through short attachment or conferences, boss was analyzing the strengths and weaknesses of the lab, suggesting possible opportunities around, figuring out the potential "threat" posed by other labs......
not forgetting to remember of boss's usual kind of motivation for everyone to work hard, well everyone, except for me, he sorta went through the hierarchy and gave different advices and suggestions from post-doc to post-grad students to RA to honour students, and finally when he reached me, he simply said "wei feng, you're a happy guy, just stay where you are"
while that made a laughter for the whole lab, i'm not so sure if that's what he really meant, or giving a hint that he's somehow disappointed by me....
after second thought the joke from boss sounds perfectly normal, the distance between the head of department of physio and a rookie in lab, not even an honour student is way too much for him to bother much, well at least he's being kind and put everything in a very soft way.....
truth to be told, having 28 members in the lab just makes it looks pretty much like a mini corporate, where there are always external threats or competition and internal conflict of interests, despite its decent contribution to medical sciences, academia is pretty much just like any other industrial sector, perhaps a lot less interesting comparatively.....
anyway, things in lab still ain't going smooth and well for me, my proteins are still playing hide and seek with me, and seems do not have intention to show up anytime.......
another 2 hours of lab meeting today, a little unusual this time, other than the usual updates from some of the members, boss had, personally, spoken a lot more....
i guess it's probably because few of the post-doc research fellow came back from overseas with experiences in other lab through short attachment or conferences, boss was analyzing the strengths and weaknesses of the lab, suggesting possible opportunities around, figuring out the potential "threat" posed by other labs......
not forgetting to remember of boss's usual kind of motivation for everyone to work hard, well everyone, except for me, he sorta went through the hierarchy and gave different advices and suggestions from post-doc to post-grad students to RA to honour students, and finally when he reached me, he simply said "wei feng, you're a happy guy, just stay where you are"
while that made a laughter for the whole lab, i'm not so sure if that's what he really meant, or giving a hint that he's somehow disappointed by me....
after second thought the joke from boss sounds perfectly normal, the distance between the head of department of physio and a rookie in lab, not even an honour student is way too much for him to bother much, well at least he's being kind and put everything in a very soft way.....
truth to be told, having 28 members in the lab just makes it looks pretty much like a mini corporate, where there are always external threats or competition and internal conflict of interests, despite its decent contribution to medical sciences, academia is pretty much just like any other industrial sector, perhaps a lot less interesting comparatively.....
anyway, things in lab still ain't going smooth and well for me, my proteins are still playing hide and seek with me, and seems do not have intention to show up anytime.......
Monday, November 24, 2008
Emo
i seriously didn't realize how good i am nowadays to suppress all the stresses which i've been facing all along, not until something deliberately triggered the release of them.....
alright, i'm not having a exam schedule as tight as others, i'm not having papers as demanding as others, so does that mean i don't deserve to feel stressed?
give me a solid reason for me to continue to be here hanging on like a walking zombie?
i realize it's been a long long long time since i do something i really really really enjoy, i've been masking myself days and nights, i've been showing myself to be too strong to others, the belief that wei feng is a tough guy who can always manage his emotions and feelings pretty well is at least partially incorrect, if not fully...
as i said, now only that i realized i've learnt so well, that i've suppressed them all down unconsciously, all disappointment, all frustration, all sorts of negative feelings, having a fairly good control of emotion or simply high EQ is a must in the modern society, so i learn to SUPPRESS, without my acknowledgement....
i wish, the day will come, when i do not have to be responsible for others, i tend to take others' feelings and put them upon my shoulder, with the sacrifice of my own emotions, my own very needs......
blame my personality, don't tell me there are a lot more unfortunate people out there, i don't care even if there's a rule of not being allowed to stay moody as long as you're not the most unfortunate person on earth......
can i commit suicide?that's gonna hurt a lot of people's feeling, see i'm taking care of other people more than myself again, i hate being rational sometimes, getting more and more times in fact, it's just perfect for some other people to emotionally "bully" me while i stay calm, rationalizing every bits of childishness if i'm gonna get upset by those....
now i see, that's how i suppress everything inside, like what Wall-E does with all the rubbish, but Wall-E does release them out and manipulate them constructively, which makes me wonder, when was the last time i release all of them out and manipulate them constructively?
alright, i'm not having a exam schedule as tight as others, i'm not having papers as demanding as others, so does that mean i don't deserve to feel stressed?
give me a solid reason for me to continue to be here hanging on like a walking zombie?
i realize it's been a long long long time since i do something i really really really enjoy, i've been masking myself days and nights, i've been showing myself to be too strong to others, the belief that wei feng is a tough guy who can always manage his emotions and feelings pretty well is at least partially incorrect, if not fully...
as i said, now only that i realized i've learnt so well, that i've suppressed them all down unconsciously, all disappointment, all frustration, all sorts of negative feelings, having a fairly good control of emotion or simply high EQ is a must in the modern society, so i learn to SUPPRESS, without my acknowledgement....
i wish, the day will come, when i do not have to be responsible for others, i tend to take others' feelings and put them upon my shoulder, with the sacrifice of my own emotions, my own very needs......
blame my personality, don't tell me there are a lot more unfortunate people out there, i don't care even if there's a rule of not being allowed to stay moody as long as you're not the most unfortunate person on earth......
can i commit suicide?that's gonna hurt a lot of people's feeling, see i'm taking care of other people more than myself again, i hate being rational sometimes, getting more and more times in fact, it's just perfect for some other people to emotionally "bully" me while i stay calm, rationalizing every bits of childishness if i'm gonna get upset by those....
now i see, that's how i suppress everything inside, like what Wall-E does with all the rubbish, but Wall-E does release them out and manipulate them constructively, which makes me wonder, when was the last time i release all of them out and manipulate them constructively?
Sunday, November 9, 2008
独立
是什么时候觉得自己竟然可以一个人的在外头生活？这一种渐进性的改变，身边的人和自己都很难察觉，曾几何时，独立的在外生存，是多么遥不可及的想法，看来我还是半个被父母宠坏的孩子，虽然我只承认是半个，不是一整个。
不知不觉的两年了，第三个年头也在向我招手了。早已跨过成年的合法年龄的自己，心态上并没有觉得自己真得很成熟，也并不觉得自己是个成人。单只说独立在外头生活，其实我真的做到了吗？或许在风平浪静的时候吧！一旦面对生活的起起伏伏，虽不至于哭哭啼啼，或是恨不得飞奔到父母的怀里，但心里依然有一丝依赖的感觉，或许应该说，时不时会想“如果父母在身边，该有多好”。
忘了是哪一门课的教授，曾经说过一句话，他形容我们这一群大学生，除了经济之外，应该是蛮独立的一群成人。或许有一部分的人是吧！但我自己却不太敢承认自己是其中之一。或许对我来说，经济不能够独立，应该没有资格称自己做成年人。
无论如何，相较起从前，我确实独自走过了人生的两年，不是很长的日子，确实不长。回想往事，又怎能不想起曾经一起走过无数风雨的朋友？大家都各自为俗世的琐事奔波，在地球不同的角落寻找那凡尘背后的意义。想到这里，自己又何尝不是如此？佛家说的贪嗔痴，正是世人肚子里的蛔虫，促使我们像陀螺的旋转，道行较高的人转的较高较远，但始终一样的，就是大家都在旋转，到头来，摆脱了贪嗔痴，生命也似乎走到了尽头。
无法不怀念从前的生活，无时无刻都有朋友陪伴的生活，比起这两年来独自走的这一段路，感觉实在有天渊之别。遍布在地球各角落的朋友，不知道会不会在哪一个偷得空闲的晚上，也会想起那一段岁月的酸甜苦辣？也会为在地球另一端的知己默默祝福与支持？生活是苦的，多么乐天的人都不得不承认。感恩，不过是因为有许多比自己更苦的人，但不代表生活不苦。
脑袋随着身心的疲惫开始感觉虚脱，说话似乎没了重点，算了，告一段落吧。
不知不觉的两年了，第三个年头也在向我招手了。早已跨过成年的合法年龄的自己，心态上并没有觉得自己真得很成熟，也并不觉得自己是个成人。单只说独立在外头生活，其实我真的做到了吗？或许在风平浪静的时候吧！一旦面对生活的起起伏伏，虽不至于哭哭啼啼，或是恨不得飞奔到父母的怀里，但心里依然有一丝依赖的感觉，或许应该说，时不时会想“如果父母在身边，该有多好”。
忘了是哪一门课的教授，曾经说过一句话，他形容我们这一群大学生，除了经济之外，应该是蛮独立的一群成人。或许有一部分的人是吧！但我自己却不太敢承认自己是其中之一。或许对我来说，经济不能够独立，应该没有资格称自己做成年人。
无论如何，相较起从前，我确实独自走过了人生的两年，不是很长的日子，确实不长。回想往事，又怎能不想起曾经一起走过无数风雨的朋友？大家都各自为俗世的琐事奔波，在地球不同的角落寻找那凡尘背后的意义。想到这里，自己又何尝不是如此？佛家说的贪嗔痴，正是世人肚子里的蛔虫，促使我们像陀螺的旋转，道行较高的人转的较高较远，但始终一样的，就是大家都在旋转，到头来，摆脱了贪嗔痴，生命也似乎走到了尽头。
无法不怀念从前的生活，无时无刻都有朋友陪伴的生活，比起这两年来独自走的这一段路，感觉实在有天渊之别。遍布在地球各角落的朋友，不知道会不会在哪一个偷得空闲的晚上，也会想起那一段岁月的酸甜苦辣？也会为在地球另一端的知己默默祝福与支持？生活是苦的，多么乐天的人都不得不承认。感恩，不过是因为有许多比自己更苦的人，但不代表生活不苦。
脑袋随着身心的疲惫开始感觉虚脱，说话似乎没了重点，算了，告一段落吧。
Thursday, October 30, 2008
i just need some space and support
i just need some space and support, and probably some time to listen to me....
there are times when you've just gotta have faith in yourself, even if you don't know how, and you don't know why......
life sucks, but who i can tell this to?everyone is experiencing the same thing, everyone's got immune to this kinda stuff, no one will probably feel that i'm actually really experiencing something bad or can have the empathy for my situation, coz they're having difficulties themselves, so why should i bother telling anyone??
but what other ways do i have to just make myself feel better? as i said, everyone's stressed, i am too, still i've gotta keep everything just to myself, not letting it out, being afraid that it will worsen other people's situation....
i got back to my room everyday, being tired of all i've gotta bear endlessly, all i want is just something relaxing, maybe something lightening, and not too negative....
just hold on, there are people who need your support, and i've gotta do that, i tell myself....
nevermind, have a feeling like i'm talking nonsense over here.....
there are times when you've just gotta have faith in yourself, even if you don't know how, and you don't know why......
life sucks, but who i can tell this to?everyone is experiencing the same thing, everyone's got immune to this kinda stuff, no one will probably feel that i'm actually really experiencing something bad or can have the empathy for my situation, coz they're having difficulties themselves, so why should i bother telling anyone??
but what other ways do i have to just make myself feel better? as i said, everyone's stressed, i am too, still i've gotta keep everything just to myself, not letting it out, being afraid that it will worsen other people's situation....
i got back to my room everyday, being tired of all i've gotta bear endlessly, all i want is just something relaxing, maybe something lightening, and not too negative....
just hold on, there are people who need your support, and i've gotta do that, i tell myself....
nevermind, have a feeling like i'm talking nonsense over here.....
Monday, October 6, 2008
my nature
enjoying a cup of tea in a cafe while blogging, although it's only a tiny cafe in hostel, but with its dim lighting, soft musics, the thing that i was trying to do for the past days, is being done now effortlessly--blogging...
being in my own room, the coziest corner i thought it was in NUS, still i couldn't make myself to write just a few lines here, was really upset about that, really, really upset about it.....
i guess there's a reason why sofa is a must to be placed in the living room, what can i say? now that i'm sitting on a sofa, everything become so easy, i mean, when was the last time i felt so relaxed? my sleeping time last night? there's still doubt as to whether i can achieve such tranquility even when i'm sleeping every night.....
well the answer is obvious, even when i'm alone in my room, i'm not entirely relaxed, things in my head just don't wanna let me off for even a few hours, i'm not in any mood to write, not even few sentences, even when my mind is overloaded....
it's just my personality, nothing wrong with the environment, i'm already lucky enough, and everyone is treating me with their full heart, well, maybe not full heart, but at least very kindly....
knowing that there's someone actually facing the same problem as i'm now, even that he's at the other side of earth, does make me feel a little better, temporarily, but that doesn't solve the problem, i'm still feeling bad, i'm still inconfident with everything i'm doing now, i'm still doubting if i have the capability to boost up to the next level after the current one, i'm still questioning, my destiny....
it might be normal, it could be just another transition stage in life, and the list of reasons can just go on, and i know there's nothing much can be done to make me feel better right now, i can't just run away from everything here, i'm just gonna lost more than everything,
well c'mon man, it's just the beginning, you still have plenty of time and chances to switch in the future, well again as i said, it's my nature, who am i to fight with it?
being in my own room, the coziest corner i thought it was in NUS, still i couldn't make myself to write just a few lines here, was really upset about that, really, really upset about it.....
i guess there's a reason why sofa is a must to be placed in the living room, what can i say? now that i'm sitting on a sofa, everything become so easy, i mean, when was the last time i felt so relaxed? my sleeping time last night? there's still doubt as to whether i can achieve such tranquility even when i'm sleeping every night.....
well the answer is obvious, even when i'm alone in my room, i'm not entirely relaxed, things in my head just don't wanna let me off for even a few hours, i'm not in any mood to write, not even few sentences, even when my mind is overloaded....
it's just my personality, nothing wrong with the environment, i'm already lucky enough, and everyone is treating me with their full heart, well, maybe not full heart, but at least very kindly....
knowing that there's someone actually facing the same problem as i'm now, even that he's at the other side of earth, does make me feel a little better, temporarily, but that doesn't solve the problem, i'm still feeling bad, i'm still inconfident with everything i'm doing now, i'm still doubting if i have the capability to boost up to the next level after the current one, i'm still questioning, my destiny....
it might be normal, it could be just another transition stage in life, and the list of reasons can just go on, and i know there's nothing much can be done to make me feel better right now, i can't just run away from everything here, i'm just gonna lost more than everything,
well c'mon man, it's just the beginning, you still have plenty of time and chances to switch in the future, well again as i said, it's my nature, who am i to fight with it?
Thursday, September 11, 2008
压力啊！！
听着抒情音乐，随意得写下当下的感觉，原来是当时闲来无事的一种时间上的奢侈。。。。
隔了这么长的时间，大概有那两三年的时间，才又在这一个忙碌了一整天之后，好不容易偷得那一个小时的偷懒时间，突然间想起了陪伴了自己许多年的习惯。
写作本就是一种怡情的东西，莫说怡情，现在的自己，能有个时间喘口气也算不错了，拿来的闲情逸致要写作？
岁月不留人啊！再过几年，或许曾经排肩的兄弟变得陌生如过路人，曾经感情深厚的不像话的老朋友也难以在对方身上找到多聊几句的话题，甚至曾经熟悉的脸孔，变得不再熟悉。。。。
沉重的工作，压得自己透不过气，甚至到了一个连要抱怨的时间都没有，时间被占用到了一种忘记投诉的境界，我该庆幸上帝让我忙得忘记投诉？还是骤然停下脚步，对身边的一切进行最大的控诉？就算上诉成功，又能带来什么样的改变？周遭的一切，只会转得更快，走得越急。
生意人总喜欢货如轮转，自己反倒是觉得压力有点像生意人的货物，越转越快，越转越多。生意人赚得笑不拢嘴，压力把自己逼得不亦乐乎，而自己，只能任人鱼肉，可悲。。。。。
隔了这么长的时间，大概有那两三年的时间，才又在这一个忙碌了一整天之后，好不容易偷得那一个小时的偷懒时间，突然间想起了陪伴了自己许多年的习惯。
写作本就是一种怡情的东西，莫说怡情，现在的自己，能有个时间喘口气也算不错了，拿来的闲情逸致要写作？
岁月不留人啊！再过几年，或许曾经排肩的兄弟变得陌生如过路人，曾经感情深厚的不像话的老朋友也难以在对方身上找到多聊几句的话题，甚至曾经熟悉的脸孔，变得不再熟悉。。。。
沉重的工作，压得自己透不过气，甚至到了一个连要抱怨的时间都没有，时间被占用到了一种忘记投诉的境界，我该庆幸上帝让我忙得忘记投诉？还是骤然停下脚步，对身边的一切进行最大的控诉？就算上诉成功，又能带来什么样的改变？周遭的一切，只会转得更快，走得越急。
生意人总喜欢货如轮转，自己反倒是觉得压力有点像生意人的货物，越转越快，越转越多。生意人赚得笑不拢嘴，压力把自己逼得不亦乐乎，而自己，只能任人鱼肉，可悲。。。。。
Friday, August 22, 2008
practical
It's Friday of second week, semester 5 of my years in NUS, should I blame myself for being lazy and just didn't do anything constructive so far?
Adapting into a new environment is never easy for me, despite getting myself to be mentally prepared for it, I still feel that, for a period of time, I'm going to be under great stress
Dad must be feeling very happy when I told him that, I realized the best way is just to get my hands dirty and have some hands on experience, it's also when I told him on the phone about this that I suddenly recalled how often he mentioned this since I was still small. There're just too many things I gave excuses for not doing it all the time, making Dad repeating the piece of advice a lot of time, but seriously it won't go in until i got it felt myself this time
Still there are times when I, even myself don't quite believe I'm doing UROPS. Too many nonsense were made excuses for me to avoid the reality, and I simply bypass the advantages of so many things in life because of being afraid of troubles.
I'm still being protected, I'm still treated very nicely by others in the lab, despite that, I still feel so dumbed in the lab, so what if you score strings of As in all the modules?so what if you can answer every questions of professors brilliantly?as a student, what one does everyday in lecture theatre is not really helping much if, if, sticked to the books forever
Success is probably a mixture of perseverance, patience, commitment, faith, hardwork, passion, and very importantly, luck. I'm still a baby in the arena, if I want to be in this arena.
Adapting into a new environment is never easy for me, despite getting myself to be mentally prepared for it, I still feel that, for a period of time, I'm going to be under great stress
Dad must be feeling very happy when I told him that, I realized the best way is just to get my hands dirty and have some hands on experience, it's also when I told him on the phone about this that I suddenly recalled how often he mentioned this since I was still small. There're just too many things I gave excuses for not doing it all the time, making Dad repeating the piece of advice a lot of time, but seriously it won't go in until i got it felt myself this time
Still there are times when I, even myself don't quite believe I'm doing UROPS. Too many nonsense were made excuses for me to avoid the reality, and I simply bypass the advantages of so many things in life because of being afraid of troubles.
I'm still being protected, I'm still treated very nicely by others in the lab, despite that, I still feel so dumbed in the lab, so what if you score strings of As in all the modules?so what if you can answer every questions of professors brilliantly?as a student, what one does everyday in lecture theatre is not really helping much if, if, sticked to the books forever
Success is probably a mixture of perseverance, patience, commitment, faith, hardwork, passion, and very importantly, luck. I'm still a baby in the arena, if I want to be in this arena.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
Fake
there are people who take you for granted, even if you're as good as a saint, there will always be people like this kind around you......
to be able to mix around well socially is a big issue for youngsters, it's a source of peer pressure, what's more? it somehow symbolizes the popularity of a person, kinda a recognition of success of someone.....
i was once a victim of this problem, i was once a silly person who always do silly things just to attract public attention, and guess what, i was once a person who was disliked by most, i mean MOST of the people around me, including some of my good friends....
i used to hate those fake faces very much, i hated those "2 face" people, they are angels in front of the public, but they are actually worse than evils, if you look deep into their hearts.....
being a true villain, or rather, being an "honest" evil, is a lot better than being a "2 face" you see, i can still recall the times when i was so frustrated with the "fakeness"....
yes i was a true villain, i wan an "honest" villain, and i hated "2 face" people around me, they are worse than me, and yet i'm bearing the critics.....
well i guess every hard time in life comes with a great lesson, i've changed tremendously after that period of time, i've been, since then very very honest to myself, frustration or anger are all over, they're just nothing but self-torturing negative emotions, there's no more hatred for the fakes, but i now look down to them, in some cases, i feel pathetic for them, there'll be a time, when they finally realized the truth, when they finally have to pay great prices for their sins......
as i said, to mix well socially is important, and to do well in that you must somehow know how to fit into the situation, but never lose your true self, and never become a "2 face", you think you're doing great, but the fact is you're getting drained into a trap that you cannot be saved, you think you're being everyone's favourite, think twice before other people take off your mask one by one.....
to be able to mix around well socially is a big issue for youngsters, it's a source of peer pressure, what's more? it somehow symbolizes the popularity of a person, kinda a recognition of success of someone.....
i was once a victim of this problem, i was once a silly person who always do silly things just to attract public attention, and guess what, i was once a person who was disliked by most, i mean MOST of the people around me, including some of my good friends....
i used to hate those fake faces very much, i hated those "2 face" people, they are angels in front of the public, but they are actually worse than evils, if you look deep into their hearts.....
being a true villain, or rather, being an "honest" evil, is a lot better than being a "2 face" you see, i can still recall the times when i was so frustrated with the "fakeness"....
yes i was a true villain, i wan an "honest" villain, and i hated "2 face" people around me, they are worse than me, and yet i'm bearing the critics.....
well i guess every hard time in life comes with a great lesson, i've changed tremendously after that period of time, i've been, since then very very honest to myself, frustration or anger are all over, they're just nothing but self-torturing negative emotions, there's no more hatred for the fakes, but i now look down to them, in some cases, i feel pathetic for them, there'll be a time, when they finally realized the truth, when they finally have to pay great prices for their sins......
as i said, to mix well socially is important, and to do well in that you must somehow know how to fit into the situation, but never lose your true self, and never become a "2 face", you think you're doing great, but the fact is you're getting drained into a trap that you cannot be saved, you think you're being everyone's favourite, think twice before other people take off your mask one by one.....
Tuesday, August 5, 2008
lab
some random caps of the lab, first picture was the autopsy roomtoday should be the fifth day i spent my days in lab, as a preparation for UROPS, it's so far kinda overwhelming, every little things that i'm in contact with are new in my life
"lab is different from textbook, it's technical"
"so is working life"
that's how i answered the post doctoral fellow i'm working for, he seems quite satisfied with the answer, in fact i do have that strong feeling, what i'm doing in lab is like working, totally a new world from textbooks, i guess there's enough of theory and time to make my hands dirty for practicals, the technical stuff.....
anyway, though it's indeed overwhelming for me so far, it's interesting nonetheless
Saturday, July 26, 2008
year 3
if the start of a semester is counted from the day you're settled into your room, today is the first day of my year 3 in NUS.....
i think the one month i spent at home is just too short...erm, i shouldn't say it's too short, but maybe after another month relaxing at home, when i'm back here again, mentally i was unprepared, the place here is so familiar, and yet you just can't believe you've left here for a month, and now you're back here again, arh...i just don't know how to note down the feelings...
tuesday is the day for me to kick start, it's going to be a good start, i keep telling myself, i've gone through enough miserable life here, and what i need desperately now is to utilize every seconds wisely from now on, to pursue what i'm here to pursue, to do what i'm here to do, and most importantly, to make my 4 years here not a regretful one.....
freshmen are very passive this year, very, very sad to say that, and i can sense the emptiness in this very place, not only because some good friends ain't staying here anymore, but also i don't see people around, though probably when semester starts, when there are people everywhere, i'd complain for the congestion again....
anyway, i'm in a new room again, let's just hope this will be a good start for all of us
i think the one month i spent at home is just too short...erm, i shouldn't say it's too short, but maybe after another month relaxing at home, when i'm back here again, mentally i was unprepared, the place here is so familiar, and yet you just can't believe you've left here for a month, and now you're back here again, arh...i just don't know how to note down the feelings...
tuesday is the day for me to kick start, it's going to be a good start, i keep telling myself, i've gone through enough miserable life here, and what i need desperately now is to utilize every seconds wisely from now on, to pursue what i'm here to pursue, to do what i'm here to do, and most importantly, to make my 4 years here not a regretful one.....
freshmen are very passive this year, very, very sad to say that, and i can sense the emptiness in this very place, not only because some good friends ain't staying here anymore, but also i don't see people around, though probably when semester starts, when there are people everywhere, i'd complain for the congestion again....
anyway, i'm in a new room again, let's just hope this will be a good start for all of us
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
stressed
i feel stressed, first time because of my family....
when my dad first told me he's retiring, my first thought was actually concerning his life after retirement, he's not a very socially active person, doesn't have friends around, and his life for all these years, were actually committed fully to work and family, long before this coming day, my mom and i had once discussed on this matter, what's his life going to be after retirement, when half of his time a day suddenly is emptied....
i don't have to be an expert to be able to imagine the situation like, some men, those who are seriously inactive other than his own career, can get into severe depression after retiring....
my dad started working since 11 or 12 years old according to him, that was when he's back from school he would go help in grandpa's farm, until he graduated form college and started his own career, more than 40 years that he's never been "free" literally, he admitted that indeed he's a bit unadapted to the situation, feels a bit blue recently, and even without him saying that, my mum and i can easily feel it, and what a coincidence that my youngest sister just left home for further studies few weeks ago, which means 2 days later when i'll go back to NUS, mum and dad will be alone at home. I'm not worried about them not being able to take care of themselves physically, but just, mum's got 8 years more before taking that big step of life, while my dad is, inevitably taking it in few days time...
he'll help in my aunt's nursery, temporarily, as a driver, he also talked to a few colleagues, hoping to locate probably a job, a less stressful one, of course not so well paid one....
financial wise, he assured me that mum and him have no problem supporting 3 of us till graduation. Of course i do believe in their financial planning very much, but it wasn't difficult for me to sense that, there's still something that they're concern regarding financial stuff, my dad's drug is costing an amount every month, and having family income deducted by half just make them a little insecure, at least for this beginning stage.....
which makes me think of the next thing, i, as the eldest son, will have the responsibility to support the family....mum and dad has never mentioned anything about that, but seeing a sudden change in my family, i feel a huge burden resting on my shoulder suddenly, something that never has crossed my mind, and it's coming very soon.....
when my dad first told me he's retiring, my first thought was actually concerning his life after retirement, he's not a very socially active person, doesn't have friends around, and his life for all these years, were actually committed fully to work and family, long before this coming day, my mom and i had once discussed on this matter, what's his life going to be after retirement, when half of his time a day suddenly is emptied....
i don't have to be an expert to be able to imagine the situation like, some men, those who are seriously inactive other than his own career, can get into severe depression after retiring....
my dad started working since 11 or 12 years old according to him, that was when he's back from school he would go help in grandpa's farm, until he graduated form college and started his own career, more than 40 years that he's never been "free" literally, he admitted that indeed he's a bit unadapted to the situation, feels a bit blue recently, and even without him saying that, my mum and i can easily feel it, and what a coincidence that my youngest sister just left home for further studies few weeks ago, which means 2 days later when i'll go back to NUS, mum and dad will be alone at home. I'm not worried about them not being able to take care of themselves physically, but just, mum's got 8 years more before taking that big step of life, while my dad is, inevitably taking it in few days time...
he'll help in my aunt's nursery, temporarily, as a driver, he also talked to a few colleagues, hoping to locate probably a job, a less stressful one, of course not so well paid one....
financial wise, he assured me that mum and him have no problem supporting 3 of us till graduation. Of course i do believe in their financial planning very much, but it wasn't difficult for me to sense that, there's still something that they're concern regarding financial stuff, my dad's drug is costing an amount every month, and having family income deducted by half just make them a little insecure, at least for this beginning stage.....
which makes me think of the next thing, i, as the eldest son, will have the responsibility to support the family....mum and dad has never mentioned anything about that, but seeing a sudden change in my family, i feel a huge burden resting on my shoulder suddenly, something that never has crossed my mind, and it's coming very soon.....
Monday, July 7, 2008
路
最后一次用中文写部落格是什么时候,自己都忘得一干二净了...
诚如一位朋友所说,我不想看见有一天,连自己失去了什么都不知道.写作是自己很喜欢的一样东西,我实在不想看见有一天,自己会沦落到用半咸不淡的中文写作.
好像第一次在这么短的时间送离了那么多的人,有弟妹,也有朋友.开始明白别人所说的,送别的人,比离去的人,一样的难过.我的假期还可以有很长,但是朋友渐渐的都不在身边了.我的意思是,短期内,都不会在身边了.越过海洋,飞到他洲见识,实在是一件不得不承认的好事.我看见身边的朋友一个一个的飞了,为他们感到骄傲之余,突然惊觉,我又慢慢的步向人生的另一个旅程碑.过去的二十年一直沉溺在学生的身份,似乎在不久的将来,甜美的梦就会苏醒.坦白说,我一点心理准备都没有,但是身边的转变,还有看着比自己年轻那么多的学弟学妹,还有摆在眼前要走的路,无论多么的惊慌失措,我还得开始收拾心情,因为这一切,来得比我想象的要快很多,而且还会越来越快.
还是会感到害怕,还是会缺乏安全感,虽然这一切暂时还是看来那么的风平浪静.只因为,这世界变幻无常,朝秦暮楚的,下一刻会发生的事,没有人说得准.
路,长得很,但是好像越来越窄了,容不下第二个人陪我继续走下去.或许这正是我此刻的心情,未来的路,越来越艰难,但是却越来越狭窄.对生命充满热忱的人,我只能感到佩服,我需要的,或许就是那一份热忱,一股冲劲....
诚如一位朋友所说,我不想看见有一天,连自己失去了什么都不知道.写作是自己很喜欢的一样东西,我实在不想看见有一天,自己会沦落到用半咸不淡的中文写作.
好像第一次在这么短的时间送离了那么多的人,有弟妹,也有朋友.开始明白别人所说的,送别的人,比离去的人,一样的难过.我的假期还可以有很长,但是朋友渐渐的都不在身边了.我的意思是,短期内,都不会在身边了.越过海洋,飞到他洲见识,实在是一件不得不承认的好事.我看见身边的朋友一个一个的飞了,为他们感到骄傲之余,突然惊觉,我又慢慢的步向人生的另一个旅程碑.过去的二十年一直沉溺在学生的身份,似乎在不久的将来,甜美的梦就会苏醒.坦白说,我一点心理准备都没有,但是身边的转变,还有看着比自己年轻那么多的学弟学妹,还有摆在眼前要走的路,无论多么的惊慌失措,我还得开始收拾心情,因为这一切,来得比我想象的要快很多,而且还会越来越快.
还是会感到害怕,还是会缺乏安全感,虽然这一切暂时还是看来那么的风平浪静.只因为,这世界变幻无常,朝秦暮楚的,下一刻会发生的事,没有人说得准.
路,长得很,但是好像越来越窄了,容不下第二个人陪我继续走下去.或许这正是我此刻的心情,未来的路,越来越艰难,但是却越来越狭窄.对生命充满热忱的人,我只能感到佩服,我需要的,或许就是那一份热忱,一股冲劲....
Monday, June 30, 2008
farewell
captured at school
the outgoing batch of 6th form comms...
with beloved teacher advisors
the outgoing and incoming presidents
the organizing chairlady of the farewell gathering
it's really more than just a nice feeling for me, it's more than that.....
it's nothing more than just a visit back to school, to my beloved teachers, more like friends now, little did i expect it to turn out to be a fruitful experience, memories recalling one indeed, and my mind is so occupied even until now....
being the comm. of year 04/05, it's really an honour for me, to be one of the few who had the opportunity to attend the farewell dinner organized exclusively for comm. of year 07/08, more than 3 years younger than us, i'll bet none of the juniors actually recognized who we are.....
i was informed about the successes of the society by the teachers and was really keen to see for myself, so when pn lau mentioned about the farewell, i didn't really think much but straightaway asked if my attendance is allowed, well it ended up i had a great night, bringing me back lots and lots of things in my mind that i once thought it's long lost.....
i seldom have the feeling of envious, being a young person, it's always a nature for me to look forward, but rarely backward, last night was one of the very few events in my life that would make me do so.....
my life has changed tremendously after 6th form, the feelings in my heart, the thinking in my mind were all replaced to survive in new environments since then, i thought the old ones were nowhere to be found anymore, i thought i'd lost the old me, but it's nothing more than just a farewell dinner that located the olds back, somewhere deep in my mind, deep in my heart.....
yes, i envy the young people at the party, i was once like one of them, and i miss being one of them, there were things other than friendship that reminded me feelings buried in my subconscious, living with a close group of friends, i know i can never go back again....
i'm never the same old me, i realize that by being so sober, despite all the feelings popped out all of a sudden in just one night, i was shocked, and yes i was unprepared, yet i remained calm and also with a clear mind, that's what, differentiate the old and the new me now.....
things will never be the same, will never go back to the old days, nonetheless, i feel sincerely grateful for the golden opportunity, it's fated somehow, i know, and i'm thankful for it, really.
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
i'm home
this is the third time I’m blogging in the bus while going home and guess what, I’m starting to like it, for no reasons….
I guess it’s not entirely without reasons, there’s no doubt that I’m definitely in a good mood whenever I’m travelling home, unless there’s something unexpected which require me to go back, other than that, going home from time to time somehow symbolizes a transition from a stage of life to another, it may not be a big one, probably from semester 3 to semester 4, things like that, but I’m a person who look back quite often if you wonder, and times like this are pretty handful for me to do some feedback on things that I’d done, words that I’d given to others, etc….
Well at least for this time, there’s some changes before and after I go home from university, when I go back to NUS again, a lot of friends are no longer staying in hostel but rather, outside…well I definitely am feeling lucky to be the one of the few survivors, nonetheless having so many people to have left the place where we used to stay together is somehow saddening, I can’t tell the exact feeling now, it’s not yet happening, i’m probably just preparing mentally, after all, changes, is the essence of life…..
Another transition at this stage is, when I go back again, I’ll be involved in some sort of student research programme, I can’t call it as a research programme exactly, I’m probably just helping out here and there in a academic research laboratory, taking a baby step in the real research arena, it’s significant though, as without the baby step, I wouldn’t know when, or even if I will ever be involved in this arena anymore….it certainly has brought me some excitements and I must admit that I’m looking forward to it, it’s just that at the same time, life will never be the same again, my schedule will be packed, and I guess I have a new priority in my daily life, or you can call it a short term goal in life…..
The taxi driver who drove me from PGP to boon lay place was a malay guy, and a very talkative person, though I half suspected that he did that purposely to earn more taxi fare from me by taking a few extra rounds, anyway not talking about that, he did tell me something that I hear from Singaporeans very very rarely, and he’s actually a Singaporean….
I’ve heard Singaporeans complaining their government, from public policies to public transport systems, well that’s a norm, but this guy just now, said something that, I actually have them in my mind, and for once I thought I was the only one who had it…..
“Singaporeans don’t actually earn anything, their assets are 0s, what the foreigners see are just the cover, those who realize this are Singaporeans who look into the content of the book”, to quote the uncle…..
For a very long time I insisted that I will earn enough money by working in Singapore and return home, by utilizing the exchange rate of Sing dollar to RM, I should be able to conduct a decent life….
Well how much is enough? How long is enough? And you really are willing to accept salaries in Malaysia after getting payed Sing dollar for years?
Questions by questions they come like tsunami, both in mind and also from friends’ mouths, for I always think that, to earn sing dollar in order to buy a car and a house in Singapore, is somehow not so practical, something like, you earn and you spend it, nothing left in your pocket…..
After 2 years being in Singapore, I don’t know how strong still this mindset is in my thinking, and life is getting busier that this topic is rarely raised up, until today when the uncle talked about it, honestly, I was actually happy to have someone who share the same view with me, although I didn’t tell him what I thought, but I guess I’m not totally a freak after all, that someone actually have the same opinion as I do, lol…….
1 more month of vacation in hometown, and here comes a new life, partially maybe….
I guess it’s not entirely without reasons, there’s no doubt that I’m definitely in a good mood whenever I’m travelling home, unless there’s something unexpected which require me to go back, other than that, going home from time to time somehow symbolizes a transition from a stage of life to another, it may not be a big one, probably from semester 3 to semester 4, things like that, but I’m a person who look back quite often if you wonder, and times like this are pretty handful for me to do some feedback on things that I’d done, words that I’d given to others, etc….
Well at least for this time, there’s some changes before and after I go home from university, when I go back to NUS again, a lot of friends are no longer staying in hostel but rather, outside…well I definitely am feeling lucky to be the one of the few survivors, nonetheless having so many people to have left the place where we used to stay together is somehow saddening, I can’t tell the exact feeling now, it’s not yet happening, i’m probably just preparing mentally, after all, changes, is the essence of life…..
Another transition at this stage is, when I go back again, I’ll be involved in some sort of student research programme, I can’t call it as a research programme exactly, I’m probably just helping out here and there in a academic research laboratory, taking a baby step in the real research arena, it’s significant though, as without the baby step, I wouldn’t know when, or even if I will ever be involved in this arena anymore….it certainly has brought me some excitements and I must admit that I’m looking forward to it, it’s just that at the same time, life will never be the same again, my schedule will be packed, and I guess I have a new priority in my daily life, or you can call it a short term goal in life…..
The taxi driver who drove me from PGP to boon lay place was a malay guy, and a very talkative person, though I half suspected that he did that purposely to earn more taxi fare from me by taking a few extra rounds, anyway not talking about that, he did tell me something that I hear from Singaporeans very very rarely, and he’s actually a Singaporean….
I’ve heard Singaporeans complaining their government, from public policies to public transport systems, well that’s a norm, but this guy just now, said something that, I actually have them in my mind, and for once I thought I was the only one who had it…..
“Singaporeans don’t actually earn anything, their assets are 0s, what the foreigners see are just the cover, those who realize this are Singaporeans who look into the content of the book”, to quote the uncle…..
For a very long time I insisted that I will earn enough money by working in Singapore and return home, by utilizing the exchange rate of Sing dollar to RM, I should be able to conduct a decent life….
Well how much is enough? How long is enough? And you really are willing to accept salaries in Malaysia after getting payed Sing dollar for years?
Questions by questions they come like tsunami, both in mind and also from friends’ mouths, for I always think that, to earn sing dollar in order to buy a car and a house in Singapore, is somehow not so practical, something like, you earn and you spend it, nothing left in your pocket…..
After 2 years being in Singapore, I don’t know how strong still this mindset is in my thinking, and life is getting busier that this topic is rarely raised up, until today when the uncle talked about it, honestly, I was actually happy to have someone who share the same view with me, although I didn’t tell him what I thought, but I guess I’m not totally a freak after all, that someone actually have the same opinion as I do, lol…….
1 more month of vacation in hometown, and here comes a new life, partially maybe….
Friday, June 20, 2008
malaysians
Malaysians, our identities, how I wish that one day, I can tell others, Malaysians are undivided, regardless of skin colours, and we are proud of the unity
Monday, June 9, 2008
home
it's almost a month after my last paper early May, and i barely had any mental preparation to admit that, largely because, as usual, i honestly have no idea what'd i done so far....
it's the first time for me to not go home for such a long time, guess it's almost 4 months already, and deep in my heart i can sense the desperation of going home, and the feeling is getting stronger and stronger, though i know, there won't be much for me as years pass, friends back in hometown are getting lesser, most of them are busy in university, but home, is all i need now.....
i know there's another person who is as homesick as i am, there's very little thing i can do other than just try to be with her as much time as i can, 3 months vacation is long, not necessary a good thing, the longer you have, the more commitment you need to make, the more stuff you need to take care of.....
as one grows older, the vacation in life gets shorter, a saying in spiderman movie, with great power comes great responsibilities, well we're not superheroes, but as we grow older, no doubt our abilities get upgraded gradually, and everyone has a destiny to fulfil, yeah, destiny, this word doesn't only apply to great people, but to every ordinary people like you and me...
the topic gets dragged too far, there's still a couple of weeks before my scheduled plan of going home, i shall look forward to the day of going home.....
it's the first time for me to not go home for such a long time, guess it's almost 4 months already, and deep in my heart i can sense the desperation of going home, and the feeling is getting stronger and stronger, though i know, there won't be much for me as years pass, friends back in hometown are getting lesser, most of them are busy in university, but home, is all i need now.....
i know there's another person who is as homesick as i am, there's very little thing i can do other than just try to be with her as much time as i can, 3 months vacation is long, not necessary a good thing, the longer you have, the more commitment you need to make, the more stuff you need to take care of.....
as one grows older, the vacation in life gets shorter, a saying in spiderman movie, with great power comes great responsibilities, well we're not superheroes, but as we grow older, no doubt our abilities get upgraded gradually, and everyone has a destiny to fulfil, yeah, destiny, this word doesn't only apply to great people, but to every ordinary people like you and me...
the topic gets dragged too far, there's still a couple of weeks before my scheduled plan of going home, i shall look forward to the day of going home.....
Thursday, May 29, 2008
tele agent....
i never thought that, talking on the phone, can be so demanding, so overwhelming.....
it's the first day of being a tele agent, or so-called tele markerter, the so-called training was just a simple introduction or background given on the project i'm working on, and also a show of how the system works in the company, nothing more than that, and i was expected to explore in the wide ocean......
i don't like it, i don't like the environment of the office, it's congested with tables, fitted maximally to accommodate as many computers and people as possible, and when everything kick start, it's very much like a trade centre of stock, where everyone speak very fast, move very fast, work very fast, in case you wonder, i hate those....
my supervisor speaks and works like a bullet train, well i think she's working hard to exceed the speed of a bullet train, and guess what, she's sitting just beside me.....
i have a tendency to feel disgusted every time i start out something new, i don't know if this is also another norm of me, but what i can tell is, i still overwhelmed by all the calls i made, and i hope i can stand it, before i started to get really crazy......
it's the first day of being a tele agent, or so-called tele markerter, the so-called training was just a simple introduction or background given on the project i'm working on, and also a show of how the system works in the company, nothing more than that, and i was expected to explore in the wide ocean......
i don't like it, i don't like the environment of the office, it's congested with tables, fitted maximally to accommodate as many computers and people as possible, and when everything kick start, it's very much like a trade centre of stock, where everyone speak very fast, move very fast, work very fast, in case you wonder, i hate those....
my supervisor speaks and works like a bullet train, well i think she's working hard to exceed the speed of a bullet train, and guess what, she's sitting just beside me.....
i have a tendency to feel disgusted every time i start out something new, i don't know if this is also another norm of me, but what i can tell is, i still overwhelmed by all the calls i made, and i hope i can stand it, before i started to get really crazy......
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
师生关系
今天完成了science dean's office的第三天工作，也不知道是不是这个长假的最后一天。。。
宽柔独中参观，到访了数个较普通的实验室及一个学生宿舍。别的事没干，就陪着学生和老师跑了一整天。。。
不知为何，一大班学生给我的感觉，就是一群大小孩，还未长大的小孩。。。
老师和他们的关系，总让我觉得，有点像小学的师生关系，老师对孩子的关怀，好像我从中学已经鲜少感觉得到，所以有点让我羡慕的感觉？我也不懂，或许师生关系，就是应该如此吧！我感觉不了，或许是没有这份福分。
宽柔独中参观，到访了数个较普通的实验室及一个学生宿舍。别的事没干，就陪着学生和老师跑了一整天。。。
不知为何，一大班学生给我的感觉，就是一群大小孩，还未长大的小孩。。。
老师和他们的关系，总让我觉得，有点像小学的师生关系，老师对孩子的关怀，好像我从中学已经鲜少感觉得到，所以有点让我羡慕的感觉？我也不懂，或许师生关系，就是应该如此吧！我感觉不了，或许是没有这份福分。
Sunday, May 18, 2008
luck
i guess my luck still ain't improving......well in case any of you guys wonder, the first 2 were taken after i've FINALLY shifted and cleaned my vacation room, while the last 2 were taken when i had to wait for a whole week before i got a room to shift and had to stay in a messy room, without able to unpack all the stuff....
i seriously have no idea of why is my luck missing after finals.....i wish anyone can tell me.....
i had to endure staying in a store room for a damn whole week without having mood to do anything constructive, friends came down from malaysia for a few days and even when my initial plan was to join them, due to the f**king unlucky series of incidents i wasn't able to join them, when i know they came down to visit us, i had my toe hit on the door, causing basically rather immobile for a few days, and today when i finally am confident with my recovery i wore sport shoes to play badminton, i sprained my ankle......
ok, fine, it's luck to blamed, i didn't do anything wrong, in fact i didn't do anything, feel that it's been so long although it was only actually a week......
and the weather is freaking hot here, again......
oh god....
Friday, May 16, 2008
过一天算一天
朋友来了几天，原定的计划是好好地与他们玩上几天，结果因为一连串的意外，搞得从头到尾都没见面几次，虽不能说非常难过，但难掩失望之色。
也不能说完全没见面，还是在一起用了几餐，走了一会儿的校园及百货公司。问题在哪里呢？我是真的老了吗？还是，我脱节了？之前一直被朋友笑说我的身体逐渐老化，我却不敢苟同。当然，自己的身形已经没有当年的标准，赘肉开始增长，但也不至于到达老化的境界，我的体能还是有相当的水准。既是如此，为何朋友还会开这样的玩笑？我不禁开始怀疑，自己的生活习惯，开始与他们脱节。一开始以为的，是与他们脱节，表示与年轻脱节。过后再细细想来，也不禁哑然失笑，我如今走的路，过的生活，是自己的选择，但我的心境却从不觉老，又何来变老之谈？
但说真的，人体老化的现象实在趋向年轻化，自己的身材也开始在转变，才不禁让自己提高了警惕。开始注意了自己的生活习惯。早睡早起，多喝水，多吃蔬果，少吃油腻食物，多运动，等等等等。。。。年轻，是本钱，但是不是无尽的泉源，带的有一天突然发觉这个道理，可能对某些人来说，为时已晚。
话说回来，最近这几天的霉运实在不想多提，就算身处三个月的长假，也没有期待或雀跃的心情。迫切所想的，是能尽快完成搬家的使命，至少让我真正感觉到身处在一间房间，而不是货舱。如无意外周末应该能够完成，但愿不要再出什么乱子。工作呢？懒啊，我从不否认自己由头到尾都不想在假期里工作，若不是假期长得可怕，真是想也不用想。随缘吧，想太多，只怕连假期最基本的权利，躲开压力的机会都丧失。
基本上，我的日子，还是过一天算一天。。。。
也不能说完全没见面，还是在一起用了几餐，走了一会儿的校园及百货公司。问题在哪里呢？我是真的老了吗？还是，我脱节了？之前一直被朋友笑说我的身体逐渐老化，我却不敢苟同。当然，自己的身形已经没有当年的标准，赘肉开始增长，但也不至于到达老化的境界，我的体能还是有相当的水准。既是如此，为何朋友还会开这样的玩笑？我不禁开始怀疑，自己的生活习惯，开始与他们脱节。一开始以为的，是与他们脱节，表示与年轻脱节。过后再细细想来，也不禁哑然失笑，我如今走的路，过的生活，是自己的选择，但我的心境却从不觉老，又何来变老之谈？
但说真的，人体老化的现象实在趋向年轻化，自己的身材也开始在转变，才不禁让自己提高了警惕。开始注意了自己的生活习惯。早睡早起，多喝水，多吃蔬果，少吃油腻食物，多运动，等等等等。。。。年轻，是本钱，但是不是无尽的泉源，带的有一天突然发觉这个道理，可能对某些人来说，为时已晚。
话说回来，最近这几天的霉运实在不想多提，就算身处三个月的长假，也没有期待或雀跃的心情。迫切所想的，是能尽快完成搬家的使命，至少让我真正感觉到身处在一间房间，而不是货舱。如无意外周末应该能够完成，但愿不要再出什么乱子。工作呢？懒啊，我从不否认自己由头到尾都不想在假期里工作，若不是假期长得可怕，真是想也不用想。随缘吧，想太多，只怕连假期最基本的权利，躲开压力的机会都丧失。
基本上，我的日子，还是过一天算一天。。。。
Sunday, May 11, 2008
problems
i don't understand, suddenly i stopped myself and keep questioning, what's the purpose of all these?? i'm like spinning rounds and rounds for nothing, and i've spent quite an amount, for nothing??
yeah, 3 months holiday sounds attractive to a lot of people, even to us, the so-called students who actually worked like cows and horses for the employer called NUS and the ultimate boss called Singapore.....
i love holiday, but the thing is, when the holiday gets too long, it becomes something that i have troubles going through.....
well since last year i didn't really spend time being here, working some part time job, i decided that it might be a good idea to give it a try this time, for whatever reasons you wanna say...
and so exam timetable came out, my last paper happened to be on the 6th of may, here comes first problem, if i were to work on a 2 months temporary job here, what's left is only about 3 weeks at home, assuming that there's really someone who is willing to hire a part timer for only 2 months...
and second problem pops up, it's a need for me to come back probably 2 weeks earlier for UROPS, at least to pick up some basic lab skills before i can even say that i'm doing anything productive and not a liability of the lab and all the staff....
if that's the case, there's the 3rd problem now, i can't bear the fact that i can only stay at home for a week, coz once i start up UROPS project, it's very unlikely that i can go home.....
i'm going for an interview tomorrow afternoon, which i have no confident in, and i still am not able to move in to my room..
i need some time........
yeah, 3 months holiday sounds attractive to a lot of people, even to us, the so-called students who actually worked like cows and horses for the employer called NUS and the ultimate boss called Singapore.....
i love holiday, but the thing is, when the holiday gets too long, it becomes something that i have troubles going through.....
well since last year i didn't really spend time being here, working some part time job, i decided that it might be a good idea to give it a try this time, for whatever reasons you wanna say...
and so exam timetable came out, my last paper happened to be on the 6th of may, here comes first problem, if i were to work on a 2 months temporary job here, what's left is only about 3 weeks at home, assuming that there's really someone who is willing to hire a part timer for only 2 months...
and second problem pops up, it's a need for me to come back probably 2 weeks earlier for UROPS, at least to pick up some basic lab skills before i can even say that i'm doing anything productive and not a liability of the lab and all the staff....
if that's the case, there's the 3rd problem now, i can't bear the fact that i can only stay at home for a week, coz once i start up UROPS project, it's very unlikely that i can go home.....
i'm going for an interview tomorrow afternoon, which i have no confident in, and i still am not able to move in to my room..
i need some time........
Friday, May 9, 2008
health
it's 7 am in the morning, feng ee just left foyer, headed to golden mile complex and then will take bus back to kl half an hour ago, for her grandma's funeral, which, suddenly reminds me of mine...i mean my grandma's.....
i wasn't close to my grandparent, honestly, other than my father's side grandpa, i seriously don't feel much pain when they passed away..
ok, that doesn't mean that i'm not concerned at all, it's probably because i didn't stay together with them, and i was never the grandchild they liked the most, yeah, probably i'm hald cold-blooded, you can say that.....
i missed both my grandmas' funeral, father's side because of STPM, mother's side because of NUS CA, both of them passed away due to diseases, as what majority of old people do. Something i realized after they passed away was really the fear to diseases, not for myself, but my parent, it was only after that, i started to pay more attention to my parent's health and, be very very anxious when any unhealthy symptoms appear on them....
i'm a life sciences student, day by day i'm exposed to more and more of mechanisms of diseases, and trust me, the more you learn about diseases, the more you feel vulnerable, and the more you feel worried for your loved ones...
talking about my grandpa, i remembered how i lost my someone i loved very much for the first time, he was the healthiest, but he was the first to leave, and i can still recalled the day he was declared dead was the day he's supposed to be discharged of the hospital, it's nothing more than just a routine body check up in the hospital...
i was still a little young to make myself understand the reasons behind that time, but when i saw the doctor just sat there and said nothing could be done that time, there's a sudden urge in me that i'd go and gave him a few punches and slaps on his face.....
he was a role model, he was the one who care the most for my well being, my studies other than my parent, i remembered him giving me rewards everytime i had good results, he was the inspiration i pursued great heights in academics.....
health conscious is something that i'm getting more concerned nowadays, your body ages faster than you can ever imagine, after you realize it some other day, it could be too late
i wasn't close to my grandparent, honestly, other than my father's side grandpa, i seriously don't feel much pain when they passed away..
ok, that doesn't mean that i'm not concerned at all, it's probably because i didn't stay together with them, and i was never the grandchild they liked the most, yeah, probably i'm hald cold-blooded, you can say that.....
i missed both my grandmas' funeral, father's side because of STPM, mother's side because of NUS CA, both of them passed away due to diseases, as what majority of old people do. Something i realized after they passed away was really the fear to diseases, not for myself, but my parent, it was only after that, i started to pay more attention to my parent's health and, be very very anxious when any unhealthy symptoms appear on them....
i'm a life sciences student, day by day i'm exposed to more and more of mechanisms of diseases, and trust me, the more you learn about diseases, the more you feel vulnerable, and the more you feel worried for your loved ones...
talking about my grandpa, i remembered how i lost my someone i loved very much for the first time, he was the healthiest, but he was the first to leave, and i can still recalled the day he was declared dead was the day he's supposed to be discharged of the hospital, it's nothing more than just a routine body check up in the hospital...
i was still a little young to make myself understand the reasons behind that time, but when i saw the doctor just sat there and said nothing could be done that time, there's a sudden urge in me that i'd go and gave him a few punches and slaps on his face.....
he was a role model, he was the one who care the most for my well being, my studies other than my parent, i remembered him giving me rewards everytime i had good results, he was the inspiration i pursued great heights in academics.....
health conscious is something that i'm getting more concerned nowadays, your body ages faster than you can ever imagine, after you realize it some other day, it could be too late
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
Exams?goodbye.......temporarily
exams over.....but i don't have the joyful feeling....not at all....and this is the first time i don't feel so....
last paper wasn't a good one, it's long time ago since i last got shocked by a paper with only mcq, well today i had another one, 40 questions in 2 hours, honestly you can finish it within 45 minutes, or you can actually take more than 2 hours, depends on what is the outcome you want.....
the damn swimming pool was closed once i reached just after my paper, arh....after the agonizing reading, can't you just let me exercise??
went queensway and ikea to shop for some necessities...ended up paying expensive prices for something that's not i wanted to have....my wallet is bleeding...internally....
it's definitely not the best start of vacation this time, i've got things awaiting for me even after exams, gotta start reading on cell culture protocols for coming UROPS, gotta shift to a new room, arh...after one year i'll need to pack and unpack again...gotta look for a temporary job, here comes the best part, i'm not so sure if i can get a job that meets my requirement, i want it to end before July, and i don't wanna work as a SALES ASSISTANT anymore, it's gonna be headache-ing, yet i know i have the obligation....
well it's already 2 am, i forgot when was the last time i stayed up that late, and it's not gonna be good to my health, so i guess i should really go to bed now, updates to be continued....
last paper wasn't a good one, it's long time ago since i last got shocked by a paper with only mcq, well today i had another one, 40 questions in 2 hours, honestly you can finish it within 45 minutes, or you can actually take more than 2 hours, depends on what is the outcome you want.....
the damn swimming pool was closed once i reached just after my paper, arh....after the agonizing reading, can't you just let me exercise??
went queensway and ikea to shop for some necessities...ended up paying expensive prices for something that's not i wanted to have....my wallet is bleeding...internally....
it's definitely not the best start of vacation this time, i've got things awaiting for me even after exams, gotta start reading on cell culture protocols for coming UROPS, gotta shift to a new room, arh...after one year i'll need to pack and unpack again...gotta look for a temporary job, here comes the best part, i'm not so sure if i can get a job that meets my requirement, i want it to end before July, and i don't wanna work as a SALES ASSISTANT anymore, it's gonna be headache-ing, yet i know i have the obligation....
well it's already 2 am, i forgot when was the last time i stayed up that late, and it's not gonna be good to my health, so i guess i should really go to bed now, updates to be continued....
Thursday, May 1, 2008
updates
just a regular report during exam season i guess...
guess i'm already used to the mentality of only handling 3 papers long before reading week during this semester, that i suddenly realize i'm actually a little less stressed up compared to others only recently, just too bad that i guess, i'll be back to 5 modules again next semester onwards, nonetheless, i worked very hard for the other 2 previously....
current status:1 down and 2 more to go, the first one was chinese grammar, the module i dislike most this sem, i like mandarin, but maybe not TECHNICAL mandarin....the term paper before reading week DRIVED ME CRAZY....and so i decided to back up 1 S/U for it, unless there's surprises, which i doubt so, with the quality of my term paper....
the left over are metabolism and molecular bio, more or less memory work for the first one, and conceptual work for the latter i guess....i don't like metab, not only because of the heavy memorization, but also it's a biochemistry module, the DAMN DEPARTMENT IS FREAKINGLY DEMANDING.....
molecular biology was actually the one which freaked me out the most at first, that was only during the beginning, i like the syllabus, it's something relevant, and make more sense compared to some stupid memory work...oops..i didn't mean metab oh.....it's a very challenging module in terms of exam nevertheless....
so..what's my plan after exam??first destination has to be queensway, i've broken mine and feng ee's racquet string, not a good sign, doesn't show that you've got strength in playing badminton but just, not good in taking care of racquet.....
anyway, will keep it updated after all the papers..
guess i'm already used to the mentality of only handling 3 papers long before reading week during this semester, that i suddenly realize i'm actually a little less stressed up compared to others only recently, just too bad that i guess, i'll be back to 5 modules again next semester onwards, nonetheless, i worked very hard for the other 2 previously....
current status:1 down and 2 more to go, the first one was chinese grammar, the module i dislike most this sem, i like mandarin, but maybe not TECHNICAL mandarin....the term paper before reading week DRIVED ME CRAZY....and so i decided to back up 1 S/U for it, unless there's surprises, which i doubt so, with the quality of my term paper....
the left over are metabolism and molecular bio, more or less memory work for the first one, and conceptual work for the latter i guess....i don't like metab, not only because of the heavy memorization, but also it's a biochemistry module, the DAMN DEPARTMENT IS FREAKINGLY DEMANDING.....
molecular biology was actually the one which freaked me out the most at first, that was only during the beginning, i like the syllabus, it's something relevant, and make more sense compared to some stupid memory work...oops..i didn't mean metab oh.....it's a very challenging module in terms of exam nevertheless....
so..what's my plan after exam??first destination has to be queensway, i've broken mine and feng ee's racquet string, not a good sign, doesn't show that you've got strength in playing badminton but just, not good in taking care of racquet.....
anyway, will keep it updated after all the papers..
Friday, April 25, 2008
Travel
i guess it's another transforming stage of mine, starting to feel...the urge to travel...
i'm not the kind of person who likes to travel, really, it's probably something not good about me, i tend to settle down everywhere i go, not wanting to go further...
well it's exam season, again the stress comes, how do i know? my nose and my eyes tell me exactly, flu and red eyes are my everyday companies now, instead of books, oh my.....
looking at other people's photo is quite enjoyable, if i do it selectively of course, and i didn't realize that after adding some friends in facebook, the photo albums in my account suddenly become so many, and yeah, i was looking at photos, of other people, at different places...
feng ee once said that, the world is so big, it's just so sad if one cannot go around and have a look, while this may not be affordable to everyone, i think i'm feeling what she feels....
i'm not the kind of person who likes to travel, really, it's probably something not good about me, i tend to settle down everywhere i go, not wanting to go further...
well it's exam season, again the stress comes, how do i know? my nose and my eyes tell me exactly, flu and red eyes are my everyday companies now, instead of books, oh my.....
looking at other people's photo is quite enjoyable, if i do it selectively of course, and i didn't realize that after adding some friends in facebook, the photo albums in my account suddenly become so many, and yeah, i was looking at photos, of other people, at different places...
feng ee once said that, the world is so big, it's just so sad if one cannot go around and have a look, while this may not be affordable to everyone, i think i'm feeling what she feels....
Monday, April 14, 2008
grow up
how long has it been since the last time you stumbled?i'm not referring to deadlines of assignments,failure of tests,but rather,times that you think you failed in your life,that you probably need to admit that you're,after all,not that mature,and need some feedback on yourself?
some people are just born to be fortunate,in every aspects of their lives,sounds familiar?because they are everywhere,younger generations have become more and more pampered,more importantly,thanks to the previous generations that after they've gone through the pains in their lives,they've done REALLY A LOT just to make sure us,the younger generation to avoid the so called "unnecessary" pains and to take the fastest shortcut to reach the desired destination in life....
people are getting smarter generation by generation,it's true that things are different for each and every generation,but no pain no gain is,erm...something very true....
"to grow up physically is a must,to grow up mentally is an option",quote from a friend,not sure if it's quoted from someone else or his own creation,anyway,is it really a blessing to stay young and childish?so that you can stay away from worries and stress?while the saying "a person's meat might be another person's poison" is very true,those who are lucky enough to extend their years of being young and childish a little bit longer,could very well be a blessing for themselves,it's just that,other than it being a disaster to people around them,it could also,require much bigger price than they can ever imagined....
some people are just born to be fortunate,in every aspects of their lives,sounds familiar?because they are everywhere,younger generations have become more and more pampered,more importantly,thanks to the previous generations that after they've gone through the pains in their lives,they've done REALLY A LOT just to make sure us,the younger generation to avoid the so called "unnecessary" pains and to take the fastest shortcut to reach the desired destination in life....
people are getting smarter generation by generation,it's true that things are different for each and every generation,but no pain no gain is,erm...something very true....
"to grow up physically is a must,to grow up mentally is an option",quote from a friend,not sure if it's quoted from someone else or his own creation,anyway,is it really a blessing to stay young and childish?so that you can stay away from worries and stress?while the saying "a person's meat might be another person's poison" is very true,those who are lucky enough to extend their years of being young and childish a little bit longer,could very well be a blessing for themselves,it's just that,other than it being a disaster to people around them,it could also,require much bigger price than they can ever imagined....
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
感觉
年轻人，似乎都忽略了时间的威力，似乎都不明白，相处的真正意义。。。
一颗星的陨落，代表着更多颗星的升起，只是，你和我，都不愿意成为陨落的那一颗。。。。
要怎么样，才能算是了解一个人？一年？两年？十年？一百年？时间，在这一刻对我来说，已经不是一个可靠的尺度，来衡量，来推断，所谓的，对人的了解。
看过患上双重性格这种精神疾病的人吗？或许，我不应该称之为精神疾病，天知道世上到底有多少人都拥有着不止两面的性格？你身边的人有多少个？你每天新认识的人有多少个？或许不能说是数之不尽，但也很少人会真正的深究这个问题。但是，你身边有多少人，你觉得了解他？这看起来容易回答许多。。。
真的吗？再想想吧！有时候，我反而会觉得，前者容易答得多，需要的只是时间，但是答案却是绝对的；反观后者，我敢说，世上决少数的人，能够给你一个肯定的答案，除非你是他身上的一条毛。
太难了，太多了。太难了解一个人了，太多的性格层面存在于每一个人的深层意识里了。人与人的相处，仿佛都因为不同的关系，而存在着一种最佳距离。这种距离因人而异，距离太远了，关系很难维持；距离太近了，却又互相排斥。。。
你觉得身边的某人很完美？再观察吧！你觉得身边的另一些人糟透了？可能吧！只是，说不定有一天扶你一把的，会是这一些所谓糟透的人。
朋友，逐渐成为城市人的我们，变得越来越孤单，感觉，来得越来越快，年纪越来越长了，或许，再也不是意气用事的时候了，再也不能说，感觉到，什么都到。
Thursday, March 27, 2008
lost
what a shame you've lost this game..................
you'd have thrashed him 21-0 if it was the you few years ago......
oh i just couldn't imagine what have i done just now.....
i couldn't even control the ping pong ball, i couldn't even make a simple stroke, arh....i'm just so disappointed by myself, how can i tell anyone that i once was a player???i really don't know how shocked would my peer players be if they've have seen me just now.....
just.....ignore my rubbish, i need a break.......
you'd have thrashed him 21-0 if it was the you few years ago......
oh i just couldn't imagine what have i done just now.....
i couldn't even control the ping pong ball, i couldn't even make a simple stroke, arh....i'm just so disappointed by myself, how can i tell anyone that i once was a player???i really don't know how shocked would my peer players be if they've have seen me just now.....
just.....ignore my rubbish, i need a break.......
Sunday, March 23, 2008
residence
the student hostel, well not very much of a student hostel actually, the residential area in which i'm staying now, is named Prince George's Park Residences. It didn't take a lot of pain to realize that, I've stayed here for almost 2 years, at least 2 academic years. The residential area has been a witness of my pains and gains here for 2 years, and suddenly i'm feeling sick of it.
the first time i heard someone telling me he's feeling sick of this place was more than half a year ago. A senior, who is currently staying in another residential area, also located in campus, told me this, when we met each other in laundry room. It's kind of funny for me, when he said he carried his dirty clothings all the way from his room to PGP for laundry service. No doubt then, that his residence's laundry service is way too bad compared here, but still he was determined to move out when he was given a choice. i think he must be really fed up with this place that even with such inconvenience, he still, moved out.
The second time i heard about feeling bored with PGP was from a peer, a girl. She doesn't wanna go to hall, but she is at the same time, bored with PGP.
Having 55 ECA points this year was actually something more than just a pure achievement to me, it's more like something i did to contradict to what i said before this. before this i thought it'll be super torturing if i wanna accumulate enough points to stay for one more year. Nonetheless i gave it a try, and the result came out as much more surprising than i expected it to be.
my friend staying in hall even invited me to move over, without a second thought i replied by saying that i feel good staying here, there's no need to move.
But tonight, all of a sudden, i feel so sick of this place, this residential area, this room of mine.....
The residence has indeed provided great convenience to students here, but just too bad the university is not allowing students here to have lives and time to enjoy the facilities....
now that the accommodation fee rises, it makes moving out more tempting to some of us, or maybe many of us, anyway, sometimes feeling sick of something doesn't mean that you have the power to change something, this is life.
the first time i heard someone telling me he's feeling sick of this place was more than half a year ago. A senior, who is currently staying in another residential area, also located in campus, told me this, when we met each other in laundry room. It's kind of funny for me, when he said he carried his dirty clothings all the way from his room to PGP for laundry service. No doubt then, that his residence's laundry service is way too bad compared here, but still he was determined to move out when he was given a choice. i think he must be really fed up with this place that even with such inconvenience, he still, moved out.
The second time i heard about feeling bored with PGP was from a peer, a girl. She doesn't wanna go to hall, but she is at the same time, bored with PGP.
Having 55 ECA points this year was actually something more than just a pure achievement to me, it's more like something i did to contradict to what i said before this. before this i thought it'll be super torturing if i wanna accumulate enough points to stay for one more year. Nonetheless i gave it a try, and the result came out as much more surprising than i expected it to be.
my friend staying in hall even invited me to move over, without a second thought i replied by saying that i feel good staying here, there's no need to move.
But tonight, all of a sudden, i feel so sick of this place, this residential area, this room of mine.....
The residence has indeed provided great convenience to students here, but just too bad the university is not allowing students here to have lives and time to enjoy the facilities....
now that the accommodation fee rises, it makes moving out more tempting to some of us, or maybe many of us, anyway, sometimes feeling sick of something doesn't mean that you have the power to change something, this is life.
Monday, March 17, 2008
我的写作
我已经不太能写得出了。。。。
犹记得两，三年前的自己，写作的灵感总是不断，就算是突然间有什么人要求即席写作，也不难在生活中的，哪怕是在琐碎的事物里找到灵感。当时的感觉棒极了，写作更成了我的精神寄托，当时那一段不开心的时刻，多亏手上的一枝笔，便显得不那么的不堪回首。是的，写作，一直是我生命的一部分，生命的一大部分。就像是音乐，就像是书本一样，对我来说，没有它们，就不是生命。
这两年的改变，也不知道问题在那里，我已经不太能写得出了。。。。
是没有时间吗？是灵感的泉源已干枯吗？我不知道，有留意我写作的朋友应该都能发觉，比较起两年前，写的东西明显的少了，而且范围更狭隘得只局限于许多对周遭的不满，又或是悲伤时的疯言疯语。我的作品里面，不知道已经多久没有出现对生活里许多细微事物的看法，从前的感性，从前的细腻，好像都被永远都不够用的时间挤出我的大脑。好悲哀，好心疼。。。
有人曾大条道理的对我说，这就是生活啊！每个人都是如此。唉，可怜对我说此番话的人，还有在我身边许许多多赞同他这番话的人，竟然都把这一切当成理所当然。我无从选择，唯有随着急流的方向，看它把我带到什么地方。无论如何，心中的那一份惋惜，久久不能释怀。
犹记得两，三年前的自己，写作的灵感总是不断，就算是突然间有什么人要求即席写作，也不难在生活中的，哪怕是在琐碎的事物里找到灵感。当时的感觉棒极了，写作更成了我的精神寄托，当时那一段不开心的时刻，多亏手上的一枝笔，便显得不那么的不堪回首。是的，写作，一直是我生命的一部分，生命的一大部分。就像是音乐，就像是书本一样，对我来说，没有它们，就不是生命。
这两年的改变，也不知道问题在那里，我已经不太能写得出了。。。。
是没有时间吗？是灵感的泉源已干枯吗？我不知道，有留意我写作的朋友应该都能发觉，比较起两年前，写的东西明显的少了，而且范围更狭隘得只局限于许多对周遭的不满，又或是悲伤时的疯言疯语。我的作品里面，不知道已经多久没有出现对生活里许多细微事物的看法，从前的感性，从前的细腻，好像都被永远都不够用的时间挤出我的大脑。好悲哀，好心疼。。。
有人曾大条道理的对我说，这就是生活啊！每个人都是如此。唉，可怜对我说此番话的人，还有在我身边许许多多赞同他这番话的人，竟然都把这一切当成理所当然。我无从选择，唯有随着急流的方向，看它把我带到什么地方。无论如何，心中的那一份惋惜，久久不能释怀。
Saturday, March 8, 2008
Friday, February 29, 2008
压力
想不到多年之后，功课的压力，竟然有在我毫无准备，手足无措的情况之下，再次侵蚀我的心灵。我那敏感的肠胃，经不起那样的挑拨，不得已，只得加速工作，搞得我在演唱会里连跑两次厕所。
还记得一位学长曾经说，他的印象中，在我念大学先修班的那段时间，功课压力似乎不曾离我而去。自己倒是并不如此觉得，是否表示其实潜在心中的那股压力，自己一直都没察觉？若是如此，自己一直以为自己的轻松，岂非自欺欺人？
我倒不是介意他人的看法，只是若事情真若如此，我非得再次自我反省不可，纯粹因为多年来被所谓的压力搞得自己活得不像人，好不容易在这两年开始看得比较开了，说的是开始过得比较开心了，倘若如今突然发现这一切都不过是在骗自己，怎不叫自己迫切反省？
在怡保的前几天，在车上听会了从前录起来的卡带。里面的老歌，又让我找回了当初的感动，不知任何一位偶然在读我的这篇文章之时，是否也能找到，同一份感动？
还记得一位学长曾经说，他的印象中，在我念大学先修班的那段时间，功课压力似乎不曾离我而去。自己倒是并不如此觉得，是否表示其实潜在心中的那股压力，自己一直都没察觉？若是如此，自己一直以为自己的轻松，岂非自欺欺人？
我倒不是介意他人的看法，只是若事情真若如此，我非得再次自我反省不可，纯粹因为多年来被所谓的压力搞得自己活得不像人，好不容易在这两年开始看得比较开了，说的是开始过得比较开心了，倘若如今突然发现这一切都不过是在骗自己，怎不叫自己迫切反省？
在怡保的前几天，在车上听会了从前录起来的卡带。里面的老歌，又让我找回了当初的感动，不知任何一位偶然在读我的这篇文章之时，是否也能找到，同一份感动？
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
沉闷
学期中的一周假期，离年假不过是两星期后，很多大学同学都选择留在宿舍，我却因为某些正经的原因，加上自己也想偷懒，跑回来家乡过几天。
这一天晚上，突然看见放在书架里的相簿，自然而然的取出来，一张张地翻看，最上一次翻看的时候，好像是和枫镱一起看的，不知不觉地，半年了，又半年了。我好像和朋友说过，总觉得人长得越大，同样的每一份每一秒，好像过得越来越快。大概是人长得越大，离死亡越接近，更感觉时光飞逝这句话的意义所在吧！
已经数不清是多少次以文字去回忆和朋友之间的一切一切，但每隔一段时间，总是有一股冲动，想要再次重复，总是没完没了。这一个晚上，突然间在想，我在怀念的，是朋友？还是，从前的自己？
离当年的自己越久，越觉得自己当初实在幼稚的可笑，也开始醒觉，从前的自己，原来是那么的我行我素，甚至做出许多从前不会觉得，但现下却深深感受到的荒唐行为。
倘若有这么一个机会，让我重新再回到当年，很多已成历史的往事，或许会变成梦一场，或者当年留在心中的烙印，会因此而不出现。
人生，其实并不能说得上精彩绝伦，但最别致的，可以说是，很多生命里的事，都只会发生那么一次。或许应该说，每一天起床的我们，似乎都是刚出生的婴儿，对新一天将发生的事，一点经验也没有，一点准备也没有。那匆匆数十载，就是经过一天又一天的试验，完成的。
我总是有这么一个。。。不知道该不该称之为缺点，总是在事情发生过后，才责怪自己，埋怨自己，然后觉得，其实自己可以做得更好。多年累积下来，我的心，其实充满着遗憾，其实充满着不满，对自己的不满，对人生的遗憾。
炎热的天气，把我的睡意都蒸发掉了，在这一刻，我的心情有点沉重，有点悲伤，有点感叹，很多年前曾经悬浮在心中的问题，或者不算是一个问题，又重新冒出来了。其实，一路走来，写了那么多，一直最遗憾的，是缺乏了一个知音。。。。。
Friday, February 22, 2008
what's wrong with our idols?
guess the biggest news recently is the scandalous photos and videos of edison chen, other than the coming election of Malaysia.......
someone told me that edison chen returned to Hong Kong and organized a press conference for the incident, FINALLY.....
it wasn't difficult to search the clip in youtube, but before watching, i read the full text written somewhere else in the net, i mean the whole thing that he poured out in front of all the reporters
he expressed his apologies to his family, to the victims and their families, and also to the society of Hong Kong, he said he will complete all his job on hand, and quit the entertainment industry of Hong Kong without a time frame, TO HEAL HIMSELF AND SEARCH HIS SOUL, and he claimed that he was all the while and will continue assisting the police force in handling the case....
well since one of the ladies, Gillian also had said something in front of media regarding the incident, i watched hers as well
she said she is sorry for making such deep impacts to the society, and she felt she was so naive, innocent, and silly, and now she HAS GROWN UP
i don't know how you would look at all these words, but i feel amused, and entertained, by some childish explanation and excuses
came across an article about this issue in student lounge today, the writer complaint that fans of their idol, who is one of the victims, are all cheated, disappointed, and what's more? she said that THEY ARE THE ONES WHO ARE SILLY, but not the idol herself
now this is not funny, but something worth thinking seriously, i believe anyone who doesn't hate the girls initially, would never thought that the contrast of their image on screen, in film and their image in those photos, is such HUGE....
images of artists are all manipulated by the companies they belong to, but probably a lot of us have ignored, or even have forgotten this rule of entertainment industry...
artists have the role to be a good role model for their fans, something edison said he has failed to do so, think again, among all the artists we see today, how many of them really want to be that role model?or rather, how many of them are actually of that type of person?they constantly portray the so called moral values of life in the public, but in real life, are they, in anyway, know or understand any of the values?they look so perfect and mature and understanding and friendly in front of everyone, but when they are not facing us, who knows if they are actually worse than us?
life is much more boring without the entertainment industry and without all the artists, but no one ever say that it's wise to believe in blindly what an idol say or do, the impact this incident brought to the society is great, but may not be so great if all the fans could actually understand, artists are just human, and sometimes they may not be a better person than us.....
as for the press conference, what i feel really funny is that, whatever they say, will not make any effect to the incident, but it's something that they must do, what a funny rule of the entertainment world.....
i feel sorry to those who are hurt, and for those who did something seriously wrong, probably this is not the best way to create popularity.....
someone told me that edison chen returned to Hong Kong and organized a press conference for the incident, FINALLY.....
it wasn't difficult to search the clip in youtube, but before watching, i read the full text written somewhere else in the net, i mean the whole thing that he poured out in front of all the reporters
he expressed his apologies to his family, to the victims and their families, and also to the society of Hong Kong, he said he will complete all his job on hand, and quit the entertainment industry of Hong Kong without a time frame, TO HEAL HIMSELF AND SEARCH HIS SOUL, and he claimed that he was all the while and will continue assisting the police force in handling the case....
well since one of the ladies, Gillian also had said something in front of media regarding the incident, i watched hers as well
she said she is sorry for making such deep impacts to the society, and she felt she was so naive, innocent, and silly, and now she HAS GROWN UP
i don't know how you would look at all these words, but i feel amused, and entertained, by some childish explanation and excuses
came across an article about this issue in student lounge today, the writer complaint that fans of their idol, who is one of the victims, are all cheated, disappointed, and what's more? she said that THEY ARE THE ONES WHO ARE SILLY, but not the idol herself
now this is not funny, but something worth thinking seriously, i believe anyone who doesn't hate the girls initially, would never thought that the contrast of their image on screen, in film and their image in those photos, is such HUGE....
images of artists are all manipulated by the companies they belong to, but probably a lot of us have ignored, or even have forgotten this rule of entertainment industry...
artists have the role to be a good role model for their fans, something edison said he has failed to do so, think again, among all the artists we see today, how many of them really want to be that role model?or rather, how many of them are actually of that type of person?they constantly portray the so called moral values of life in the public, but in real life, are they, in anyway, know or understand any of the values?they look so perfect and mature and understanding and friendly in front of everyone, but when they are not facing us, who knows if they are actually worse than us?
life is much more boring without the entertainment industry and without all the artists, but no one ever say that it's wise to believe in blindly what an idol say or do, the impact this incident brought to the society is great, but may not be so great if all the fans could actually understand, artists are just human, and sometimes they may not be a better person than us.....
as for the press conference, what i feel really funny is that, whatever they say, will not make any effect to the incident, but it's something that they must do, what a funny rule of the entertainment world.....
i feel sorry to those who are hurt, and for those who did something seriously wrong, probably this is not the best way to create popularity.....
Saturday, February 16, 2008
唉。。。
进退两难，左右为难，两头不到岸。。
唉。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。
这一口气，不晓得要叹得多常，才能释放出内心的无奈。。。。
不断的怀疑，一直以来的坚持，是对？还是错？
唉。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。
这一口气，不晓得要叹得多常，才能释放出内心的无奈。。。。
不断的怀疑，一直以来的坚持，是对？还是错？
Wednesday, February 6, 2008
it's over
It’s over, finally…..
Well in case you might wonder, I’m again blogging in the bus, which means I’m again writing in word file, and later upload it when I have access to internet…..
It seems harder and harder for me to just write a few lines in my blog whenever I’m in my room, well at least that’s true for the past 3 weeks, it’s only until I’m in a bus now that I have the mood and right feeling for blog, after so long….
Talking about the past 3 weeks, I was busy, yes I was BUSY, my first time in NUS that I barely have time to read my lecture notes, to clean my room, to even watch one or two episodes of drama….
Do I enjoy it? Did I ask for it? Or….I had a difficult time going through all that?
to be exact, I’m not sure, I can’t say that I hate it and can’t wait to have it over, but at the same time, it wasn’t easy to also endure some of the harsh moments, I guess this feeling is just typical, after all, things ain’t gonna be perfect, and perhaps I should be grateful, after the whole experience, I gained more than what I’ve expected, though the price is really not cheap….
Studies’ been tough so far, tougher than what I imagined it to be in fact, my grades improved again last semester, although again it’s not up to my expectation….
Improvement is good, but the subsequent effort is tough, coz it’s human nature to always ask for more, and mind you, I’m just a normal person, what’s more, I’m a KIASU person, that’s a reason solid enough for me to suffer in NUS……
Let’s not talk about things which are discouraging, I’m now on my way back to ipoh, back to kampong for Chinese new year celebration, err….maybe not much of celebration, but just, for a family gathering, for a reunion dinner….
Do I not have a strong bond to my family? I love my family, and I dare say my relationship with my parent and sibling is irreplaceable, but maybe not so much for the big family, my uncles, my aunts, and my cousins……
People say big families come with problems, I can’t agree with that more, I don’t feel like talking much about the issues in my big family, but just one thing, as I grow up, as I’m more and more exposed to the different “sides” of human nature, I feel less and less excited about going back kampong, about the so called family gathering, I just, don’t feel comfortable…..
Chinese new year, the greatest thing about this is food to me, haha, since when food is so important to me?? Food outside of hometown is just too sucky……which made me think of food every time festival is around, Chinese new year is of no difference, I hope the extra weight I gain during the coming few days will be still acceptable…..
Well in case you might wonder, I’m again blogging in the bus, which means I’m again writing in word file, and later upload it when I have access to internet…..
It seems harder and harder for me to just write a few lines in my blog whenever I’m in my room, well at least that’s true for the past 3 weeks, it’s only until I’m in a bus now that I have the mood and right feeling for blog, after so long….
Talking about the past 3 weeks, I was busy, yes I was BUSY, my first time in NUS that I barely have time to read my lecture notes, to clean my room, to even watch one or two episodes of drama….
Do I enjoy it? Did I ask for it? Or….I had a difficult time going through all that?
to be exact, I’m not sure, I can’t say that I hate it and can’t wait to have it over, but at the same time, it wasn’t easy to also endure some of the harsh moments, I guess this feeling is just typical, after all, things ain’t gonna be perfect, and perhaps I should be grateful, after the whole experience, I gained more than what I’ve expected, though the price is really not cheap….
Studies’ been tough so far, tougher than what I imagined it to be in fact, my grades improved again last semester, although again it’s not up to my expectation….
Improvement is good, but the subsequent effort is tough, coz it’s human nature to always ask for more, and mind you, I’m just a normal person, what’s more, I’m a KIASU person, that’s a reason solid enough for me to suffer in NUS……
Let’s not talk about things which are discouraging, I’m now on my way back to ipoh, back to kampong for Chinese new year celebration, err….maybe not much of celebration, but just, for a family gathering, for a reunion dinner….
Do I not have a strong bond to my family? I love my family, and I dare say my relationship with my parent and sibling is irreplaceable, but maybe not so much for the big family, my uncles, my aunts, and my cousins……
People say big families come with problems, I can’t agree with that more, I don’t feel like talking much about the issues in my big family, but just one thing, as I grow up, as I’m more and more exposed to the different “sides” of human nature, I feel less and less excited about going back kampong, about the so called family gathering, I just, don’t feel comfortable…..
Chinese new year, the greatest thing about this is food to me, haha, since when food is so important to me?? Food outside of hometown is just too sucky……which made me think of food every time festival is around, Chinese new year is of no difference, I hope the extra weight I gain during the coming few days will be still acceptable…..
Saturday, January 19, 2008
朋友
开始有点讨厌自己的房间，十点不到，太阳直射房里，又闷又热，那还有睡意？
又在浏览朋友们的friendster照片，发觉在一百张当中，大概有超过一半的都是在大学的生活，也就是说，不是与自己一同度过的生活。
饶是如此，在那当中还是夹杂着那一两张曾经拥有的照片，看着那时候的自己，也看着那时候的朋友，感觉涌上心头，朋友，还是老的好，还是老的了解自己，特别是这段期间，简直难以笔墨形容。
又在浏览朋友们的friendster照片，发觉在一百张当中，大概有超过一半的都是在大学的生活，也就是说，不是与自己一同度过的生活。
饶是如此，在那当中还是夹杂着那一两张曾经拥有的照片，看着那时候的自己，也看着那时候的朋友，感觉涌上心头，朋友，还是老的好，还是老的了解自己，特别是这段期间，简直难以笔墨形容。
Frustration
ah....i just hate the feeling, i just hate the feeling that i can't do what i want to do, and i'm FORCED to do what i'm TOLD to do....
what's the feeling when you only do what you're told to, but not what you feel and want to,that's probably the heaviest punishment to one, well maybe not for those who doesn't really know what he or she wants, but those people are just.....worthless to mention
i hate being a doll, i hate ordered by people, i just don't wanna do things that i don't feel correct but some other people do, and i just don't feel i'm myself anymore when i'm acting according to other people's reaction or response,they are disgusting, who are they and what makes them think they can decide for me?what is so great in them until they think their words and decisions are correct?
capability is probably a complement, popularity is the only thing you need to make command in this world....i don't believe in this,not in the past, not in the present,never in the future, i don't believe in the lies of those "thick-skinned" people, i'm not entertained by those fooling around from jokers indulged in their popularities....
my words are not taken, my voices are not heard, well if that's the case what else do i care??hell yeah, what else should i care,it's just rubbish to me after all
what's the feeling when you only do what you're told to, but not what you feel and want to,that's probably the heaviest punishment to one, well maybe not for those who doesn't really know what he or she wants, but those people are just.....worthless to mention
i hate being a doll, i hate ordered by people, i just don't wanna do things that i don't feel correct but some other people do, and i just don't feel i'm myself anymore when i'm acting according to other people's reaction or response,they are disgusting, who are they and what makes them think they can decide for me?what is so great in them until they think their words and decisions are correct?
capability is probably a complement, popularity is the only thing you need to make command in this world....i don't believe in this,not in the past, not in the present,never in the future, i don't believe in the lies of those "thick-skinned" people, i'm not entertained by those fooling around from jokers indulged in their popularities....
my words are not taken, my voices are not heard, well if that's the case what else do i care??hell yeah, what else should i care,it's just rubbish to me after all
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
what a day......
the first day of semester 4 was no fun at all.....
well the lecturer for the first lesson today ended up late for almost an hour, and he could still give some stupid excuses smilingly like a rock star awaited long by fans.....and sorry to say that i just couldn't feel his excitement in his teaching, all i felt was just...sleepiness, sleepiness, and sleepiness, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
rushing from LT32 to LT10 is definitely going to be a new challenge for me this coming semester, i guess i'm never gonna think that NUS students walk very slowly other than because of this reason, and guess what, the lecturer for the chinese module is another world class hypnotherapist with world class lame jokes.....
and again, rushing from LT10 to LT26 is again the same as above, well at least the lecturer this time isn't that boring, but i think i need more rest before going through all these again next week
well the lecturer for the first lesson today ended up late for almost an hour, and he could still give some stupid excuses smilingly like a rock star awaited long by fans.....and sorry to say that i just couldn't feel his excitement in his teaching, all i felt was just...sleepiness, sleepiness, and sleepiness, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
rushing from LT32 to LT10 is definitely going to be a new challenge for me this coming semester, i guess i'm never gonna think that NUS students walk very slowly other than because of this reason, and guess what, the lecturer for the chinese module is another world class hypnotherapist with world class lame jokes.....
and again, rushing from LT10 to LT26 is again the same as above, well at least the lecturer this time isn't that boring, but i think i need more rest before going through all these again next week
Saturday, January 12, 2008
Friday, January 11, 2008
sunset
it's the second day for msl performance team to practise for the International Student Night of Infusion, and it serves as a reminder to me that the school, is reopening soon and i, am going to the fourth semester in NUS...
didn't expect it to come so fast, i mean, 2 weeks before this when i just got back to this little room, i was still wondering what can i do much during such a long holiday faraway from home before school starts again, since the only reason for me being here 2 weeks before school reopens is only to "standby", for god's sake...
well 2 weeks passed, and i'm almost done with my timetable arrangement, time to settle down for another long war i guess, not another actually, it's a prolonged, years-lasting war, and the past one month of so called holiday was just a resting period, for you to breath, yeah, just to breath....
the sky is getting dark, and i had to switch on lights in my room, and oh, it's another nice sunset of the day from the view of my cluster corridor...
people with chinese education background would understand one famous chinese saying about the sunset, saying how nice it is to admire throughout the whole day, but how also so short that people wouldn't have chance to appreciate much before it disappears everyday....
sunset, is like the trailer of a movie, short but not to be missed, it shows, only, the best part of the movie, just like life in everyday, the best part of life in everyday.
i used to like sunset a lot, and i still remembered how i jogged and admired the sunset when i was still staying in my hometown, it is, something that you can have and appreciate everyday, but just because you can doesn't mean that you will....
but now, i miss home a lot everytime i see sunset, it's not so nice to use the best part of your day to miss home, but somehow at this particular moment, i just feel a little discouraged.....
nah...not really negative, i should say it's nostalgia rather than discouraged coz...i'm back to the war, back to the war of unknown, i'm always struggling, there are always more than one parties inside me, taking their turns to tell me what to do, and without fail, ask me what to believe in....
i'm fine, don't worry, i'm just....doing what i'm used to do a lot all the time, and tomorrow is gonna be just like any other day, just what i'm used to all the time...
didn't expect it to come so fast, i mean, 2 weeks before this when i just got back to this little room, i was still wondering what can i do much during such a long holiday faraway from home before school starts again, since the only reason for me being here 2 weeks before school reopens is only to "standby", for god's sake...
well 2 weeks passed, and i'm almost done with my timetable arrangement, time to settle down for another long war i guess, not another actually, it's a prolonged, years-lasting war, and the past one month of so called holiday was just a resting period, for you to breath, yeah, just to breath....
the sky is getting dark, and i had to switch on lights in my room, and oh, it's another nice sunset of the day from the view of my cluster corridor...
people with chinese education background would understand one famous chinese saying about the sunset, saying how nice it is to admire throughout the whole day, but how also so short that people wouldn't have chance to appreciate much before it disappears everyday....
sunset, is like the trailer of a movie, short but not to be missed, it shows, only, the best part of the movie, just like life in everyday, the best part of life in everyday.
i used to like sunset a lot, and i still remembered how i jogged and admired the sunset when i was still staying in my hometown, it is, something that you can have and appreciate everyday, but just because you can doesn't mean that you will....
but now, i miss home a lot everytime i see sunset, it's not so nice to use the best part of your day to miss home, but somehow at this particular moment, i just feel a little discouraged.....
nah...not really negative, i should say it's nostalgia rather than discouraged coz...i'm back to the war, back to the war of unknown, i'm always struggling, there are always more than one parties inside me, taking their turns to tell me what to do, and without fail, ask me what to believe in....
i'm fine, don't worry, i'm just....doing what i'm used to do a lot all the time, and tomorrow is gonna be just like any other day, just what i'm used to all the time...
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