festive season

it's festive season, again, merry Christmas, and a happy new year....duh.....
being bothered with lab matters is the main headache for now, i hate to complain about this, i know i screwed the opportunity, i've messed up so much that, for the time left, i have no idea to compensate at all....
i might be a little lazy at times, and you can blame me for that for i will exclude human nature as an excuse, but it's not that i've not tried very hard to do my work, to go on with my project, am i right to really say that i'm bad-lucked with all these?i don't know, for professionals in laboratories, they might just tell me to work harder, deep in the heart teasing me for giving lousy excuses for lousy performances, can't really tell anyone, not to say that there's no one to listen, but maybe there isn't anyone who can really understand the situation, for those who're also working in lab, they might take it as something not trivial, for those who are not but who care for me much, they can only listen, may not be able to understand much, not to say about lending a hand to help.....
it seriously is putting me into a dillemma, my least expectation, in fact might be my only expectation now it seems, to complete my degree, with honours, is at stake somehow.....every failure in lab is shaking my determination to go for final year, and when i do feel such painful experiences in lab, can't help but just question, why continue if you just don't find the meaning working in lab for one more year?what's more? you're going to work even more intensively during final year....
but i know i'll kill myself if i just won't go for final year, yes i will, for all the years of efforts since i started schooling, there's no way for me to end it in a way i feel incomplete, no offense to those who did not choose final year but to me, final year is the proper ending, if not further....
festive seasons don't mean much to me, nothing but holiday, i'm not expressive to parent, neither are they, okay i'm not blaming them for educating me in such a way, but our way of living with each other in the family rather peaceful and quiet, literally.....i love them, meaning of festive seasons is going home during holidays and be sure they're in good health, living happily as always, and spend quality time as what's so called "family reunion"....
i'm blessed to be able to also spend quality time with my loved one this year, short but sweet, i treasure the moments, i appreciate and am deeply touched by the effort.....
other than that, what about friends? i'm not sure if it's valid to claim that after 2 years of being attached, i still remain unchanged in my social life, at least i'm damn sure i make great effort to remain the same for my friends......
the tastes of friends gathering have somehow, changed, bitter or sour? i can't tell exactly, it's neither tasty nor non-edible, more like a...a transition to somewhere unknown...it's a type of feeling, not experimental, can never be determined if it should be attributed to friends or myself.....there're times i felt awkward, even provoked, there're times when i felt warmth, understood, but the combination of feelings has become so strange that i couldn't recognize at times, making me wonder, has there something really happened?
i don't know

平安夜

连天文学家都一口咬定，因为全球暖化的效应，美国各地的人们应该不会看见白色圣诞，不料奇迹发生了。对于普天同庆的这一个节日，不知是否上天带来的一个好预兆，告诉人类，来年是个好年，少天灾，免人祸，也让千疮百孔的地球得以喘一口气？
说起圣诞节，说它是普天同庆的节日，似乎夸大其词了。对我而言，圣诞节对基督徒而言，委实是一个庆典，但对其他人来说，应该与公共假期无异。严格来说，一个对某个宗教意义非凡的日子被商家大肆炒作，变成了单纯消费且有假浪漫的假期，似乎有点可笑，却也有点可悲。
平安夜的这一晚，自己和朋友用个晚餐，独自回到宿舍里。可真是难得一间的奇景啊！几乎所有的房间都熄了灯，停车场只有“小车两三辆”，走廊也不见人影。回房间的路上，还真怀疑自己会否就是那么寂寞的可怜虫，宿舍只有自己。
平安夜，平安夜，顾名思义，大概就是希望大家都平平安安吧！我想如果这一刻和家人在一起，感受团聚的一刻，或许才是平安夜的意义所在。一整天的绵绵细雨，把气温降得似乎也有一点热带国家版本的白色圣诞，只是也好像浇熄了那么一点的疯狂，路上不见车子，也没听见圣歌在空气里飘扬，只有细雨滴滴答答的韵律，至少，在我眼中，这一个平安夜，固然有点寂寞，但却更显得平安，更显得宁静。

post-exam

listening to "home" by Michael Buble, and later another "home" by Chris Daughtry, it's obviously because of the title of the songs, who cares about what the lyrics really mean, i just wanna have the feeling, the longing feel of going home....
another 2 hours of lab meeting today, a little unusual this time, other than the usual updates from some of the members, boss had, personally, spoken a lot more....
i guess it's probably because few of the post-doc research fellow came back from overseas with experiences in other lab through short attachment or conferences, boss was analyzing the strengths and weaknesses of the lab, suggesting possible opportunities around, figuring out the potential "threat" posed by other labs......
not forgetting to remember of boss's usual kind of motivation for everyone to work hard, well everyone, except for me, he sorta went through the hierarchy and gave different advices and suggestions from post-doc to post-grad students to RA to honour students, and finally when he reached me, he simply said "wei feng, you're a happy guy, just stay where you are"
while that made a laughter for the whole lab, i'm not so sure if that's what he really meant, or giving a hint that he's somehow disappointed by me....
after second thought the joke from boss sounds perfectly normal, the distance between the head of department of physio and a rookie in lab, not even an honour student is way too much for him to bother much, well at least he's being kind and put everything in a very soft way.....
truth to be told, having 28 members in the lab just makes it looks pretty much like a mini corporate, where there are always external threats or competition and internal conflict of interests, despite its decent contribution to medical sciences, academia is pretty much just like any other industrial sector, perhaps a lot less interesting comparatively.....
anyway, things in lab still ain't going smooth and well for me, my proteins are still playing hide and seek with me, and seems do not have intention to show up anytime.......