压力

想不到多年之后，功课的压力，竟然有在我毫无准备，手足无措的情况之下，再次侵蚀我的心灵。我那敏感的肠胃，经不起那样的挑拨，不得已，只得加速工作，搞得我在演唱会里连跑两次厕所。
还记得一位学长曾经说，他的印象中，在我念大学先修班的那段时间，功课压力似乎不曾离我而去。自己倒是并不如此觉得，是否表示其实潜在心中的那股压力，自己一直都没察觉？若是如此，自己一直以为自己的轻松，岂非自欺欺人？
我倒不是介意他人的看法，只是若事情真若如此，我非得再次自我反省不可，纯粹因为多年来被所谓的压力搞得自己活得不像人，好不容易在这两年开始看得比较开了，说的是开始过得比较开心了，倘若如今突然发现这一切都不过是在骗自己，怎不叫自己迫切反省？
在怡保的前几天，在车上听会了从前录起来的卡带。里面的老歌，又让我找回了当初的感动，不知任何一位偶然在读我的这篇文章之时，是否也能找到，同一份感动？

沉闷

学期中的一周假期，离年假不过是两星期后，很多大学同学都选择留在宿舍，我却因为某些正经的原因，加上自己也想偷懒，跑回来家乡过几天。
这一天晚上，突然看见放在书架里的相簿，自然而然的取出来，一张张地翻看，最上一次翻看的时候，好像是和枫镱一起看的，不知不觉地，半年了，又半年了。我好像和朋友说过，总觉得人长得越大，同样的每一份每一秒，好像过得越来越快。大概是人长得越大，离死亡越接近，更感觉时光飞逝这句话的意义所在吧！
已经数不清是多少次以文字去回忆和朋友之间的一切一切，但每隔一段时间，总是有一股冲动，想要再次重复，总是没完没了。这一个晚上，突然间在想，我在怀念的，是朋友？还是，从前的自己？
离当年的自己越久，越觉得自己当初实在幼稚的可笑，也开始醒觉，从前的自己，原来是那么的我行我素，甚至做出许多从前不会觉得，但现下却深深感受到的荒唐行为。
倘若有这么一个机会，让我重新再回到当年，很多已成历史的往事，或许会变成梦一场，或者当年留在心中的烙印，会因此而不出现。
人生，其实并不能说得上精彩绝伦，但最别致的，可以说是，很多生命里的事，都只会发生那么一次。或许应该说，每一天起床的我们，似乎都是刚出生的婴儿，对新一天将发生的事，一点经验也没有，一点准备也没有。那匆匆数十载，就是经过一天又一天的试验，完成的。
我总是有这么一个。。。不知道该不该称之为缺点，总是在事情发生过后，才责怪自己，埋怨自己，然后觉得，其实自己可以做得更好。多年累积下来，我的心，其实充满着遗憾，其实充满着不满，对自己的不满，对人生的遗憾。
炎热的天气，把我的睡意都蒸发掉了，在这一刻，我的心情有点沉重，有点悲伤，有点感叹，很多年前曾经悬浮在心中的问题，或者不算是一个问题，又重新冒出来了。其实，一路走来，写了那么多，一直最遗憾的，是缺乏了一个知音。。。。。

what's wrong with our idols?

guess the biggest news recently is the scandalous photos and videos of edison chen, other than the coming election of Malaysia.......
someone told me that edison chen returned to Hong Kong and organized a press conference for the incident, FINALLY.....
it wasn't difficult to search the clip in youtube, but before watching, i read the full text written somewhere else in the net, i mean the whole thing that he poured out in front of all the reporters
he expressed his apologies to his family, to the victims and their families, and also to the society of Hong Kong, he said he will complete all his job on hand, and quit the entertainment industry of Hong Kong without a time frame, TO HEAL HIMSELF AND SEARCH HIS SOUL, and he claimed that he was all the while and will continue assisting the police force in handling the case....
well since one of the ladies, Gillian also had said something in front of media regarding the incident, i watched hers as well
she said she is sorry for making such deep impacts to the society, and she felt she was so naive, innocent, and silly, and now she HAS GROWN UP
i don't know how you would look at all these words, but i feel amused, and entertained, by some childish explanation and excuses
came across an article about this issue in student lounge today, the writer complaint that fans of their idol, who is one of the victims, are all cheated, disappointed, and what's more? she said that THEY ARE THE ONES WHO ARE SILLY, but not the idol herself
now this is not funny, but something worth thinking seriously, i believe anyone who doesn't hate the girls initially, would never thought that the contrast of their image on screen, in film and their image in those photos, is such HUGE....
images of artists are all manipulated by the companies they belong to, but probably a lot of us have ignored, or even have forgotten this rule of entertainment industry...
artists have the role to be a good role model for their fans, something edison said he has failed to do so, think again, among all the artists we see today, how many of them really want to be that role model?or rather, how many of them are actually of that type of person?they constantly portray the so called moral values of life in the public, but in real life, are they, in anyway, know or understand any of the values?they look so perfect and mature and understanding and friendly in front of everyone, but when they are not facing us, who knows if they are actually worse than us?
life is much more boring without the entertainment industry and without all the artists, but no one ever say that it's wise to believe in blindly what an idol say or do, the impact this incident brought to the society is great, but may not be so great if all the fans could actually understand, artists are just human, and sometimes they may not be a better person than us.....
as for the press conference, what i feel really funny is that, whatever they say, will not make any effect to the incident, but it's something that they must do, what a funny rule of the entertainment world.....
i feel sorry to those who are hurt, and for those who did something seriously wrong, probably this is not the best way to create popularity.....

唉。。。

进退两难，左右为难，两头不到岸。。
唉。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。
这一口气，不晓得要叹得多常，才能释放出内心的无奈。。。。
不断的怀疑，一直以来的坚持，是对？还是错？

it's over

It’s over, finally…..
Well in case you might wonder, I’m again blogging in the bus, which means I’m again writing in word file, and later upload it when I have access to internet…..
It seems harder and harder for me to just write a few lines in my blog whenever I’m in my room, well at least that’s true for the past 3 weeks, it’s only until I’m in a bus now that I have the mood and right feeling for blog, after so long….
Talking about the past 3 weeks, I was busy, yes I was BUSY, my first time in NUS that I barely have time to read my lecture notes, to clean my room, to even watch one or two episodes of drama….
Do I enjoy it? Did I ask for it? Or….I had a difficult time going through all that?
to be exact, I’m not sure, I can’t say that I hate it and can’t wait to have it over, but at the same time, it wasn’t easy to also endure some of the harsh moments, I guess this feeling is just typical, after all, things ain’t gonna be perfect, and perhaps I should be grateful, after the whole experience, I gained more than what I’ve expected, though the price is really not cheap….
Studies’ been tough so far, tougher than what I imagined it to be in fact, my grades improved again last semester, although again it’s not up to my expectation….
Improvement is good, but the subsequent effort is tough, coz it’s human nature to always ask for more, and mind you, I’m just a normal person, what’s more, I’m a KIASU person, that’s a reason solid enough for me to suffer in NUS……
Let’s not talk about things which are discouraging, I’m now on my way back to ipoh, back to kampong for Chinese new year celebration, err….maybe not much of celebration, but just, for a family gathering, for a reunion dinner….
Do I not have a strong bond to my family? I love my family, and I dare say my relationship with my parent and sibling is irreplaceable, but maybe not so much for the big family, my uncles, my aunts, and my cousins……
People say big families come with problems, I can’t agree with that more, I don’t feel like talking much about the issues in my big family, but just one thing, as I grow up, as I’m more and more exposed to the different “sides” of human nature, I feel less and less excited about going back kampong, about the so called family gathering, I just, don’t feel comfortable…..
Chinese new year, the greatest thing about this is food to me, haha, since when food is so important to me?? Food outside of hometown is just too sucky……which made me think of food every time festival is around, Chinese new year is of no difference, I hope the extra weight I gain during the coming few days will be still acceptable…..