homesick

i miss home, desperately....
i wouldn't miss home so much if the place i am now is so dead..
and those people who are same as me now, staying in this dead city, will just be as homesick as i am, i'm sure...
i'm just in the midst of the holiday, for god's sake i'm already back in NUS, staying here for no other reasons but just to standby....2 more weeks before welcoming the next semester, and i have to endure all of them...
the past 2 weeks of holiday at hometown was....busy, i can only think of this word to describe, and i must say it's very..busy.
it's just merely a weekend, that i went home from NUS, before i departed to Taiwan for family trip...
i personally do not give much hope to the trip, well following tour guide isn't that great after all, you're rushing for tourist spots in fact, but it's the first ever family trip for my family, i must and i want to make it as perfect as possible...
6 days trip, was shortened to 4 days, as the first and last day were used to travel..
taiwan....is not what i imagined it to be....i have to admit that assuming it to be one of the most advanced countries in Asia, i compared it with singapore, very much in terms of architecture of buildings and streets, but it was...surprising to realize that it's very much japanese style actually, and then only i realized taiwan was under the colony of japan for 50 years....
taiwan's pasar malam is so grand that i suspect it's one of the main contribution of their national income,haha, and i had the chance to taste some of the popular food introduced on tv, tasty but, very unhealthy....
taiwan people are simple, not to say that they are simple minded, but they give me the feeling that they are nice, friendly, simple, and honest, even those who sell food and clothes at pasar malam gave me the same feeling, unlike people in malaysia, which gives a strong support to what i always think, m'sians' mentality are still way too immature compared to other nations, and other people deserve to have better achievements in terms of nation development solely because of this reason....
after 6 tiring days, feng ee came to ipoh, had nice times together in ipoh and cameron, though a lot surprises popped up, lol, nevertheless, it's memorable, glad to fulfil a lot of promises that i gave her before, great food she tasted, fun time spent with her in cameron, though not long enough actually, but still there are more opportunities to come....
after that, uncles and aunties took turn to come and stay in my house for several days,lastly, spent another 2 days with my gang in ipoh, and that's it,goodbye my holiday in ipoh, here i am, back in pgp....
it's only at this moment that i suddenly realize that everyone in pgp is lonely, despite the fact that some of them have stayed here for several years, it's just that when semester starts, the workloads have overwhelmed all your feelings, but when there's nothing to occupy yourself, loneliness, is all you have here....

Love

This will be the first time ever for me to blog on the bus, to blog while I’m travelling….

Of course, there is no internet connection on the bus, (I wonder how advanced it is If they have…)anyway, that doesn’t mean I have no chance in blogging while I’m travelling…it’s as simple as writing it in a word file and upload it when I have connection much later…..

So depending on which day I’ll upload it, the blog you’re reading now is not of current stage of mine….

Anyway, it sounds weird or stupid to blog in this kinda situation, well no t really for me…

This is the end of my 3^rd semester in NUS, and I’m going home alone now….i hope sometimes that someone can give me an answer, for I just can’t help but keep thinking a lot every time I travel home…..

One and a half year in NUS or singapore, I must say that I’ve grown up, I’ve gained a lot more than I could have expected before, yet I’ve lost numerously, so much so that I can’t really tell how much I’ve lost….

I’m a perfectionist who’s forced, or rather learn in a hard way to embrace the imperfection in the world, the process is worth another story, which I’d tell some other time…but having changed from yearning for perfection to accepting imperfection peacefully, and to appreciate and feel thankful for the imperfection, it’s such a complicated process, a growth of mind that I’m forever grateful to everyone who have helped me to go through.

From studies, I proceeded to the stage of friendship which puzzled me constantly throughout my pre uni years, and now to relationship which, I’m a beginner

Thank god that I’m having, and hopefully I will have a steady relationship as long as we can maintain, but probably not as lucky for other people….

Feelings for others, for the opposite sex, especially for my age now, can appear as fast as lightning, can be as strong as steel, can be as fragile as glass, too bad can also be as weak as you can ever imagine….

The best thing on earth is the most torturous one, do you agree?

Love, for your family, for your friends, for your soul partner, for mankind on earth, is the most precious, best ever thing for each and every one of us on earth, and it is the most torturous element in our lives…..

My English is probably still not good enough to express what I feel now, witnessing people pursuing for this element of life, some of them fall, some of them succeed, some of them give up, some of them persevere, some of them feel jealous because of others, some of them feel sorry for others, there’s just too much you can imagine, and too much you can understand all to have the best solution for them all…..

I’m having my own problem, and I’m working very hard to have it cleared in my life, still I care for the progress of people around me, as what is mentioned above, something as fragile as glass, is something not affordable to be mishandled, or the scars will probably live with you as long as you do……

When there’s sth that you just can’t do anything about it, probably the best solution is to leave it aside, and things will be fixed somehow, just too bad too few people believe in it, and too few people manage to do it

情

“离别是将来的相聚，相聚是未来的离别”。这句话，对很多人来说，都是悲哀的，尤其是想到这句话要应验在关心自己或自己关心的人身上，那该是何等折磨。
只是，从一开始听见这句朋友赠的名言，就惊觉此理实在对得很。日子长了，这几年下来的经历，更让自己对这句话有更深的体会，切肤之痛，虽痛不在自己身上，而发生在他人身上，自己不过是目睹的第三者，但感同身受，何尝不也能令自己深切了解个中道理？
缘聚缘散，本就非天人所能控制，而是冥冥中的主宰，而这“冥冥”的力量，到底在何方？而主宰这股力量的，又是何方神圣？
看得聚合离散太多了，尤其是大多数都在自己的预言中验证，更对这一股莫名的力量感到无力，感到无奈，感到无常。
如此说来，对于刚因缘分相聚，甚至是在一起的人，是否根本不该为他们感到太过分的高兴？尤其是自己更不看好的，是否就更加不改带有任何祝福？
我从来都不曾对“情”字感到百分之百的信心，对我来说，情字所在，总是带三分虚假，时间一长，什么狐狸的尾巴都会露出来了。呵，世人多薄情，就算当下的那一刻付出的是百分之百的真情，谁能担保那一份所谓的真，到底能维持多久？
世人因情而聚，因情而散，因情而喜，亦因情而忧，聊无止境的循环，能看透的，没有多少人。

paper

cluster的走廊静得可怕，哪怕只是在炎热的下午，我都感觉到一种了无生气的难受，拖鞋一双一双地消失了，有一点失落，有一点惆怅，更甚的，是沉闷。
你在干嘛？还不回到课本和笔记的怀抱里？怎么还浪费时间在无聊的部落格身上啊？我大概是无聊透顶得疯了，要借助一个自己写的部落格来教训自己，听起来有点好笑，但其实真正的感觉是悲哀。不是吗？当自己都在嘲笑自己的行为时，不是悲哀，难道是一种荣誉？
三张，我还有三张。。“哇，你还有三张都能那么轻松，一定很行吧？胸有成竹了吧？哎呀，别说什么压力啦，看你把握十足的样子，一定准备充足！”
对于这所谓的赞美，除了一笑置之外，我不知道还能给与什么样反应，什么样的回答。这是哪门子的道理啊！？为什么有paper就一定是那要生要死的臭脸？怎么？有paper就不能轻松吗？就不能喊“闷”吗？@#$*!，只觉得心中那一团闷火经不起那一点点的挑拨，否则自己就会像只猛兽般扑向对方猛咬。。。。
呵呵，我笑了，看着这一片像疯子写的文章，我自己也不得不笑了，写吧，继续写吧，写完之后又如何？骂吧，继续骂吧，骂完之后会怎样？事实终归事实，我也大概只能随着永无止境的循环旋转

moody

i'm moody, for no formal reasons, i'm moody......
i used to be a moody person, used to be, i still remember vividly....
having attached for one year makes my life much happier, it's rare in the past one year that i fell into moodiness all of a sudden, but still i keep on reminding myself, conducting a happier life doesn't mean i'm ripped off the right to be moody, in fact, i shouldn't resist when it comes, even for no reasons, somehow i feel that it's a need for me to be a little moody once in a while
i told juniors, people here do have problems with them, especially during exam period, problems will bursts out like pimples on face....
having 3 papers consecutively during the end of exam season is no fun at all, i probably have to allocate part of the responsibility of making me moody to exam stress, though it's not making me crazy, still it's difficult to bear with.....
well back to moodiness, it's weird to say, but i really do feel familiar with being moody again, it's like having the old me back, in a certain extent...found myself in a big group of friends eating and enjoying fun time together, but i was just mingling around and smiling mildly to each and everyone, i didn't talk much, nor did i responded actively, but just, being there quietly....
i must say that i sense a small amount of comforts by doing so, of course it's not perfectly enjoyable to be moody, but i found it neither torturous nor hazardous to my health, but just....i need to be moody to be balance at that particular moment, for no reasons....
and now i'm listening to sad songs and writing negative blogs, well not so negative some might say......i used to do it a lot, again, i enjoy it actually......
i'm going to be 22, reminded by a friend who is sooner than me to be, no more a kid, no more a teen, but a young adult, and shouldn't be too volatile with emotions management.....absolutely agree with that, but for tonight, for no particular reasons, i just wanna be moody.....

Wedding

i shouldn't be tired, but i am really, exhausted....
thanks to all the freaking modules this semester, i'm basically drowned in notes these 2 days, and there are more days to come....
went back hometown before this for my cousin brother's wedding, for 2 days, 16 hours of bus trip altogether, sounds crazy, even to me....
i can't say i'm very very close to him, i don't think he'd think that too, it's just that i have the urge to witness his wedding, the process of him starting a new family of his own....
he came down to ipoh to study in college after his SPM, 2 or 3 years i think, can't really recall those years, but i guess i was form 3..yeah around that...
he stayed quite near to my house, and went to my house for dinner almost everyday, sometimes i'd stay over in his place during weekends,we didn't really talk deep that time, what we usually did was merely buying ramly burger and watching late night show together,and...yeah,that's it.
i'm never close to my cousins, neither of my father's side nor from mother's side, he's not an exception, just that probably i find he's got some qualities that i kinda admire, and it's that feeling that i'd sacrificed 2 days of studies to attend his wedding ceremony.
family gathering, particularly for a person who's left home like me, is something happy and exciting. It's definitely a short one, i mean the one last week, nonetheless i felt unity of family, which i barely sensed it after both my grandparents passed away.
my family members aren't saints, i know they had quarrels in the past, and some of them don't really have the bond with others, but when it comes to family gathering, especially there are things like wedding, everything unhappy among them just disappears. Having both my grandparents lost, i know my family needs these to strengthen desperately.
taking bus back to singapore ALONE is not enjoyable, but the time before i fell asleep and not interested in the movie playing in the bus, was surprisingly a chance for me to do a little organization of my thoughts and memories....
i haven't done that for weeks....and the feeling is just nice that i can stop for a while in the long run and have a glimpse of what i've gone through. Time flies man, one more semester is gone, well what have i done that matters? and i'm getting fatter.....
ah.....i enjoy the feeling of having a flash back of my memories, and having to meet my cousin brother really recalled a lot of my own stories during my lower secondary years,anyway, congratulations to the couple

perfection

i'm not supposed to be awake at this hour, just too bad i've got some sudden feeling in my heart that, i probably need to let it out somewhere.....
we are all trained to think and behave perfectly, but we're all thrown into a world that can never be perfect, how sad......
how well can perfectionists fit into this world?one might need forever to search for the answer, some told me that the search for perfect, or at least the best in everything is no less than the best pushing force in trying to achieve goals of life..
i certainly do agree that life without aims, life without force or motivation to move ahead is worse than disastrous, but, even a correct action with a wrong reason can be a wrong action, well don't be surprised if you are familiar with the words, it's modified from a movie in fact.
sometimes i do wonder, do we, the young generation now, strive for the best because of the correct reason?or we, simply because of an invisible trend, are running blindly around, claiming that we are heading to perfection?
failure and dissatisfaction in life seem so horrible to most of us, including me, but suddenly i recalled something from a respected person of mine...
he was puzzled with the thinking of us, the so called young generation, for being so fragile, for being so easily discouraged, for being so vulnerable in front of failure, for being so sensitive of dissatisfaction in life....
we are spoiled, i must say that, no matter what kind of family or educational background one has, we are all spoiled, i insist on that.....
things change, so do people, but not all the time for a good reason. I commented that change itself is like a weapon which, does not carry values and hence, whether it is good or bad, beneficial or destructive, depends on one's perspective.
well having said that, this might be a proper explanation for what i've insisted strongly just now....because of the chase of perfection, our perception for the world has narrowed, and the big conclusion is, we all suffer, not because of others, but because of ourselves.

respect

fell sick.....can't imagine wearing windbreaker, long pants, fan number 1 still shivering in the room....
was once told that you homesick most when you're sick,did i?erm...not really, just got very frustrated, especially when things are piling up and yet you just can't strengthen up yourself to finish it up...arh.......
i seldom fall sick, well at least i seldom back in hometown,yeah,city life,modernized lifestyle.....ageing's getting faster and faster nowadays, it's just so sad to see that it's happening to me...i don't go jogging every evening anymore, i don't play badminton till 3 to 4 hours anymore, i don't even know how to serve well in table tennis...this is the price i paid after coming here,i hate that,i just hate that....
i'm sick yesterday and today, couldn't really pay attention in lectures, and talking about lectures, i just don't understand, what's the point of being a university undergraduate if, he or she doesn't even know how to respect the lecturer?i'm so sick of letting out the sound "shhh...." in lectures everytime lecturer wanna start...
what's the use of making such sound?no use at all, but i just can't bear with it, such inconsiderate behaviours of them is irritating...i wonder why is that more than 10 years of primary and secondary education can't even teach a person to just respect another person when he or she is speaking, this is so sarcastic, we are the so-called "professionals", but don't even know how to pay respect,funny....

成年

成年的一天，感恩的一天。
应该先感谢为我庆祝的好朋友，倘若有哪一位觉得我表现得有点尴尬，请不要怀疑，我是真的有点尴尬。从小到大，家里都很少，除了五岁以前吧！大概都没有所谓庆祝生日的习惯，从小到大，也不曾是朋友当中最受欢迎的一个，甚至可以说是不太有朋友，更不用说有什么生日派对。那么多年来，都和自己说不需要，也不会去想像有朋友专程安排，特地为我庆生的场景。其实内心的最深处知道，我是渴望的，我也是羡慕的，所以朋友们，请原谅我的尴尬，确实是因为人长到二十一岁了，也没有多少次庆生的经验。
成年两个字，好陌生啊！但是，它却永远都依附在我身边了，这几天也偶尔在想，自己需要为了这两个字，作出什么样的改变？还是成年，不过是另一个平凡的日子？
不知怎的，感恩，就是我唯一能想到的两个字。不只是因为性格的关系，还是样子的问题，一直都不太受大众欢迎，于是从小都在自己能力范围内不断的努力，盼得到他人的认可，盼得到他人的刮目相看。不甘平凡，一直都是内心的渴望，不愿意成为他人的衬托品，一直都是内心的奋斗的动力。我知道，内心的自己，矛盾得很，自卑的令自己相信永远都不可能被他人注意，自卑的令自己乖乖的当一个衬托品的角色；但另一方面却又自大得从不甘认输，自大得不愿意去相信自己的处境是一种理所当然。
我想拥有这一种内心的挣扎是不容易的吧！不然怎么一直都觉得自己的内心世界有点不完整。。。。
反而在想，当我在房间里舒舒服服的享受着高科技，凭十只手指写下自己心中的不甘时，地球上有多少比我不幸的人？而我现有的一切，又是多少人奋斗的贡献？
想到这里，怎么能不想到感恩？身处在地球这一个角落的人，都是幸福的人，我想这一辈子，都无法想像那些比我不幸十倍的人，他们成年的那一日，又是怎么度过的。
成年之后，应该改变的，就是在肩膀上加上“责任”两个字。脚上踏着的路，不再属于任何人，也不再有任何人能够闯进来，是走向使命的旅程，一个人的旅程，只愿沿路上的风景，从不间断。是披荆斩棘，还是一帆风顺，只愿不枉此生。

李香兰

很喜欢的一首歌，无论旋律或歌词，都让人百听不厌，更能感觉个中情感。
唱了二十年，张学友在这首歌的演绎上变得更炉火纯青，“歌神”称号，继许冠杰之后，非他莫属。

迟到，交易

迟到，是现代人的通病，也是我最讨厌，但也无法不接受的事。
听起来有点无可奈何？倘若你身边的朋友都不把“准时”看成一件值得注意的事情，再无可奈何的事情也得接受。
曾经有过最讽刺的一次经验，就是在同一天以内听见，对于我守时的习惯最好也最坏的话。
谁对我说的？那好像并不比当中的内容重要。
“很难得这么年轻就有这种好习惯，记得要把它牢牢的带在身上，你将终生受用无穷。”这是我因为守时听到最好的一句话。
“每个人都早已经习惯迟到，根本就是无法改变的事实，你再怎么准时，甚至早到，你认为你这样做会得到他人的重视吗？”不用说，这是最坏的。说这句话的人还沾沾自喜，甚至有点引以为傲的觉得深懂此理能让他受“万世爱戴”。自己的脾气要是暴躁些，早已对他不客气的训话。
什么原因？或许是因为科技发达，交通方便，让人们都忘记了这些千百年来古人所流传的美德吧！文明的弊病，没有多少人看得见，就算有人看得见，也不屑一顾。
很可笑，现代人的教育水平越来越高，但却越来越轻视别人的意见，别人的话从来就听不入耳。说的是坚持自己的主见，说穿了，不过是肚子里填了那几年的墨水，便刚愎自用，可笑。

最近对“朋友”这两个字又感到灰了。大家没看错，我加了一个“又”字，是因为我实在不是第一次对朋友有这样的感觉了。说实在的，甚至在其他人都还未醒觉有这种感觉的存在时，我早已在质问它存在的理由。
感情变得物质化，变得表面化，变得可替代化，变得虚假化，总的来说，变得“现代化”。朋友，好像真的都在互相利用了，“为什么你需要朋友？纯粹因为你寂寞，需要一个灵魂，甚至是一群灵魂围绕在你身边。。。”
便像是最隐藏化，最不起眼，或许说是掩饰得最好的一种交易，人与人之间因寂寞而寻找陪伴的一种交易。一旦各获所需，又或新的灵魂出现，那份合约，交易的合约自然再也无效，连毁约的赔偿金都省了。
朝秦暮楚，并不只出现在感情上，最可怕的，是当他出现在友情上时，才真正的把你打垮。连我看过对朋友最有热诚的人，都无法不感叹的同意，原来最要命的伤害，是前一秒与你称兄道弟，下一秒却问“你是谁？”，更冷酷的，甚至不屑问出这一句话，只把你当成另一个生命中出现千千万万次的路人甲。
这种隐藏在人心深处的交易，即使你正在当中，又有多少人会发现？

life is not easy

CAs are all over!!!hurray!!!!but assignment due next tuesday.......
what an anticlimax, this is so typical of second semester, well why should i care?haha,having papers over is just the nicest reason for me to give myself a break today.....
the papers aren't easy!!!and it didn't take long for me to discover some of my mistakes in the papers when i discussed with some friends about it.....haiz......
was walking back to my room when i suddenly thought of something about what my uncle told me.....
my family and i went to visit my uncle in penang before i started going back school for form six...and there i was in the living room chatting with them
being himself a former STPM student, surprisingly he didn't expect me to go for form six.....
"well my family can't afford overseas education, going to kl for A level or foundation is also too expensive in terms of living expenses, so there seems to be no other choices for me..."
"ok...it's another round of gambling then",that's what he said
another round of gambling,he use the word of gamble to describe STPM,sounds ridiculous but ironically, it's somehow a nice description......
i guess the reason he thought is really that he expected me to into some sort of a more secured path before entering into a Uni, instead of STPM, where chinese are to fight among themselves again after SPM for the pitifully few intake of the so called "nice courses" in local Uni
alright back to the point, of course what my uncle wanted was that i can have something more secured, to be able to have a seat in Uni easier, rather than going for STPM and try your luck one more chance.....
that was few years ago, and i'm now in National University of Singapore, all those seem so far from me,but suddenly i feel that the thinking of my uncle, once very far and irrelevant,become something so close and real.....
all the while when i was in malaysia, again my "extra respect" to the education system, i thought that things will be smooth and nice once you're in Uni, there will be no more fighting among each other, there will be no more gambling,life is easy.....
well LIFE IS NEVER EASY........the once biblical belief that one's life will become easy when he or she is in Uni is superbly absurd........
i was...well perhaps i am still,shaken by the fact that even when i am now enrolled in my favoured course of study in NUS here,life is still not easy,in fact,it's much tougher......there's never guarantee of anything in life,no matter which stage of life you're in, and hardwork is probably the most certain thing you need as you progress in life
my dream is moving further and further from my life,nothing i can do much to stop it although i've done all i can.....and for those who're still holding tight to the biblical belief, i can't be more certain that i want to tell them to wake up.............

回家

等待回家的这一天，心情却异常空虚。。。。。
回想起去年的这一天，感觉不知多么的兴奋，简直就想把所有的教科书及笔记丢向教授，哈哈！但今年的自己，却不能完全享有这种兴奋，被大学的种种俗事牵绊着，感觉变得更加复杂，一方面为即将来临的一星期为之高兴，另一方面又被一星期后的挑战为之困扰。
这一种牵绊，是否表示我已逐渐在此落脚，有了牵挂？是与不是都好，最起码知道的是，自己已经逐渐在适应了，并不只是纯粹的想逃离此处，奔回家里的暖窝；而是开始在这里找到属于自己的一个空间，一些不舍得的朋友，一些需要自己存在价值的工作，等等等等。。。
种种迹象，都告诉自己，我已经在settle down了。单纯的想，应该值得高兴，毕竟比起去年，心情自然轻松的多，各方面的表现也在恢复状态，是好事。
只是，打从懂事以后，就从来都不曾喜欢这一个小小的国家，如今开始适应，岂不变得矛盾？
或许一开始的不喜欢根本就是一种幼稚吧！渐渐的醒觉，当初的厌恶，可能只是不断地把外面的世界语家里比较，是一场只有输，没有赢的比赛。刚离开家的时候就已经告诉自己了，地球有哪一个角落能比家里更好？就算有，也是自己再组织一个家庭。
我又回家了，不管多少牵挂，感觉依然是美好的，一只倦鸟，在一整天的飞行之后，回到窝里，受父母的呵护，幸福自是不在话下，更不是一种必然的事情。每一个人，在有生之年，有多少时间能享受如此的人间之福？
朋友们，人的一生，你至少也走了大概二十年，应该醒觉，有很多事物，原来失去了之后，真得就失去了，不会再回来了。更加应该醒觉，人生的每一个阶段，都只能走一回，没有回头的路。

教练

好炎热的天气，搞得一整天的心情都处于低潮及有点浮躁的状态中。。。。。。
前两天梦起了一位很久都没再见面的。。。。长辈，有多久？好多年了，多得都不知怎么从记忆中再唤起当年的情景，他是教练。
不是我的武术教练，也不是我的羽球教练，是乒乓教练。
他不曾受过正统的训练，球技也不是卓越非凡，但他是我乒乓球的启蒙之师，更是我在多年之后，愈发佩服及尊敬的一位长辈。
严格来说，他做的，就是驾着他那辆不太大，而且相当旧的日本车，载我们到处练球，一分文也不受，还自己贴上车油费，更不时请我们吃饭。
父母亲刚开始都担心他心怀不轨，怎么可能有那么好的人？时间长了，反而赞叹，世上竟然有那么的好人。现在想来，才真正明白，老爸以前常说的，教练不会害你们的。以前不懂事，觉得是废话，而今再想来，才有发现，简单的一句话，对教练是多么崇高的敬意。
他不是最好的教练，没有提供一流的训练。但是他对乒乓的热诚，他对我们的真心付出，却从来都不曾要求回报，连想都没想过。
一个打理果园的平凡人，连自己的经济状况都不甚稳定，却竟然能花上如此多的心血及金钱在我们这群小伙子身上，得教练如此，不知是多少年积来的福。
多年以后，现在的自己，说得上是在逐渐踏入社会，对教练的恩惠，有更深一层的感触。要在人群中再找一位能对自己如此付出的人，就算不是不可能，也得等到白头发了吧！
两年前听说他有个孩子了，只不知他的收入是否又和当初一样的不稳定？还是已经稳下来，为家人的将来作打算？
对他恭敬之余，同样感到惭愧，当年的自己，偶尔队教练的不尊重，甚至轻视，委实一万个不应该，但愿他别放在心上的好。
前方的路，再也无法找到如此贵人，只愿教练在未来的日子一帆风顺。

Hiding from the truth

I made a big mistake, no, i made big mistakeSSSS, and i shall never forgive myself on that....
while other people are planning their minor, double major, or even double degree, i'm hiding in my room blaming myself.....
while other people are preparing for SEP, interviewing for NOC, or simply organizing overseas trip for society, i'm trying hard to convince myself that the mistakes i made cannot be undone...
while other people are enthusiastically enjoying their lives in NUS, i'm giving all i can, just to cover up everything, although i know i've already missed up a lot, and i am still, missing up a lot......
my parents always remind me of this problem of mine, having difficulties to adapt to new environment, and sometimes i just have to admit, i'm not as strong as i thought i am, i'm not as tough as i might look like, and i'm not as optimistic as i behave......
4 months of miserable life, and i just can't wash away the feeling of regrets in my heart even until now,what have i done?what have i done that leads me to this situation today?sometimes i just can't help but keep questioning myself, what am i doing?what's all this?oh gosh.....this is so not me....this is so not like my life, how can i escape from this?is there still a way for me to undo all these??i guess god will never give me a positive answer in these.........
perfectionist i am one, and all the while before this it was this mindset that push me to always strive for the best in whatever i'm doing.....yes, i do fail, but never did i fail to stand up and fight again, and never did i feel so beaten up that i fear of fighting back, the monster is just too strong for the hero to take revenge, no, there's no more hero, but coward...............
confidence, is always what i'm proud to have, charisma, is how i impress people when i speak, i wonder if that's the real me, or just some illusion whenever i stay in my comfort zone....
i was once the leader who gave command to all prefects in school, i was once an agressive player on court, i was once a programme director who made my decisions into actions in numerous events and functions, i was once a hardworking student confident enough to help other schoolmates in their studies....
there's no point in looking back to all these, i know, but the more i think about it, the more i feel my heart aches having myself drowned into the dillema today, people say i've changed, but not for the right reason, i got hurt by that, how many of them really understand my situation? how many of them really understand what have i gone through? i'm too lazy to argue, and it's just foolish to argue when some people just can't get it.....
again, i'm hiding in my room.......

1.16 am

it's 1.16 am in the morning....to be exact, i feel tired, but my heart tells me i don't wanna sleep....
some friends complain that i blog too much in chinese that is not understandable to them, well i will do this in english this time.....
another weekend ahead, and that's it about week 4, semester 1, year 2 of NUS.....NUS is like bullet train, you won't realize it after you've actually missed up a lot,is that true?erm, well in a certain extent, it is.......not to say that you've missed up, although i did actually....it's just that things just pop up continuously in front of you, and all you can do is just busy reacting to those, putting aside your initial plan, and it's only after a semester passes, you realize that you just miss the chance to execute your plan.....
a friend told me she's having difficulties catching up with her studies, putting much of her blames on CCA, well apparently she's not those enthusiasts of CCA, but still, should that be the reason of giving up CCA?university is about balanced life and time management, wise words from another senior friend, which is very much true. There is a saying in chinese (well i guess i shouldn't write it in chinese) , it just simply means that it is not necessarily a bad thing when you lose something, life is like a box chocolate, you never know before you open it up...
well for myself today, lectures are just boring as ever...and i just got moody and bored today that i couldn't concentrate much in revising, gosh CA is approaching and i'm still lazing......got time to blog somemore....lol.....
and, guess what?it's almost half a semester gone, what have i done so far? for first year students, this question might sound a bit more appealing and provoking compared to me as a 2nd year student i think, this is it, the bullet train will never stop moving ahead, and the passengers will just have to work hard to adjust to the speed, and even after that, much effort is still required to maintain the stability inside the train, well for newcomers, it could be a harsh experience though.....
played badminton for almost 3 hours, and it's intensive games that i've never had since a few years ago, disappointed by deterioration my skills, yet spiritually fully-charged after exercising, just miss those days when 3 hours of intensive games was just an weekly activities.....

满足

刚买下扩音器，总觉得房间充满着音符，整个人都觉得不一样了。
耳里听着的是光亮品冠分道扬镳之前的最后一张大碟，熟悉的旋律，再次在房间的空气中漂浮。
应该是七，八年前的专辑了，此刻再细细聆听，突然有点感触点滴在心。
不禁回想，当自己当年在为这几首歌曲疯狂的时候，身在何处，自己又是个什么样的男孩。。。
当年，该是刚升上中一吧！当时候的生活，当时候的心情，当时候的感觉，怎么也不再记得了。
唯一有点印象的，或许就是当年的自己，又或者应该说，当年的我们，都是那么的容易满足吧！
一生中再也无法再次拥有的心情，那份简单的心情，那个简单的生活，那几首简单的歌。
只可恨，那一份简单，却不能陪着我们走一辈子的路。

美梦成真

一年过去了，依然不停的在想，过去的一年，到底干了什么？依然不停的在责备自己，浪费了一年的时间，不知所谓，也一无所获，搞得到了今天，还得花上比别人多一份的努力，去把失去了的，能捞回多少就是多少。
把自己收藏了太久，宠坏了，连自信心也差点赔上了。也难怪，环境升级了，自卑心理自然又起来作祟了，结果判断错误了，又不肯补救，任由时间继续破坏的工作。更重要的是，连自己的方向都迷失了，浑浑噩噩的，行尸走肉。。。。。
花上相当的时间及血汗，总算提起当初的勇气及胆量，找回从前认识的自己，向眼前的困境再次迎战。这场战役打来不易，距离目标还有一段很长的路途，就连是否能战胜，自己也不敢写下保单。
衷心祈祷，努力换来成果，汗水换来的，是美梦成真。　

memories

rainy days in the late morning, just a nice weather and timing to start my first blog here....
been thinking for quite some time, what's the best item to be put it here in the first place, and it's decided to be something that i've always wanted to do, a tribute to my friends.....
for my new friends,well not so new actually,hehe,you're looking at a blog of memories, and welcome to my life in form six, filled with friendship, "hardship", tears and joy......
thousands of group photos in my collection and yet i find this most suitable as a start and a summary of my journey....

ah...my hair was so short that time.....kinda miss that kid look somehow.....
a fantastic photo with our teacher advisor during teachers' day celebration, was just selected to become a committee member in the sixth form society and there began my journey of a new life....will never have a colourful life without this bunch of friends...

a farewell steamboat dinner for seniors

a trip to pangkor island, just how nice if we can go once more,my friends...

a small temple in pangkor island....

the ultimate success of us: The 1st ever SIXTH FORM NIGHT

Lower six....half a year time and so many miracles just happened in my life.....which makes me look forward to upper six....

chinese new year concert....it looks so much like a big family photo

glitz nite 2006, the dance competition,so happy to be part of the organizing team...

and i shall never forget, the birthday celebration

and also, the farewell from junior comm of 6th form society

and our beloved teachers......

STPM...2 torturous week, somehow passed rather fast....and i can never forget, a day before my last paper, my grandmother suddenly passed away.....she suffered from Alzheimer's disease for several years before the day, though all of us in the family thought it'd be somehow a relieve for her from anymore suffers, i had great difficulties going through that day, as whole family went back to cameron highland, my hometown for the funeral and i had to bear with it alone in school library for the whole day.....i wonder if it was because of that i screwed up my chemistry paper 2.......
anyway, life after exam is just....inexplainable.....never in my life that i went for movie 3 times a week, and that lasted for almost 3 weeks time.....before i started working in guardian....

well, there's no need to talk much about guardian here...it's just monotonous work...and after that, STPM results released...also no need to talk about it....and after that...it's the best part...our gang trip.....
the first trip to kl, was actually not in my plan....well initially my plan was only to have a few friends to shop a little in kl, but never expected an awesome trip in the end of this....

sunway lagoon........how nice if we go again.....

walk out of apartment at midnight just to go for supper....

in monorail.....

the second one, was to cameron highland, a bored place one of my friend said....well it's my hometown, and honestly i don't really enjoy going back, but i just felt so different being there with friends.....

a group photo of all of us

look at the 4 ppl at the back...

making fire for the bbq....

steamboat on the second night

the last trip was a partially a farewell one....not long it lasted,only a night,and it was a night in tent,with mosquitoes and leeches...

enjoying refreshment after visiting the zoo...

playing captain's ball under the bright hot sun....

"kayak-ing",the "kayak" is made by us.....hoho

this is really not the first blog dedicated to my friends....but i just feeling doing so from time to time......i wasn't the one who received most attention in the gang, i wasn't the one who contribute to most laughters....i wasn't the one who everyone care for the most......but somehow i do feel the existence in this group of people.....
colourful life comes from colourful friends......