Hiding from the truth

I made a big mistake, no, i made big mistakeSSSS, and i shall never forgive myself on that....
while other people are planning their minor, double major, or even double degree, i'm hiding in my room blaming myself.....
while other people are preparing for SEP, interviewing for NOC, or simply organizing overseas trip for society, i'm trying hard to convince myself that the mistakes i made cannot be undone...
while other people are enthusiastically enjoying their lives in NUS, i'm giving all i can, just to cover up everything, although i know i've already missed up a lot, and i am still, missing up a lot......
my parents always remind me of this problem of mine, having difficulties to adapt to new environment, and sometimes i just have to admit, i'm not as strong as i thought i am, i'm not as tough as i might look like, and i'm not as optimistic as i behave......
4 months of miserable life, and i just can't wash away the feeling of regrets in my heart even until now,what have i done?what have i done that leads me to this situation today?sometimes i just can't help but keep questioning myself, what am i doing?what's all this?oh gosh.....this is so not me....this is so not like my life, how can i escape from this?is there still a way for me to undo all these??i guess god will never give me a positive answer in these.........
perfectionist i am one, and all the while before this it was this mindset that push me to always strive for the best in whatever i'm doing.....yes, i do fail, but never did i fail to stand up and fight again, and never did i feel so beaten up that i fear of fighting back, the monster is just too strong for the hero to take revenge, no, there's no more hero, but coward...............
confidence, is always what i'm proud to have, charisma, is how i impress people when i speak, i wonder if that's the real me, or just some illusion whenever i stay in my comfort zone....
i was once the leader who gave command to all prefects in school, i was once an agressive player on court, i was once a programme director who made my decisions into actions in numerous events and functions, i was once a hardworking student confident enough to help other schoolmates in their studies....
there's no point in looking back to all these, i know, but the more i think about it, the more i feel my heart aches having myself drowned into the dillema today, people say i've changed, but not for the right reason, i got hurt by that, how many of them really understand my situation? how many of them really understand what have i gone through? i'm too lazy to argue, and it's just foolish to argue when some people just can't get it.....
again, i'm hiding in my room.......