回家

等待回家的这一天，心情却异常空虚。。。。。
回想起去年的这一天，感觉不知多么的兴奋，简直就想把所有的教科书及笔记丢向教授，哈哈！但今年的自己，却不能完全享有这种兴奋，被大学的种种俗事牵绊着，感觉变得更加复杂，一方面为即将来临的一星期为之高兴，另一方面又被一星期后的挑战为之困扰。
这一种牵绊，是否表示我已逐渐在此落脚，有了牵挂？是与不是都好，最起码知道的是，自己已经逐渐在适应了，并不只是纯粹的想逃离此处，奔回家里的暖窝；而是开始在这里找到属于自己的一个空间，一些不舍得的朋友，一些需要自己存在价值的工作，等等等等。。。
种种迹象，都告诉自己，我已经在settle down了。单纯的想，应该值得高兴，毕竟比起去年，心情自然轻松的多，各方面的表现也在恢复状态，是好事。
只是，打从懂事以后，就从来都不曾喜欢这一个小小的国家，如今开始适应，岂不变得矛盾？
或许一开始的不喜欢根本就是一种幼稚吧！渐渐的醒觉，当初的厌恶，可能只是不断地把外面的世界语家里比较，是一场只有输，没有赢的比赛。刚离开家的时候就已经告诉自己了，地球有哪一个角落能比家里更好？就算有，也是自己再组织一个家庭。
我又回家了，不管多少牵挂，感觉依然是美好的，一只倦鸟，在一整天的飞行之后，回到窝里，受父母的呵护，幸福自是不在话下，更不是一种必然的事情。每一个人，在有生之年，有多少时间能享受如此的人间之福？
朋友们，人的一生，你至少也走了大概二十年，应该醒觉，有很多事物，原来失去了之后，真得就失去了，不会再回来了。更加应该醒觉，人生的每一个阶段，都只能走一回，没有回头的路。

教练

好炎热的天气，搞得一整天的心情都处于低潮及有点浮躁的状态中。。。。。。
前两天梦起了一位很久都没再见面的。。。。长辈，有多久？好多年了，多得都不知怎么从记忆中再唤起当年的情景，他是教练。
不是我的武术教练，也不是我的羽球教练，是乒乓教练。
他不曾受过正统的训练，球技也不是卓越非凡，但他是我乒乓球的启蒙之师，更是我在多年之后，愈发佩服及尊敬的一位长辈。
严格来说，他做的，就是驾着他那辆不太大，而且相当旧的日本车，载我们到处练球，一分文也不受，还自己贴上车油费，更不时请我们吃饭。
父母亲刚开始都担心他心怀不轨，怎么可能有那么好的人？时间长了，反而赞叹，世上竟然有那么的好人。现在想来，才真正明白，老爸以前常说的，教练不会害你们的。以前不懂事，觉得是废话，而今再想来，才有发现，简单的一句话，对教练是多么崇高的敬意。
他不是最好的教练，没有提供一流的训练。但是他对乒乓的热诚，他对我们的真心付出，却从来都不曾要求回报，连想都没想过。
一个打理果园的平凡人，连自己的经济状况都不甚稳定，却竟然能花上如此多的心血及金钱在我们这群小伙子身上，得教练如此，不知是多少年积来的福。
多年以后，现在的自己，说得上是在逐渐踏入社会，对教练的恩惠，有更深一层的感触。要在人群中再找一位能对自己如此付出的人，就算不是不可能，也得等到白头发了吧！
两年前听说他有个孩子了，只不知他的收入是否又和当初一样的不稳定？还是已经稳下来，为家人的将来作打算？
对他恭敬之余，同样感到惭愧，当年的自己，偶尔队教练的不尊重，甚至轻视，委实一万个不应该，但愿他别放在心上的好。
前方的路，再也无法找到如此贵人，只愿教练在未来的日子一帆风顺。

Hiding from the truth

I made a big mistake, no, i made big mistakeSSSS, and i shall never forgive myself on that....
while other people are planning their minor, double major, or even double degree, i'm hiding in my room blaming myself.....
while other people are preparing for SEP, interviewing for NOC, or simply organizing overseas trip for society, i'm trying hard to convince myself that the mistakes i made cannot be undone...
while other people are enthusiastically enjoying their lives in NUS, i'm giving all i can, just to cover up everything, although i know i've already missed up a lot, and i am still, missing up a lot......
my parents always remind me of this problem of mine, having difficulties to adapt to new environment, and sometimes i just have to admit, i'm not as strong as i thought i am, i'm not as tough as i might look like, and i'm not as optimistic as i behave......
4 months of miserable life, and i just can't wash away the feeling of regrets in my heart even until now,what have i done?what have i done that leads me to this situation today?sometimes i just can't help but keep questioning myself, what am i doing?what's all this?oh gosh.....this is so not me....this is so not like my life, how can i escape from this?is there still a way for me to undo all these??i guess god will never give me a positive answer in these.........
perfectionist i am one, and all the while before this it was this mindset that push me to always strive for the best in whatever i'm doing.....yes, i do fail, but never did i fail to stand up and fight again, and never did i feel so beaten up that i fear of fighting back, the monster is just too strong for the hero to take revenge, no, there's no more hero, but coward...............
confidence, is always what i'm proud to have, charisma, is how i impress people when i speak, i wonder if that's the real me, or just some illusion whenever i stay in my comfort zone....
i was once the leader who gave command to all prefects in school, i was once an agressive player on court, i was once a programme director who made my decisions into actions in numerous events and functions, i was once a hardworking student confident enough to help other schoolmates in their studies....
there's no point in looking back to all these, i know, but the more i think about it, the more i feel my heart aches having myself drowned into the dillema today, people say i've changed, but not for the right reason, i got hurt by that, how many of them really understand my situation? how many of them really understand what have i gone through? i'm too lazy to argue, and it's just foolish to argue when some people just can't get it.....
again, i'm hiding in my room.......

1.16 am

it's 1.16 am in the morning....to be exact, i feel tired, but my heart tells me i don't wanna sleep....
some friends complain that i blog too much in chinese that is not understandable to them, well i will do this in english this time.....
another weekend ahead, and that's it about week 4, semester 1, year 2 of NUS.....NUS is like bullet train, you won't realize it after you've actually missed up a lot,is that true?erm, well in a certain extent, it is.......not to say that you've missed up, although i did actually....it's just that things just pop up continuously in front of you, and all you can do is just busy reacting to those, putting aside your initial plan, and it's only after a semester passes, you realize that you just miss the chance to execute your plan.....
a friend told me she's having difficulties catching up with her studies, putting much of her blames on CCA, well apparently she's not those enthusiasts of CCA, but still, should that be the reason of giving up CCA?university is about balanced life and time management, wise words from another senior friend, which is very much true. There is a saying in chinese (well i guess i shouldn't write it in chinese) , it just simply means that it is not necessarily a bad thing when you lose something, life is like a box chocolate, you never know before you open it up...
well for myself today, lectures are just boring as ever...and i just got moody and bored today that i couldn't concentrate much in revising, gosh CA is approaching and i'm still lazing......got time to blog somemore....lol.....
and, guess what?it's almost half a semester gone, what have i done so far? for first year students, this question might sound a bit more appealing and provoking compared to me as a 2nd year student i think, this is it, the bullet train will never stop moving ahead, and the passengers will just have to work hard to adjust to the speed, and even after that, much effort is still required to maintain the stability inside the train, well for newcomers, it could be a harsh experience though.....
played badminton for almost 3 hours, and it's intensive games that i've never had since a few years ago, disappointed by deterioration my skills, yet spiritually fully-charged after exercising, just miss those days when 3 hours of intensive games was just an weekly activities.....

满足

刚买下扩音器，总觉得房间充满着音符，整个人都觉得不一样了。
耳里听着的是光亮品冠分道扬镳之前的最后一张大碟，熟悉的旋律，再次在房间的空气中漂浮。
应该是七，八年前的专辑了，此刻再细细聆听，突然有点感触点滴在心。
不禁回想，当自己当年在为这几首歌曲疯狂的时候，身在何处，自己又是个什么样的男孩。。。
当年，该是刚升上中一吧！当时候的生活，当时候的心情，当时候的感觉，怎么也不再记得了。
唯一有点印象的，或许就是当年的自己，又或者应该说，当年的我们，都是那么的容易满足吧！
一生中再也无法再次拥有的心情，那份简单的心情，那个简单的生活，那几首简单的歌。
只可恨，那一份简单，却不能陪着我们走一辈子的路。