I've come back to NUS for more than 3 weeks, almost a month, and things have not been quite ok....
it's quite normal for people to relate that to things like, not enough money to spend, no place to stay, or having some interpersonal relationship problems, or even work problems....i can't say that i have no problem at all for all those, but those are not the major ones, but people might ask then, what else?
i didn't expect that after 3 years in NUS, it's only my final year that i've suddenly made a trip to the counseling center....
i've been having some problems ever since i come back from hometown, problems that i, for so many years in my life, have realized the existence, their persistence in my life but have not been strong enough to overcome, or rather, still do not understand them fully...
i dare not say that no one actually understand my problems, but trust me, when i wanted to tell somebody about it, it's either me having difficulties making them into understandable words or the person just don't get it....
ok, i don't wanna make it sounds like it's so serious that i've got to be admitted into a mental health hospital, but being troubled with it for so many years, and knowing that it's mainly of internal causes, i have to say that it's indeed torturing at times, particularly, not many people actually experience or understand it, i mean, after all, how many people around you have a mind that has gone haywire?
chatting with the counselor the other day for less than half an hour did nothing particularly beneficial other than reminding me the fact that all of the problems, come from my mind, yes, my mind created them....
let your mind be your best friend, but not your worst enemy, to quote the counselor.
so happen carly and i was watching a hong kong drama about psychiatrists and people who are mentally-ill, "a great way to care", i can't help having such complicated yet overwhelming feelings about the strength of a person's mind...
i did not attend any of the commencement ceremony so far but merely share the joy via looking at pictures in facebook, it certainly is a great milestone in life for everyone, and every time i think of it, can't help thinking back my life....
and suddenly i realize, because of my mind, or mainly because of it, i've missed so many things in life, i've screwed up so many things in life..
now, looking back too frequent in life alone, is already a problem about my mind, is already something that will hold me back, not counting other factors that worsen it.....
i hate the feeling of being stucked in the middle, i certainly hope that after failing so many times in my past 20 years, i can go all out to achieve something, anything in coming years of my life
i know i'm held back to a great extent, i hate it, i hate myself sometimes, i scold myself because of it....
not long before coming to NUS, 3 years ago, when i sent my car for some servicing and i happened to bump into a classmate who's working there, i learnt a great lesson of life...
let's just hope these 3 miserable weeks will become another "classmate" of mine to teach me another lesson, one that will transcend my life to a higher platform...
