What's the big deal?

2012

2012-01-11T23:17:00.002+08:00

又是新的一年，几乎每时每刻都听见身边的人在说着新一年的展望，目标。事实往往是说很容易，做很难，但并不能把之当成虚度光阴的借口。去年写下的愿望，大概达到了六十，七十巴仙，依然是及格，但不是令人满意的地步。
往年设下的愿望比较笼统，大概都是凡事尽力，不要留下遗憾之类的。踏入工作的第二年，对于眼前的道路依然感觉模糊，不安。饶是如此，过往那随遇而安的态度得有所收敛。并不是从此要逆天而行，但也不能把一切交由上天决定。很多年前，长辈和自己说“谋事在人，成事在天”。当年的自己对所有事情都太执着，长辈的这句话，其实是在强调后半部的“成事在天”。多年后的今天，人生走到了关键点，这句话的前半部成了重点，“谋事在人”，机会有时候是天定，但永远是有准备的人才有资格获得，切记，切记。
准确的说，新的一年就是在事业及财政上继续有稳健的发展，和亲人，爱人维持一辈子都亲密的关系，更重要的，是一份很多现代人都忽略的投资，健康。今年依然得坚持付出时间，关注饮食，适时纾解压力，更重要的，经常运动，维持生理上的活跃。
这一篇写得较像日志，其实是希望在新的一年起一个提醒的作用。
人跨过了毕业这一门槛之后，忽然觉得肩上的担子又升级到了另一个层次。身边或许有人会说，才刚开始，总得让自己先享受生活，时机到了，总会有办法成家立业。
我从不反对享受生活，甚至母亲也会对自己说要先享受单身的自由，勿要操之过急。我对之毫无异议，只是，该谨慎的是，莫要让这一切成了逃避的借口。人是短视的动物，先苦后甜的习惯，其实是应该要从小培养的习惯。对于太大，太远，看不见的事物，人都习惯逃避，不去看，不去听，不去想。
计划赶不上变化，但如果完全没有计划，莫谈赶不上，简直应付不了变化，只会被一股大浪冲得粉身碎骨。

长跑的意义

2011-12-23T17:05:00.002+08:00

距离42.197公里长跑已过了三个星期，晒到焦的身体部位早换皮了，新皮也从嫩转粗。而我，也懒惰了三个星期，完全没有运动。
说好了给自己的奖赏，我十分享受。开跑前的最后一个月突然感觉莫大的压力和恐慌，不知道要怎么完成，结果把自己逼紧了，搞得当时有点讨厌跑步这运动。
还记得一年前定下长跑的目标，原因不过是为了减肥，保持身材。不想当它真要来的时候，感觉还是另外一回事。有点像学习与考试一样的又爱又恨的关系。
相较起半年前的25公里，三个星期前的挑战来得更恐怖，但感觉却更愉快。或许是半年前完全没有心理准备，几乎全程都已负面的心态去完成，此次的心情截然不同，七个小时都用正面的想法激励自己完成旅程。值得每个人在人生至少完成一次的事情本就不那么容易吧！开始之前和自己说，没什么大不了，跑不动不就走嘛！事实上，当已经筋疲力尽的时候，每踏一步都需要很大的努力啊！
我想大概好一段时间都不会再跑全程马拉松吧！训练的时间大可腾下来玩玩其他喜欢的运动。饶是如此，我还是感到骄傲，人一辈子一定要至少做一次的事情，绝对没有后悔！再一次用汗水提醒自己，当自己对一件事物的渴望超出一切的时候，一切阻碍都变得毫无意义，只要一步一步地踏向前，总有梦想成真的一天

那些年的青春与爱情

2011-11-14T21:58:00.002+08:00

看“法证先锋3”，看男主角女主角，一个离婚，一个失恋，经历了一次生死，突然发现对方在自己心中有着不可取代的地位。很自然都走在一起，没有激情，也没有所谓的浪漫，就是很舒服，很自然的走在一起。
会否太过戏剧化姑且不说，朋友看了之后，叹了口气，说：“上了年纪，爱情好像就应该是如此。对了，就走在一起，没有太多其他的东西。”
我当下没有说什么，其实心里明白。确实，我们都过了那些年。那些年，喜欢暧昧，女生喜欢被男生追的感觉。那一段，轻快追逐爱情的日子。年纪渐长，很多人都累了，也不想要再浪费时间在无谓的追逐，无谓的暧昧，无谓的尝试。因为尝试与暧昧，并不能保证一定会带来什么，反之，会搞得人很累。很多人开始羡慕已经走在一起，安安定定，舒舒服服的感觉。
所以，看见电视里，男女主角，感觉对了，很自然的走在一起，没有多余的动作。只是，现实社会里，尔虞我诈，岂会那么容易？
看“那些年，我们一起追的女孩”，说真的，我感动了。无它，纯粹因为被点中了死穴，我还是怀念的青春啊！套九把刀的一句话，那热血的青春啊！！
而我的青春，其实并没有电影的精彩。没那么帅，没那么叛逆，也没有那么完美的女神看上自己。我怀念的，是青春，纯真，幼稚。因为，无论有没有爱情，我们都有那一段美好的青春。
倘若要说电影的结论，应该说，年轻时，感觉多一些，爱情少一些，所以那一段岁月，很多人追逐感觉而失去爱情。到了这个年纪，只能说，感觉要珍惜，爱情，更要珍惜。

愚蠢的进化论

2011-09-26T22:00:00.003+08:00

许久都没有写了，这句话好像不时都会重复。确实，自从三年前踏入实验室以来，就没有了写的习惯，现在想来，不知道纯粹是懒惰，还是，所谓的写作，不过是当年的那段堕落的岁月的一点调剂品。
虽说是堕落，我一直都想念，甚至于，前几天放了自己几天的短假，溜回家里享受温暖，骤然间有一种回到学生身份的感觉。学生的身份，竟开始有一种陌生的感觉，短短的几天，感觉极不真实，好像做梦，而现下，正是回到现实的片刻。
有一位香港的朋友，数年前相识于岛国。有那么一个星期日，相伴走在市中心乌节路上，而友人竟然说，岛国人的生活，真悠闲。当年的自己刚从乡下到城市求学，极大的文化冲击之下，根本无法想象这拥挤的城市怎么住人，竟然听见这么一句话，当下哭笑不得。言下之意，说明香港环境更糟。
时过境迁，五年前的事了。前几天和友人聊天，说起城市人的生活，出现了一句“香港人求生存不求生活”，惊叹之余，只落得一声无奈。我想，友人的真正意思是，香港人顶多只能求存，没有求生的资格。香港身为经济蓬勃的亚洲金融中心，何其哀哉。南下的岛国，自也好不了哪里去。
动物的天性，本就是求存。谈生活的本质，是一种人性，进化后的文明。大学时期一直对进化论甚有兴趣，觉得那何其美妙。此刻想来，人的进化，顶多只是一个臭皮囊。脑子里想要的生活，全是自己给予自己的幻想。看看周遭的“进化猴子”，有谁每一天不是如禽兽一般的挣扎求存？我们自称万物之灵，实在是自欺欺人的天大笑话

心态

2011-08-15T21:33:00.002+08:00

2011世界羽毛球锦标赛，李宗伟与林丹的所谓“巅峰之战”，依己所见，堪称经典。自己不算羽球发烧友，但也算是爱打球，对于李宗伟，自己并不陌生。林丹的嚣张跋扈，从来都看不过眼，但他是羽坛难得一见的天才球员，这是不争的事实。近几年李宗伟的蜕变，让我在他身上看到了希望，撼倒中国长城的希望。全英赛的胜利，更让我相信林丹的时代开始走向尾声，应该是李宗伟的天下了。
三局的恶斗后，李宗伟败下阵来，一个晚上，除了扼腕，还是扼腕。他一直处于领先，多次夺冠的机会都擦肩而过，怎叫人不为之惋惜？虽然，三局打下来，自己都隐隐约约感觉到不想在他身上看见的东西，恐惧，患得患失，一丝丝的不确定。心态，我想，李宗伟终究难以摆脱。就连他自己在赛后也承认，在关键的时刻，就是差在这里。在关键时刻，有的人发挥失常，有的人却大发神威，胜负就差在这里。
武林至尊，宝刀屠龙，倚天不出，谁与争锋？倘若李宗伟是倚天剑，我只能说，林丹这把屠龙刀，就是比倚天剑多了那么一点致胜的东西。大马球迷至少能够感到欣慰的，是在李宗伟面前，林丹再没有便宜可讨，得扎扎实实的拼下每一分。
至少，李宗伟输了这一次，或许能放下姿态，以更轻松的心情在明年奥运把林丹砍下马也不一定。

生命

2011-05-22T17:54:00.002+08:00

与癌魔对抗了短短的四个月，姨丈依然不敌病魔，与世长辞了。来新加坡动手术的第一天，仿佛是上个星期的事。这所谓的“一个星期”，其实已经包含了手术移除癌细胞，电疗余下的癌细胞，开刀的伤口久治不愈，喉咙因神经线受损而无法吞咽食物，都后来的脑水积涨，肺部发炎，姨丈的这一条路走得有多辛苦，外人不容易想象。有家人质疑，是否当中有那一个一生的决定影响最终的结局，其实一路走来，姨丈都没有选择，只能说是命之所在，不得不从。至少，躺在家里的最后一个星期，他是半昏迷，也是平静的。至少，他熬过了女儿的婚礼，也在人生的最后一段路得到家人的陪伴，想得乐观一点，虽然走得有点年轻，终究比许多人幸运。
顺利完成25公里长跑，是人生的一个旅程碑，象征着生命的奋斗，最重要的是，这是一种欢庆年轻的生命力的方式。不敢说是什么创举，但对自己来说确实是意义重大的一站。长跑的意义，应该是印证着意志力是跨越难关的关键的道理。其实并没有做足充分准备的自己，还真的不知道有没有能力顺利完成任务，还是最终会被救伤车载到终站去。用身体，用意志把双腿不停地往前拉，这感觉十分难忘。目光朝向终点，告诉自己一定要完成，长跑的这一夜，将是人生的一大激励。

没有人nobody

2011-03-18T20:48:00.003+08:00

很久以前，当友人开始为友谊之间的利益关系而困惑之时，我曾经坦荡荡的说了一句“人不为己，天诛地灭，人性本如此，朋友又怎会例外？但求没有伤害自己，就可以了”。一直秉持着的观念，是因为自己坚信，过得了自己，就过得了所有人。殊不知有时候，过得了所有人，所有人都开心了，不开心的是自己。
小的时候，妈妈常都教训，凡事要多为他人着想，要体谅，要关心别人的感受，还不时拿身边的人举例，做人处事，都应该以人为本。
交朋友以来，一直很喜欢大家高高兴兴的气氛。为此，常把一句“无所谓，大家高兴就好”挂在嘴边。衷心的觉得，只要大家高兴，去哪里有什么关系？吃什么有何所谓？干什么又如何？只要大家高兴，自己也高兴。“朋友嘛，相处嘛，总是要有人吃亏的”，这么告诉自己。不怕吃亏，其实就是在占便宜。职场上的真理，自己把它也套在友谊身上了。
“不是每个人都是这样，那是因为你好人。”有人这么说。
交女友之后，尽最大的努力让爱的人快乐。妈妈教导的，要体谅，要关心全都用上了。自己却不知道，过火了，最后辛苦的是自己。本来属于朋友的一百分，被女友分走了。有一点两头不到岸的感觉，两边不讨好啊，就算两边讨好了，最后发现，自己最不被讨好。替人着想，久而久之，会被当成理所当然。
想说的是，自己只不过让自己关心的人开心快乐，然后自己就会快乐。要讨好，要体谅，要配合两边的人又谈何容易？我可以有一天选择不再吃亏吗？我可以选择有一天让他人来体谅我吗？

新年

2011-02-08T16:05:00.003+08:00

真正发觉分别的一刻，是当自己毫不犹豫的下赌注之时。
当然不是在赌场里面，而是自己和朋友家里的“小赌怡情”。
突然发觉，这一个新年，我已经正式脱离学生身份，在工作的第一年。赚的钱不是很多，但也足够让自己很潇洒的“小赌怡情”，没有心痛的感觉。
回父亲老家的心情很矛盾，家里某些贪心且厚颜无耻的人早已因为钱的问题搞得气氛僵硬，自己实在不想要假期的美好心情就那么被一张披着人皮的狼脸搞砸了。
没想到有些人还真懂得变脸，在关键时刻把之前所做所说的完全抛诸脑后，好像自己替自己洗脑了一般，然后表现的那副长辈的关怀。
团圆饭的气氛多了一份，自从爷爷奶奶去世之后就少见的热闹。心情其实不错，但怎么也没有让自己融入其内，只是静静的吃着团圆饭，兑现着自己之前的预言，过年，除了美食之外，不外如是。
欢笑的背后，当然知道有些人想的不知那么简单，绝不会只贪图那一两罐的鲍鱼，又或是一两只烧鸡，烧鸭的。我可以预见的，应该是越来越黑暗的心，阴沉的脸，讽刺的话，还有不知道多强硬的手段。
父母亲健康，生活安定，人生还有着使命和目标，是新年最大的安慰。对前程的不确定，我不敢对他们说的太多，一份小小的家用，让他们知道我还债之余，仍然有能力供养自己，为未来规划，应该算是一份新年礼物。
朋友的聚会越来越有时间不够用的感觉。一年下来，有那么多的经历分享不完，可见面了，却不知道要怎么开口。原来，话越多，越不知道要怎么说。
回家的那一晚，躺在房间里，看着直达天花板的衣橱，想起了十多年前，刚搬进这个家的时候，心里对这新环境有那么一点的不安，晚上临睡前就望着这一个角度。原来已经第五年了，不常在家的这五年，我好怀念，五年前的日子，更是需要用力的去回想，才稍稍的抓住那么一点点。这，就是人生。

新生命的意义

2011-01-04T23:05:00.003+08:00

姨丈明天的大手术，使得他全家人都赶到医院，为他打气，为他加油。他是个爽朗阔达的人，这一次癌细胞扩散，严重得连医生都无法做一个完整的评估。手术危险性不言而喻，整个大家庭的人除了出钱之外，根本是束手无措。医生沉重的脸色和语气，让每个人的心都像是被绑着千斤大石头，沉落大海。
他终究在手术的前一晚留下了一点男儿泪。我有一点吃惊，有点不知所措。还是大儿子的女朋友成功安慰了他，要他好起来，媳妇的茶等着他呢，孙子等着他呢。这一夜，老婆守候在旁，不知道会是一个什么样的倒数，结发夫妻数十年了，人生这一大关，过得了还是过不了，至少，身旁还有另一半。我能想到稍微安慰的想法，只有那么多。
生命是那么的顽强，却又无时无刻显得脆弱无比。我突然想起之前一直都问自己的问题，为什么要生小孩？为什么要把新生命带到这个世界？为了传宗接代？有一点过时的想法，对这个已经挤得水泄不通的世界也说不通。为了有爱情的结晶？生下一个饭来张口衣来伸手，只会要钱不会赚钱，惹你生气却一点也不为意的结晶品？说不过去。为了孩子？这世上还没有任何可以和未出生的生命沟通的发明，无法征求同意，也说不通。为了自己？人都说生下小孩，生命才算完整。
到的今时今日，我依然觉得生命是苦的，世界是残酷的，根本不是一个生存的空间，也不知道生命的意义在哪里。我的生命意义，严格来说，不过是因为被无法自己决定就被生下来这世界的事实逼出来的，有一点自我安慰的意义。所以根本就看不见有任何为新生命而兴奋感动的意义，甚至不觉得有这个必要。
在你评论这段言论为消极或废话之前，请先问问自己，生小孩的意义在哪里？

新年

2011-01-02T20:39:00.002+08:00

如果蒙蒙细雨可以算是白色的话，今年的“白色”圣诞和“白色”新年还真是白的可以。。。
刚过去的，是多灾多难的一年，相当讽刺的是，就连最后一个月，全球各地也是在寒冷中度过。欧美地区经历了破记录性的大雪，连站在赤道上的新马地区也分了一杯羹，一个月下来的大风大雨，让赤道国家人民享受短暂的秋天，虽带来不方便，却不失为享受。只是再过不到一个月，农历新年来临之时，天气大概又会转变成酷热得母亲也不认得自己的样子，地球暖化啊，什么时候可以看见这漫长又煎熬的过程来个终结？
记得一年前的新年愿望，又或是目标，是不想要留下后悔和遗憾。这一年到头来发生了那么多的事情，怎么记得那么多啊？但硬要我打分的话，大概是六，七十分。合格的分数，却并不是很理想。过后想了一想，有那么一些重要的决定，到今天都无法确定是否正确，到今天都无法完全释怀，选择是那么的痛苦，到了某种程度，让人不禁有种想法，分岔路，所谓选择的自由，有时候确实是痛苦的根源。
或许，要了无遗憾，要夫复何求，又是谈何容易的事？年轻人有的是时间，有的是本钱，或许，这才是真正遗憾的缘由。
始终不应该以太灰暗的心情开始新的一年，新的愿望，是希望计划能够周全一点，长远一点。有人说，计划永远赶不上改变，固然是事实，但没有计划，只有原地踏步的份儿。

如果我消失

2010-12-10T23:39:00.002+08:00

如果我在下一刻消失，会有人在乎吗？
总是有的，父母弟妹会心痛欲绝，可除此之外，还会有人吗？
大概是不会有了，可悲的事实，总会在一次又一次最不经意的时候提醒自己
所有的假象，都是会破灭的气泡，经不起那么一点的触碰
做人的意义，在这一个晚上，显得模糊，让人质疑它的存在

family? i doubt so

2010-12-08T22:55:00.002+08:00

what's the meaning of having a family?
what i mean here is not the immediate family, i don't mean parents AND siblings, i mean parents' siblings
I remember returning to the so-called "kampung" every festival or non-festival celebration, chinese new year and granny's birthday. I remember feeling awkward since young being in the big family, not being able to mix well with cousins, and uncles and aunties with childishness anyone couldn't ever imagine. I remember growing older and then realize that that's simply my dad's "kampung", not mine, that's simply his siblings, not mine, that's simply uncles' and aunties' children, not really that much of my cousins, at least judging from what i feel from them since young
so when one single member in the big "family" gets fuckingly childish and annoying, to the extent that you feel like not freaking care and just slap her head off her fucking body, it simply irritates you even more that you couldn't do that not because you don't have the gut, but because you just don't want things to get things too ugly in the so called "family" as after all, that's where your parents belong to when they grow older
and when the children grow old enough to start a new life, it's a duty to make sure that parents are not losing everything in their lives, at least a family other than the children
so it's just difficult when you cannot stand a 50 over years old baby in the family making noises at home while you try hard to make it a land of peace for parents, why can't someone just smash her to hell and slowly barbeque her devilish body? it'd be a good deed to just get rid of someone contributing nothing to this already chaotic world but only creating mess, count me in for the barbeque in hell

为人父母甚艰难

2010-11-30T22:20:00.002+08:00

本来签好了同意书，今天到医院来进行扫描的小女生，身旁站着父亲，紧张的追问着研究的所有细节。他在许多关节上的纠缠，都关于医学上的问题。十五分钟的解释无法让他对这一个“白老鼠”的不安释怀，于是把研究的主治医师找来，详细的解说一遍。
最后他答应让女孩参加研究，虽然我知道他心中是那么的不愿意。或许是屈服于医生的威严，或许是知道如果没有研究费用赞助，扫描非常昂贵，又或许是真的明白了，这我真的不懂。当下的那一刻，还真的有那么一点不耐烦于他的纠缠不清，拖延了整个早上的工作。
过了不是很久，突然觉得他真的很像父亲，我的父亲。就是那一刻，对整件事情的看法完全改变。他的纠缠不清，原因是他根本不知道女儿要做的扫描是什么一回事。他只知道，当研究的白老鼠，就一定会有副作用，对身体有多多少少的损伤。他表现的紧张急躁，完全是担心女儿，紧张女儿，是一个父亲的伟大。
想到自己的父亲一样是容易紧张的人，或许换了是他，也一样会有同样的反应吧。父亲爱孩子的心情，做孩子不可能完全体会。因此而做出一些不可理喻的举动，其实都应该被体谅。
话说回来，有那么一点为哪一位男人感到无助。少了足够的教育，就少了理解能力，无论医生今天多么努力的解释，我想还是无法让他完全明白，完全放心。为人父母，甚艰难

何苦？

2010-11-15T20:48:00.002+08:00

有个朋友和我分享了自己的一个小故事。他的一个女性朋友有一天晚上突然找他哭诉，说远在地球另一端的男朋友因为在外地出现另一个人突然在这段感情里显得摇摆不定，说出一些意思模棱两可的话。不但如此，男友还和另一个她渐行渐近，和她却愈发疏离。
身在外地只是几个月的事情，男友回来了。表面上什么都没有发生，这女生却选择放弃了这段爱情。原因很简单，信任的基础上出现了裂痕，石灰不能修补的裂痕。爬得越高，只会跌得越重，还不如快刀斩乱麻。
我这一个朋友，听完了这一个故事，然后就被女孩抛了一个问题过来，“为什么？”
自己其实也发生了类似的状况，我这一个朋友于是语重深长的分享了他自己的故事。出乎意料的结果是，女孩的心情竟然被他安抚了下来。一个自己曾经徘徊在两个女人之间的男人，竟然可以安抚女方的受害者。
说出来，许多女生或许都会不以为然。发生这种事情，我朋友的解说是，不要把男方当成花心大萝卜，转个角度想，是感情的考验。他人又怎么知道男的不再苦苦挣扎？倘若感情没有问题，其他人又怎么会这么容易闯进来？
分手了，被甩的一个通常都会喊冤，猛烈的追问上天，为什么？给我理由！？
难过的情绪，无可避免；但执迷不悔，就是一万个不应该。天底下有什么事情，比自己掘下陷阱，自己跳下去，不愿意爬起来更荒谬？真的那么痛吗？还是，只不过是咽不下那一口气？爱，是无私的；但是爱情，却是全天下最自私的东西。父母爱孩子，可以无私的付出；两个人的爱情，却狭隘的容不下一只蚂蚁。本来就没有理由，为了毫无意义的一口气，浪费了自己宝贵的时间和精力，何苦？

青春

2010-10-21T20:45:00.002+08:00

五‘六年前，身边的人开始懂得问，什么是青春？当年的自己给了什么答案早已忘得一干二净；五‘六年后的今天，同样的问题再次出现，这一次，想多了，答案似乎也多了一点层次
如果硬要说五‘六年前的答案，我会说，青春就是“根本不必理会青春是什么”。可不是吗？当年的我们，又何曾认真地去思考什么是青春？青春是那么理所当然的东西，它所带来的意义，自娘胎出来一直在身边，取之不尽，用之不竭，何需追问意义？青春就是自己，自己就是青春，不就好像是质疑空气的存在一样愚蠢？
五‘六年后的今天，突然有人开始讨论这个话题。印象很深刻的一些话，诸如“青春，就应该什么都尝试”此类。于是，我看见了身边的人，怀着当年的豪气，仗着仍握在手里的青春，在开玩笑，开健康的玩笑，开时间的玩笑，甚至乎，开身体的玩笑。
我有那么一点的讶异，原来对许多人来说，青春的火花，无论燃烧得多么灿烂，最终只会耗尽自己的本钱。花花世界何其精彩，五光十色的城市，昼夜不分的生活，半醉半醒的灵魂。成年了，合法了，无止无尽的感官享受，即使代价可以是隔天早上半裸的身躯，酒醒后头疼的似要裂开，这一刻，似乎很多人还是趋之若鹜。
青春，在这一刻，若硬要我说，应该是，有着无限的可能，无限的机缘，无限的梦想，但，话说到最后，倘若没有好好珍惜，没有妥善经营，没有负上应有的责任，随波逐流，青春只会落得无限的可惜，无限的后悔，无限的遗憾，无限的沉沦。。。。

中秋

2010-09-22T21:01:00.002+08:00

中秋佳节人团圆，在这一刻能够和家人团聚的天下人，都是幸福的，或许在这一刻，只要不是孤单的，就是幸福了。
上班近两个月的时间了，之前同事问我，觉得工作如何，和想象中的有差距吗？我说不知道，心中的那一句，其实一样是不知道。除了享乐，自娘胎出来大概没有一件事让我非常有热忱的去做，典型的败家子，这我知道。
还没开工之前，就已经做了不知道多少的心理准备，让自己不至于掉进刚开始工作就怨天尤人的陷阱里。庆幸自己的第一份工作环境算得上是舒服，人事关系良好，这第一步其实踏得轻松。
工作场所就是锻炼自己的战场，虽然并非置身于商界或金融界，相信每一份工作，都是一种给自己的磨练。只是不知为何，这一个星期的心情异常糟糕，或许是一开始的冲劲减退了，小事如地铁的人潮拥挤竟也能让自己烦躁不已，更勿论工作上的琐碎烦恼。我实在不明就已，连朋友失约也激起心中的怒火，虽极力压抑，却始终难受。
过了这许久，始终有身不由己的感觉，自己从来就不曾出现在任何人的眼里，那怕只是一刹那的耀眼也没有，也就习惯多年来的孑然一身，做决定从来依自己的喜好，从来就不需要管他人怎么想，因为也从来不会有人管我怎么做，怎么想。怎么也没有想过有一天的自己，每走一步，每做一个决定，都捆手绑脚，不由自主。心中想要做的，想要说的，无能为力，一声长叹之余，只希望天涯海角，有个了解自己此刻心情的人。

dream on

2010-08-12T22:00:00.002+08:00

you can tell it's flu season again when you hear people around you start coughing and sneezing, exactly what's happening around me right now
office hasn't been full for a single day since i first joined in, there'll be at least one person on medical leave everyday, and more than one person at home has fallen sick, and i practically interact with them day and night....LOL
so i was going down to pharmacy with carly to buy more flu medicine when i heard a female voice singing "sorry seems to be the hardest word". You can easily tell the singing was not the type that people would stop and enjoy the full entire performance. I'm quite sensitive to music, hence was feeling a little annoyed listening to that. She's blind, sitting along the street alone, no fan, no air cond, wonder how's she gonna solve the toilet problem, and, on one hand she was holding the microphone, the other was touching some encryption on a paper, apparently those which help them to read
not until moments ago that i felt ashamed to have that thought of feeling annoyed by the singing from the blind lady
i believe she's from some kinda organization that helps them to at least earn a living as i've seen people sending them to streets, helping them to set up and let them perform....
and yet they can survive in this tough environment....
i thought of a lot among us, the new generation, who have good results, degree from prestigious degree, financial support from parents till the day we start work, how often do you hear "i hate going to work everyday!", "i hate what i'm doing now!", "it kills me to go to repeat the same thing everyday!", "i can't wait to escape from hell!" "this is not what i wanna do" and this list goes on...
by saying that i'm not trying to show myself a saint, i do have complaints, both silent and voiced....
it's true that we have the qualification to dream big, to imagine doing incredible and extraordinary stuff one day, but dreaming of flying without wings and refusing to endure the pain during initial stages is not gonna bring us anywhere

坚持

2010-07-31T21:11:00.003+08:00

最后一天的时间，整整三个月的长假终告结束，之前一直渴望的工作，要到了。
踏入社会，工作赚钱，算是长大成人的感觉？从此没有了长长的假期，没有了睡到自然醒的奢侈，没有了爱理不理的态度，没有了喜欢不出现就不出现的态度，没有了只向自己交代的权利，开始每天清晨起床，每天挤上地铁，每天面对工作压力，或许更多，相信工作开始的时候就知道更多。害怕紧张，多少都有吧，害怕早上起不了床，害怕挤不上地铁，害怕工作迟到，所有的担心，是幼稚吗？是想太多吗？天性使然，我还是不自禁的会担心
时势造英雄，这几年来越来越相信的一句话。环境对一个人的影响实在不能忽视。当然自己的懒散不会因为这个理由而被抹杀掉，但家中自小提供的安稳环境确实让自己少了一些些搏杀的斗志。
话虽如此，近几个月在自己身上看见的变化，思路的转变，习惯看的书籍种类的转变，似乎暗示着，潜意识的自己在为人生另一段路程而改变，而且将会是大幅度的改变。现在需要的，是源源不绝的自我激励，还有“坚持”二字。

幸福，吗？

2010-07-20T11:30:00.000+08:00

什么是幸福？很多年前，身边已经开始有人在讨论这个话题，也开始有人在问我这个问题，什么，是幸福？
若干年前，自己还是个黄毛小子的时候，曾经以为自己离开幸福好远好远。人生没有完美，所有人都知道的事实，所有人都被逼去接受的事实。当年的自己，有很多别人羡慕的东西，有很多别人怎么努力也无法得到的东西。对当时拥有的，我当然为之骄傲，或许上天赐给自己的实在是太多，即便是很多人羡慕，我常常都对上天的安排抱有疑问，既然已经给了我那么多，为什么就是要在没有给我的部分里加上一些缺陷？与生俱来的一些不太好的部分，一直让我耿耿于怀，一直让我有股不忿的感觉深藏在心中。我其实怨恨，也一直深信，缺陷的部分，致使我得不到某一些想要的。潜意识的自己不断强化自己令人羡慕的部分，骄傲变得自负，说穿了不过是自卑。
没有完美算是人生在我身上一次又一次验证的至理名言。我经历了怨恨的那一段日子，上天在最不可以的时刻给了我一直渴望的东西，却在我毫无防范的情况之下夺走了我的骄傲，十年来的骄傲。愤怒的心情还是有的，苦笑的成分却又增加了不少。当时的心情就是很无奈的接受安排，又能如何呢？
几年下来，疲惫的心情渐沉重。我惊慌于这份沉重的降临，不得不怀疑多年来的付出，到底背后的意义在哪里？爱一个字的背后，似乎没有我当初想象的那么简单，感情，原来也不是你给五十分，我给五十分就轻而易举的凑足满分的一件事。
我不知道是不是可以怪罪于第一次面对这种感受，一开始的逃避委实让我好过了一段日子，问题却一直都没有解决。逃避不成，然后就开始加倍付出，一直都不察觉，爱，可以是一种最舒服的堕落，最理所当然的沉沦。
我的心像是被榨干了一样，每一天面对的，除了沉重，还是沉重。感觉就好像把一大袋的石头扛在肩上，心，想要往前走，脚步却只有一天比一天的沉重。我知道不妥，却不知道哪里不妥，也不知道要怎么样去解决。
上天就在我身心倦怠的时候，突然送上了一份神秘礼物。静悄悄的来，却让生命突然重新有了色彩。倦透了的身心，找到了一份靠岸。突然发觉，几年下来，对爱的定义并不完整。我心中当时充满了爱，只知道不停地付出，不停地付出，从来没有问回报。感情虽然不是应该以数学程式计算的东西，倒向一边的天秤，始终不是健康的。上帝的一份神秘礼物，让自己开了另一只心眼。原来即使心中充满了爱，总有干枯的一天，原来不断付出的爱，换来的是加倍的依靠。像是攀爬性植物的根，只会不断缠绕，没有独立的一天。原来即使心中充满着爱，也不足以填满一个感情的黑洞。相反，阳光出现的时候，心中的爱，才得到滋润，心中的渴望，才得到满足，心中的不满，才得到纾解，我想，洋人的一句话，you complete me，是的，大概就是这种感觉，少了一部分，生命怎么看都不完整。
有点无赖的上帝，却在这一份神秘礼物背后系上一条绳索，就在指尖即将触碰礼物之时，把它拉远，像是钓鱼，拉拉扯扯。考研的是，上帝在绳子上打了一个死结。凡人的死结，需要的只是时间。上帝的死结，难道要我用性命去换取解脱？

无可奈何

2010-07-13T23:51:00.004+08:00

那是一场美丽的邂逅，却不是一段美丽的缘分，她与他身处咫尺之间，却被一道无形的墙隔在天涯海角之间。纵使了解对方的心思，却叹奈何。。。。
他是医院研究所首席研究员，收入稳定，生活健康，和女友谈了五年的恋爱，相恋的生活由甜蜜走向危难。他为感情奋斗多年，对女友呵护得无微不至，挡风遮雨成了习惯，换来了反效果。习惯成了自然，潜意识促使女友把之当作理所当然，生性内向，性格被动，此刻更是把他当成避风港，情绪的垃圾桶。他从习以为常变得透不过气，感情，走到了瓶颈。
她是社会新鲜人，刚从知名大学毕业，对未来充满憧憬。刚走过了一段情伤的她，心中对感情短暂性的心淡，并没有另觅对象的打算。她活泼好动，爱交朋友，异性缘绝佳，正享受单身的自由。
一次偶然的工作机会，不经意的交集，划出了毕生难忘的火花。他台上的魅力，谈吐的自信，在她脑中留下不可磨灭的印象。纵使是一面之缘，不知怎的，就是把他记在心中了。
缘分就爱静悄悄的走到门前出现，一点都不让人有丝毫的心理准备。他和她惊觉对方都毕业于同一所大学，都有共同的朋友。一两次的社交会面，两人走到了电话联络，网上聊天的地步。多年的情感负担，他在她身上突然找到了透一口气的感觉。欣赏对方的活泼开朗之余，他找到了失去已久的感觉，就如久旱逢雨露。不经意之间，爱神的魔力早降临两人的身上。
爱神的美意，却遭到了命运之神的恶意阻拦。他和她走得越来越近，和女友渐行渐远，却始终不能就此放下女友。数年来的照顾，让女友在他身上建立了谁也代替不了的依赖。长不大的性格，女友只能在男友身上找到能放肆的天堂。他无论怎么任由心中的魔鬼游说，就是不能放下女友，就是不能看着女友因失去依靠而崩溃，因而放弃自己。
她被蒙在鼓里，却又爱得很深，因而觉得他任意游走在两人之间，享受齐人之福。纵使如此，她说什么也放不下他，再没有看上眼的人，宁可守在他身边，那怕痛苦比快乐多，那怕就只短暂的时刻，她都没有怨言。
时间巨轮除了转动之余，还磨灭了人的意志。她开始质疑自己，质疑他，质疑这一切。她开始接受其他人，心中却清清楚楚，怎么都放不下他。
他看见她和其他人走在一起，还是很尊敬自己的学弟，这一辈子从来没有那么矛盾，心情从来没有那么复杂。他自责，他愤怒，他愧疚，他痛心。他知道，她并不是没了感觉，而是无止尽的等待，无止尽的体谅，需要的，是超越凡人所能拥有的爱。他最痛心疾首的，不是有其他人在她身边，而是双方都有感觉，双方都知道对方有感觉，却始终什么也不能说，什么也不能做。他恨自己，却找不到一个合适的理由恨自己，他骂自己，却完全不知道如何骂起，心中的火烧得快崩溃了，他为了大局，为了身边的两个人，看似什么都没做，其实每一分每一秒都为她们在奋斗。他不在乎其他人怎么看怎么说，只是不能忍受她误会他是个冷血无情的人，是个一脚踏两船的人。想要对她说的话，在他心中挤得无时无刻都得想办法压抑住。他多么想要让她知道，如果可以有选择，他会毫不犹豫地往真正想要的飞奔而去啊！

谈谈情，说说案

2010-07-06T23:40:00.003+08:00

早该贴上的文章，一拖再拖，今天晚上是时候把它完成。
林峰及杨怡的谈情说案，在看了日本原版“伽俐略”后，觉得实在不堪入目。撇开剧情不说，自己倒是蛮喜欢杨怡。对她的第一印象就是相貌带有张可颐的味道，确实当年的张可颐也是自己欣赏的女演员。多年来的努力让她从跑龙套爬到一线，是我欣赏的另一点。他的演技，比起多数的选美花旦有过之而无不及，完全可说是凭实力跃升的典范。今时今日，唯一期待的就是她的一套代表作，就像当年张可颐的程宝珠一样。
说起林峰，除了富家子之外，就只有耍帅二字。找回了十年前的寻秦记，当年的林峰，黄毛小子即生修来的福分，跟着当红的古天乐踏出第一步。十年前后的对照，只能说，人红了，虚荣心只会有增无减，高挺的鼻梁，可别告诉我是第二期发育，更凸显的轮廓，大概是整容医生的杰作，实在是令人大叹失望。
回到谈情说案，除了失败二字，还真想不起有其他形容词。富家子与市井妹的爱情故事本就老掉牙，编剧还以夸张的手法凸显所谓有钱人的势力，幼稚得来难登大雅之堂。就算真要演活有钱人家，功课也请做的充分一点嘛，半咸不淡的英文，稀奇古怪的洋名就想充作上流社会，侮辱观众的智慧。
案情的铺陈无惊喜之处，所谓的科学根据，反映出编剧连业余都不如的水准。物理教授的推理能力比高级警探还要好？还跨越生物，化学，心理等学术界，牵强得很。
无线的粗制滥造，似乎在告诉大家，我没有竞争者，你们的选择只有我，拍的是好片还是烂片，你们还是得看，傲慢得令人看不过眼。

台湾

2010-06-06T23:48:00.002+08:00

不知道其他人有否发觉，人长得越大，越常会有一种，努力回想却没什么概念之前做了什么的感觉。这里说的不是失忆，却是一种概念。就像如果每一天过着一种规律的生活，通常都较能清晰地想起当天和前几天的事情，天气，碰面的人，心情及想法等等。相反的，距离最后一次期末考已经是一个月的事情，一个月来的日子，有一点模糊，好像是昨天的事，却不知道已经陪了家人，去了旅行，然后着急的找工作了。是年长后注意了专注了？还是纯粹生活的忙碌剥夺了我们回忆的权利？
回家乡后的第四天就已出发到首都，翌日瞬即到机场飞赴台湾。在家乡的四天气是来来去去见的都是一样的几个死党，但至少我还是不厌其烦的尽量安排碰面的机会，即便其他人觉得有点无聊，对我来说，旅行回来之后，不知道还能带在家乡多久。
在台湾呆了八天七夜，去了想去和不太想去的地方，也漏掉了想去和不太想去的地方。如果要我来个总结的话，应该会说，台湾是个吃的地方，也是个看山看水的地方，再来，是个看人的地方。先说吃，身边大部分的朋友大概都知道台湾美食，其实也不需要在这里做太详细的诉说。美味规美味，健康还是我很注重的一点。抱歉我还未能尝尽台湾的食物，但就那几天的观察，还是得认同中国人重口味的事实，健康指数还真的有待改进。看山看水可是个很重要的重点，诗情画意的意境我不懂得形容，也没钱买架好的照相机把它拍下来，但是在太鲁阁看见的高山，岩石，悬崖，溪水，一幅一幅仿佛只有在电邮才会看见的照片尽入眼帘，只能说永生难忘。还得对所有保存有功的工人致敬，原因不只是尽责，更是为后世谋福。再说台湾人，我想，有着他们的一份纯朴，就算政治再乱，经济再低迷，生活水平再高，生育率再低，这社会还是可爱的，同时更加深了对祖国的“恨铁不成钢"的一份情感。
从台湾返家后的第五天，打死不愿意的回到岛国，然后就开始了那漫长又富挫折感的求职。。。。。

new

2010-05-09T09:24:00.001+08:00

It’s a quiet night in the big, messy still, cozy yet unfamiliar house during midnight now…..
Have had busy days dealing with agents and landlord for the handover the newly rented unit of ours, even gave up on my first ever interview for it, ok I admit the one that came to me was no way of my first choice, though I’m already kinda feeling desperate of having one
And so here I’ve moved to choa chu kang, a spacious HDB executive apartment, things are still here and there but for me personally, I’m quite settled down, after half a day of cleaning up and unpacking, pretty fast but yeah, when you’re in a tight schedule for a series of commitment, you’ll learn along the way
Checking out from student hostel was nothing happy or sad, except for realization that another year had just passed and we were all reminded by the empty house of what was it like when the few of us first moved in together for our final year, and I’m still quite uncomfortable with the idea that final year, in fact my undergraduate years just passed without my formal approval, and it’s even sadder when you couldn’t find much from there to be significant enough, although in actual fact you might have some. I guess, besides having your negatives faded away, time is also able to sometimes rip away the significance of your positives, how ironic
It is exciting to learn that a new life is coming, but taking the initial steps is always painful….i was somehow feeling restless the few nights before this and a little tensed, reason being is that house has to be cleaned and I need to have my stuff moved before rushing home and a few days later, flying off to Taiwan. A strong nature in me that I tend to panic when things around me get uncertain, even only when they’re all in transition stage, fortunately I’m learning from the past feelings and experiences and hopefully, to utilize the feelings fully for benefit rather than just living with it, god knows how difficult is that
Should be able to have good sleep tonight, after moving in and checking out, and for the sake of time differences between writing this in word file in a internet-less new house and posting up in blogspot later when I have a chance, I shall stop here stating that it’s now 12.24 am, 5th May 2010, good night

毕业

2010-04-30T16:38:00.002+08:00

最后一张考卷叫上之后，嘴角不听话的向上扬，才惊觉原来一直以为没什么大不了的毕业，那一份成就感还是在心中有一定的分量。乘巴士离开校园的时候，从窗外看着校园的一草一木，我竟然有强烈且莫名的感动，不到五分钟的时间，巴士快速驶过这熟悉却即将变得陌生的地方，感触油然而生，有故事的地方，有感情的地方，说什么也有点不舍得。
一整个晚上都精神得很，心里更有形容不了的感觉，怪怪的，完全无法想象。
又放假了，可是，假期完了之后，却再也不需要再回到学校了，再也不需要上课了，再也不需要交作业了，再也不需要考试了，原来，奇怪的感觉，源自于此。
四年的光阴，在完全没有心理准备的情形下，在眼前一晃就过，断没有回头的可能。这才醒觉，毕业两个字，无论看起来是多么的理所当然，当真正出现在眼前，还是生命中的一件大事。
八个学期，八个长假，八个截然不同的心情。第一个长假，完全逃避的心态，恨不得从此与这个地方脱离关系。第二个长假，少了逃避，多了珍惜，三个月过得还真颓废。第三个长假，第一次因为社团舍弃假期，第一次体验宿舍的孤单。第四个长假，挣扎的打工，却不醒觉自己身在福中不知福。第五个长假，躲在实验室里打混，做一些到今天都看不见价值的无聊事。第六个长假，一半的时间陪着家人，令一半的时间尝试在下决心欲苦工向科学研究宣战。第七个长假，宣战失败之余，成了研究的奴隶。最后一个长假，就在眼前。
或许是过去两个月是在太过忙碌，骤然间的终止，人像断了线的风筝，为自由感到兴奋之余，却带有一丝丝的不安，不知道会飘向何处。
生命里没有理所当然，纵使经过了那么多的痛，我感恩于自己今天的成绩，断线后的风筝，着陆之后，将摇身一变，成为尘世间又一个为日子打拼的小点。

it's heavy

2010-04-04T00:40:00.002+08:00

standing in MPSH1 that morning with my poster, i looked out from the window and thought, 4 years ago, i was sitting in this very place, taking qualifying english test, while most of my peers that time was so anxious about it, i was anxious too, for a different reason. I still remember how a lot of them tried very hard to pass it, all i was thinking while answering questions was to hope that it wouldn't rain so that i can go sentosa later in the afternoon for fun.....how playful, and i still haven't changed till today....
and 4 years later, i was standing there defending what i've done for the past one year, looking out of the window again, as i did anxiously 4 years ago, there's no more excitement from sentosa for me to look forward to, what remain in front of me are no longer exciting, it's what you call growing up
i try hard to smile, and to be positive, to relax, to let go, to be distracted, but deep in my heart, late in the night, i can't deny the fact that the overwhelming stress hasn't gone away, i'm still feeling the burden, every night before sleep i just can't help but fighting hard with emotions, i am now....
life can be tough at times, in fact it is getting tough for me now, i'm not really sure if the peak is over, sometimes you don't need to have something physical in front of you to feel the obstacles in your life, and the things that stop you most are not physical
let's just call it another night, let's just say that no matter how happy it seem to be for the whole day, the true emotions just choose to reveal themselves times like now

走了

2010-03-27T00:15:00.002+08:00

“他说，我好担心，有一天我走了，妳怎么办？妳怎么照顾自己？妳为什么就不能让我放心？我在乎妳，我真的很在乎妳，但就因为我很在乎妳，有的时候，我好辛苦。。。”
在躺椅上的她说着，泪流了，坐在侧面的心理医师倾听着，轻轻的问“这么久以来，你就一直让他担心吗？”
她随手擦了擦眼泪，双眼无焦的又说“我太自私了，我其实一直都知道自己依赖着他，一直在让他她宠着自己。我知道他有压力，可我从来就没有认真反省，就只顾着自己的事，一不顺心就向他发牢骚。。。”
医师一边做笔录，一边柔声问“他从来就不曾埋怨？可曾向你投诉？”
“当年的自己根本就看不上他，可是他就是这么一个窝心的人，当他决定要当你最好的朋友，不断地在你身边给予支持，适当的时候出现，然后默默守候在一旁。我就记得，当我发现他成了我生活得一部分时，我其实早已深深地爱上他了。”
“他是那么的千依百顺，恋爱的不久后就知道他是一个绝对可以信任的人。不消几个月，他已经发现我的任性，我的孤僻，我的固执。。。”
“然后呢？”医师问。
“他不像其他的男人，没有被吓跑，反而更加能够了解我。想尽办法的要助我摆脱心魔，甚至不辞劳苦的寻找他人的帮忙，可我从来就是不领情，就是赖着他，就是赖着他，就是赖着。。。。。他。。。。”
“我从来就不曾醒觉，两个人相处的平衡之道，我知道他爱我，他很爱我，不会放手。但却没有醒觉，因为这样，他的人逐渐忧郁，压力与日俱增。”
“然后，悲剧就发生了。”医师轻轻的说。
这时候的她泣不成声，为逝去之人而哭。
医师依着专业手续的记录，为新一系列的心理辅导开了一个新档案。

人生的一站

2010-03-26T23:55:00.003+08:00

晚上约了三五知己用晚，但需要迁就上课时间，约了九点，于是在校园呆了数小时，无聊的几个小时，无聊的对着电脑，即便没有堂皇的理由，也不太想要工作。
到得走向巴士站，出发到约好的地点时，天幕早已拉下，望着灯火四起的校园，感慨顿起啊。。。。
好快的四年，看看校园的四周，大部分都留下了自己的足迹，几乎每一个角落都存在着回忆。从前的从前就幻想着象牙塔的生活该会是多么的美好。现实永远不会完美，但不表示不会美好。曾经在深夜和一大群的朋友漫步校园，无所不聊；曾经为了功课和同学熬了多少个凌晨；曾经因为日子空虚做了多少的无聊事；曾经因为太空闲而过了多少颓废的日子；也曾经因为社团而活跃于校园的许多角落。多少汗，多少泪，无论一开始多么的讨厌，日子还是有功，我想，我还是会怀念这个地方，这一片土地，一份有归属感的土地。
我要毕业了，和家人用比较土的语气说“我要带四方帽了”。从来都没有心理准备的一刻，静悄悄的就来了。有那么一些夜深的时候，还是会有茫然的感觉，日子越近，反而越想起当初刚到步的小伙子。那一天，第一天，永远永远都记得，清清楚楚。
有人说，我觉得现在的自己和大一其实没什么分别，书还是有那么多得念，考试完了还是一样还给教授。那一刻，突然觉得自己的四年没有白费了，至少，父母交的学费没有。心中雪亮，四年后的今天，书读得反而少了，“学习”才增加了。从来不觉得这里的教育系统属于一流，但同样的大环境下，能够从中领悟多少，学习多少，成长多少，多取决于个人造化。月俩越清楚，四年后的今天，增长的，是智慧，是意义，而非书本。
我期待，仅剩的日子里，让我多一点的感慨，多一点的领悟，人生的这一站，太珍贵了。

朋友

2010-03-20T23:24:00.002+08:00

记忆早已模糊，父亲说，小时候异常活跃，话也很多，但叫怕吃苦，总爱找舒服的方法，寻捷径。和弟弟的性格截然不同，较安静，但刻苦耐劳。或许两人的互补不足，自小感情就很好，行动上的好。
小学一直都在母亲的庇护下成长，年幼的自己，其实并没有真正的感受到“老师的儿子”的所谓压力，反而在小学校里锋芒毕露，学校里的大红人一个。当年的感觉早已忘得七七八八，如今回想当年的处境，也不敢断言是运气还是过早的光辉。或许母亲在背后受了一点压力，当年的自己似乎也感受到某一些心胸无比狭隘的人不断的玩针对。当年的自己除了憎恨，还有不惑，不明白所谓的人性。
升上中学，正式离开父母的庇护，心中的小小天地起了惊涛骇浪。文化的转换，现实的打击，其实不过是心中夸大了百倍。但就是内心的挣扎，那成长之前的必经之路，一路走来的我，痛苦也比别人加倍。十三岁，还是一个快乐的年龄，我却连上学者最基本的快乐都找不到。青春期的变化，内心的成长，那一段寻找自己的旅程，我不孝的把父母拖下水，也很没用的让身边的人担心了一年，更该死的花了一大笔不该花的钱。
功课没花太多时间，应该说是完全没花时间。还记得被邀请加入学长团，第一天步入学长室，师兄叫我坐，屁股才刚碰了椅子，师兄的一句“是谁让你坐椅子的？椅子是你做的吗？坐地上！”，让我愤然把学长领带归还纪律主任，从此与“学长”二字划清界限。加入中学的武术团时，早已习武六年，看见那白痴般的所谓“训练”，竟是在烈日下扎马，还愚蠢的在他腿上放了棍子，说是训练马步的平稳。腰不直马不稳的，看了就可笑。就这样的，那一两年的日子，书不念，常翘课，课外活动的时间自己都呆在家里对着电脑。多年后其实开始醒觉，和自己较孤僻的性格实在息息相关。除了小学的知己，到了中六，过了五年的颓废日子，才又感觉到了友谊的温暖。不知道是不是那么多年都没有的经历，中六的一班死党给我的记忆，一辈子都不会忘记。
自己一直都知道，朋友在心中非常非常非常非常非常非常重要。现在想来，和当年那一段颓废的日子脱不了关系。正式交朋友的黄金期，自己却孤独的与书本和电脑度过，或许就因此而形成自己对朋友如此重视的观念。我真的，真的，真的，真的，真的很享受和一群朋友相处的时间。
自己没有恋爱的时候就听说，拍拖了，朋友就少了，一直都不相信。到得今时今日，内心依然挣扎，到底付出多少，才是恋爱里的“应该”？让步，代表体贴，也同时剥削了少许内心发言的权利。对感情的坚持，对感情的投入，就表示把身体的某一部分永远切除？

没那么简单

2010-02-28T23:08:00.003+08:00

自认一双耳朵算是蛮挑剔的，加上完美主义的自己，鲜少遇见能够真正打动心灵的歌曲，献上黄小琥的这首歌，近来非常喜爱的一首歌。一直喜欢有一点年纪的演员和歌手的作品，就是这个原因。没有相当的人生经历，实在不能唱出这首歌的韵味。简单却意义匪浅的歌词，唱出了感情的无奈，荡气回肠啊！
当察觉身边的话题开始转变的时候，就是人生的另一个转折点。找到了工作吗？有面试了吗？尽管身边一直出现，我试着克制自己不去问其他人。实在没什么好比较的事情，有那么一些时候忍不住开口，不过是期待从他人身上找到一丝丝的安全感。然后呢？也开始听见了结婚，成家立业的谈话。完全没有概念的话题，不知道是自己太幸福了，还是太单纯了。突然在想，自己每一步都在回头看，是不是在“珍惜”二字做得不好？总觉得，回头看是人性吧！至少是自己个性的一部分。既然知道未来的日子里，总有一天会缅怀现在过的每一天，自己是否肩负着确保每一天都过得无悔的责任？
给自己在百忙中无法所有事情都兼顾的头头是道的一个，理由也好，借口也罢，如果不能把当下的每一件任务都妥当完成，凭什么资格展望未来？看到这里的朋友，或许可以为自责的心情找到一个歇息的理由，做不好或做不到，不完全应该责怪自己，每个人都只有二十四小时，你有自己的人生，过得了自己，应该开心了。

6 years

2010-02-27T15:11:00.010+08:00

Year 1 CNY Reunion

Year 2 CNY reunion

Year 3 CNY Reunion

Year 4 CNY Reunion

i call that an achievement of life, to be able to have these 8 pics taken across the 4 years of uni. The moment of me having realized the existence this 4 batches of pics was amazing personally. Honestly speaking, i was not so convinced when we first had the idea of having reunion dinner every 3rd of lunar new year. Reality proved me wrong to give up even before it was started. Thought it'd be a good checkpoint to look back and remind these people, hey it's almost 6 years we know each other don't we? they were once my "new" friends, 6 years is a long time man.....

虎年

2010-02-20T21:06:00.004+08:00

虎年犯太岁，还真是搞笑，肖虎的人在虎年不是应该大吉大利吗？当然自己也没什么兴趣认真的打听运程，这种东西就算入耳了不到半个月也会被抛诸脑后，还不如疯狂的吃喝玩乐来得实际。。。
今年的年假感觉特别短，或许因为是最后一个学生年假，恋恋不舍的感觉。每一次回家乡都能够完全放松的原因之一是因为没有了人多且拥挤的感觉，毕竟不是大城市。怡保人是越来越有钱了？车子一年比一年的多，离家不远的old town不知哪来的发财钱突然扩建了两倍，突然的人潮汹涌，而且是每天无止尽的人潮汹涌，搞得每天驾车出门都要意思意思的塞在车上，好像陪你们在里面饮茶。。。。
今年罕有的感觉有点内疚，一个星期里没有抽出太多的时间陪陪家人，反而整日往外跑。想起往后工作的日子已经无法像现在般要见面便见面，心情竟然慌张起来，连日来“辛勤”的和友人见面，差点就“熬”出病来。一如往常的，每次从家乡回到这地狱，心情自然得低沉好一阵子。。。。
最后的两个月，实在很难以单一的心情去面对。太多的工作排山倒海的涌来，基本上还未踏足岛国就已经想逃避了，但称自己为学生的最后两个月，我又岂能让他只是充斥着抱怨？复杂的心情，有待忙碌的日子一一为自己整理清楚。。。
偶然在家里的杂志看见了一篇以“马华精英扬威国际”为题的文章。作者以数据来强调我国人才流失此问题的严重性，三句不离政府偏袒的政策与做法。笔者更以一个中三男生依依不舍的离开家园，踏上巴士前往新加坡念书为例，每夜只能以通电话解思念，道出了多少游子的心声。我无法否认，能够离开家乡，走向世界，确实是成长与大开眼界很重要的一环，但做父母的有那个不想要孩子们常伴左右？做孩子的，又怎么不想侍奉父母至百年终老？几年前认识的一位香港朋友，就曾经和她说，实在很羡慕她，毕业于有名的大学，还可以在不离开家的条件下有很好的事业发展机会。想我国要有这样的条件，目前来说大概还是天方夜谭。身边的人都说，走吧！为更好的将来，离开这里吧！犹记得有另一位朋友说，不是我们不爱国家，而是国家不爱我们。无可厚非的一句话，就像当年祖先因战乱踏足南洋，本以为可以在此落地生根，不想其后代一样为了不稳定的局势而选择逃跑。人往高处，这本来就是一件很自然的事。只是，再往深处想想，身边的人，包括自己，骨子里其实都是爱国的。如今国家群魔乱舞，被少数的极端分子捣乱破坏。除了我们年轻的一代，还能指望谁来搭救国家？我们可以有很堂皇的理由离开国家，却永远不能忘记，国难当前，匹夫有责。

十八到二十三

2010-02-04T00:00:00.002+08:00

十八岁的你，踏入高中的最后阶段。度过了青春期就读男校的五年，难以避免的因为课堂上多了女生而兴奋。糊里糊涂的被推成班代，凭一股天不怕地不怕的信念闯过一个又一个的活动。你也不曾真正的为繁重的功课皱眉头，现在回想，或许不能说懒，毕竟你今日事今日毕的态度从不曾改变，应该就是欠缺了一个明确的目标，又或许是没有太大的冲劲吧。
再怎么贪玩，当所有职务都卸下之后，还是没有偷懒的理由，还是乖乖的和课本及笔记度过了最后的数月。
二十岁的你，现在回想，最决定的那一刻的勇气到底来自于内心的肯定？还是纯粹因为跟风？中立一点的说，是因为跟着朋友去？都有一点吧，现在的你并没有讨厌所选的，证明选的确实是心头好。但这一刻有不止一丝的不确定明天的路，大概说明了当年的思虑少涵盖一环。大一的你，不屑于身边的太多太多，错过了太多太多，没有勇气了太久太久。。。
大二的你，逐渐找回了自己的脚步，聆听心中的声音，把绑起来的双手缓缓释放。。。
二十三的你，踏入实验室接近两年，今天的infusion，似乎起了一个纪念的作用，两年前的今天，我还活跃啊！踏入实验室，感觉关上了一道门，开启了另一扇窗。看见的，接触的，学习的，是那么的广阔，却又那么的狭隘。今天所经历的一切，像是重新掀开过去的一页，熟悉又陌生，原来，这叫人生，不知不觉的，另一个阶段了。。。。

近况

2010-01-28T20:46:00.002+08:00

当mentor轻呼“congrats”之时，我有一丝怀疑他是否带有反讽之意，当mentor高呼“好极！这正是我们要看到的！”欣喜之余，我似乎更感到强烈的松口气的感觉。。。。。
没成绩的研究让人态度散漫，豁出去的想，成功也罢，失败也没什么大不了；突然间有了生机，让人突然有了冲刺的动力；看见应验了假设的成绩，情况骤然有了百八度的转变，动力成了百分百的压力，在有限的时间里，不知道是否有能力把那一点点的眉目延伸成能登大堂的研究作品。。。
松口气的感觉比欢愉还要强烈，有那么一点的怀疑，怎么自己像泄了气的气球，飘不起，也推不动。。。。
有个朋友说，把眼界放开去，需要的只是一点的信心。从前天不怕地不怕的自信心，收起来了？还是早已经无所踪影了？紧抱着的双手，那么多年了，是否也该释放出来，再度展翅高飞？
许多人都说，趁年轻，把握时机，做想要做的事情。我看来，不过就是旅行，游山玩水。。。。这或许是寻找自己的一部分，某种程度上，得视家庭环境而做判断。从小对物质的不珍惜而遭父母斥责，从小就培养对钱财的观念，财富得来不易，奢侈是多么的容易，只要把责任二字抛诸脑外就行了。父母年轻时勒紧裤头，二十年后的今天才刚享受人生，倘若只会伸手要，是天大的不孝。量力而为，知足同时奋发向上。没错，人得往高处望，宇宙无止无尽，若不懂得适时享受“人中人”的道理，到那一天也不会快乐。

2010

2010-01-08T23:22:00.005+08:00

not in the best condition to blog actually, but will just go ahead here...
it's 8th of January 2010, less than 2 years from the end of Mayan calender, but what the hell...
everyone seems to have their blog with a new post at least, to signify a new year to come, and so i try to do the same here
it was great having 2 weeks vacation at home, it's been 2 years since the last time i spent more than 10 days at hometown during December vacation, what's different from 3 years ago is, i realize that i'm getting grateful for parents still being very very healthy, year by year i'm forced to face the truth that, not everyone can have the luxury to live till their 70s and 80s HEALTHILY, and that more and more people around me left either silently without a trace, or suffered major pain for some time, that being said, i thank God again for giving my parents all they need to witness their children growing up, and to treasure what they've paid for with their past 30 years....
lab hasn't been rewarding until tonight, just now in fact, when something yearned for almost half a year finally popped up, a "high chance" from mentor isn't the greatest satisfaction of the day but knowing the fact escaping harsh words from boss is, it's definitely satisfaction anyway, what i'm not too sure though, is the happiness purely joy from science discovery? or just usual job satisfaction...
last semester of attending lectures, it's a MUST to treasure the feeling of going to classes, having lessons from teachers, coz that alone, is already starting to be missing in my life....
and yeah, there're still things that i know it's probably impossible to take place in real life that i wish to witness, or even experience...

one way trip

2009-11-27T00:04:00.003+08:00

The first few times he kept saying we're old, I can't help but having the resistance to the argument. It was only till he clarified that not only physically, but in terms of identity shift, from a student to an adult, that I realized, yeah it's coming so quickly that not only me can sense it now....
It's like realizing that one of my privileges in life is getting stripped off from you soon when the thought first hit me, I was unprepared and, traumatized deep inside my mind.
A one way trip called life, we're all sent to this world with just one ticket, some people choose to abandon it and jump off the road halfway, some people run as quick as they can all the way like there's no tomorrow, few actually remember what they saw yesterday during each and every day of the trip but most of us take things for granted without questioning the meanings behind
I don't wanna do the questioning now, not in the mood yet but, holding the ticket with me tightly, having realized that my journey is completed at least 20 percent, at the point of no return, I'm unprepared for I'm just like one of the majority who take things for granted

偶像

2009-11-18T18:55:00.003+08:00

走在商场，偶然看见elva萧亚轩的新专辑，有那么一丝的冲动想要买下来，终究把专辑放下，和自己，和枫镱说，先在网上听听他的新歌，才决定是不是要买。
连自己也很难相信，若干年前，elva是我唯一的所谓的“偶像”。我从不曾是追星一族，自娘胎出来至今从不曾为了任何的艺人做出比买专辑更疯狂的事。唯一一次让我有近距离接触王力宏是被朋友骗去的，在商场里无端端的挤了两小时，还气了大半天，倒是没有因为能亲眼目睹王力宏的风采而兴奋。
elva刚出道的样子到现在都还记得，和现在大概是有着天壤之别。枫镱说他的眼睛很漂亮，我失笑的说他的眼睛大概是他每次化妆的重点，如果看见他原来的样子大概会认不出来。
这么多年来，似乎也盲目的多买了他的专辑，虽然当中有一两张确实不错，整体来说，我似乎更常听其他女歌手的歌。第一眼看见他的当时大概已奠定了他是偶像的地位，可笑的是在后来的日子无论是他的作风，造型，歌路无一不让我讨厌。说真的，第一眼看见的他比起现在一点都不漂亮，但却最想念当时他的样子。
人说台湾女生比较有气质，或许，当他投入演艺圈的那一刻，要为自己的形象开始改变的时候，他早就放弃了最吸引我的那一点。话说回来，形象改变是为了迎合市场，是自己的品味古怪？还是，如今的社会大众根本对外型以外的一切都不感兴趣？悲哀。。。。

辛苦

2009-11-11T18:17:00.002+08:00

好久都没有的感觉，一点把握都没有，完全无法想像会发生什么事，还有不到两个星期的时间，三张试卷等着我。。。
虽然还是较他人懒，几个月来依然花了很多时间在实验室里，一整个学期都没有小考，搞得自己也没有多看笔记一眼，在临考的当儿，还是得为之前一直松懈的日子付出代价，在实验室待更久的时间，承受更大的压力，每一天都感觉累垮了，然后又强迫自己在晚上温习，何来效率？
完全不知道会发生什么事的感觉很骇人，面对四面八方来的压力，向前迈进的脚步显得越来越沉重，有点摇摇欲坠的感觉。。。
为自己加油吧！咬紧牙关撑过去，谁又会知道明天会发生什么事？

世界末日

2009-10-20T20:13:00.004+08:00

开始留意2012这部电影的时候，是在youtube里，觉得名字有点特别，看了预告后，更觉得一发不可收拾，一口气看完了所有的预告片，然后在之后的几天都在网上浏览关于2012的预言，所谓玛雅人的日历，所谓世界的终结，所谓银河以一字形的排开。。。。。
我喜欢看灾难片，但不是完全没有根据，就只为了哗众取宠的灾难片。像是几年前的the day after tomorrow便让我有百看不厌的感觉。超爱里面壮观的场面，那一幕自由女神像没洪水淹掉一半的情景，就算不能完全记住了细节，那一股滂湃的情绪，就是现在也记得很清楚。
2012也一样，一幕洪水把西藏的寺庙淹没的情景，直让我等不及要到电影院观赏。。。。。
我喜欢灾难片的原因大概不是因为自己冷血，但无可否认的有一种痛快的感觉，似乎对全人类漠视大自然的力量而终得到教训所以感到快感，说起来，另一部电影，the day the earth stood still，很多人都没办法欣赏，我却看得津津有味，大概是一样的道理。。。
甚至有时还会那么一瞬间的念头，世界末日，就让它来吧！大家一锅熟！呵，一个即将毕业的大学生，对世界竟有着愤世嫉俗的想法，哪怕只是那么短暂的念头，这背后是什么原因？是大学生本身的问题？还是反映着社会潜在的问题？
说起天灾，盼望最近接二连三的地震与台风并不是真的什么预告，生活忙碌的关系，对最近发生的事并没有太大的感触。
还是五年前的南亚大海啸比较有深刻的印象，还记得当年官方的悼念夜，自己傻傻的站在回教堂，默默地站了两分钟。。。。
感恩吧！大概是人类其中一种很难才有的情绪。一只知道自己并不是身边人最珍惜的一个，多年前曾经为此而执着，多年后的今天选择不去想，暗地里清楚知道，自己依然在意得很。。。。
很容易因为小事而觉得自己很幸福，然后感恩，但也很容易因为生命里一些，一直解不开的心结而在意。。。

drowned

2009-09-27T21:00:00.002+08:00

a night of which i don't feel like doing anything constructive, it's a Sunday night, the night before second half of my second last semester in NUS kick start....
it's absolutely precious tonight, for unknown reasons i just don't feel that i wanna work....ok no one wanna work at night, especially on Sunday nights, but what i feel right now, is so strong that i have enough courage to just stop whatever i'm doing, and yet the guilty of not working doesn't overwhelm me....
time flies, the moment i reached hometown about a week ago, the thought of another 3 months passed troubled for quite a while i have to say....6 weeks of holiday spent in lab, enjoyed good times with freshmen as well as had some adaptation problem moving to a new environment, another 6 weeks spent in lab, puzzled over what's taught in lecture, and getting stressed out because of ever accumulating assignments and journal papers.....
had very intense feeling of not having enough time at home this time, four days for me to meet up with friends, to enjoy some quality time with family, to drive around hometown (i just enjoy doing it every time i go home), and to also have some time for assignments....
and the four days just passed.... with mum away to visit uncle at Johor for two days, with dad asking me to travel to Cameron just for dinner with family, and well, with a very enjoyable driving trip for freshwater fishes and shrimps, with a karaoke session at a not so right timing (sore throat), and that's about all for the four days.....
i guess it's just the style of nus to give you different kinds of challenges in time management, i was, and i still am so overwhelmed with the due dates of assignments in this coming month, and lab too, is getting really intense....
don't really plan to reorganize this fragmented collections of thoughts here, am still drowned emotionally, just let it be.....

year 4

2009-08-22T20:57:00.002+08:00

i told myself i wanna blog tonight, i wanna blog tonight....
there are so many things i wish to update here, and for weeks, even months, i just couldn't find the motivation to get things written here and posted, will just go for lame games if given any free time to kill, i'm not sure if it's the hectic schedule to blame for being so lazy to just produce a blog post here, which was done so effortless once...
first off, 3 modules for the second last semester in NUS for me, system neurobiology, advanced immunology and Toxicology. Yeah they sound awesome, which makes their workloads all the more horrible....
it's just....sad but nothing can be done to tell that, among the three, only one of them was part of my initial plan for the current semester. thanks to the beautiful arrangement of whoever for the life sciences year 4 modules timetable, i'll have to take 3 final papers all on the same day. I guess that, if achieved, is probably something worth feeling proud of despite the discouraging nature of NUS. I'm not the kind who would work to impress others so forget about it and yeah, ended up with what i have now...
final year project, for those who'd still like to ask me what's mine about, i'm working on a protein called BNIP-H, happens to be a member of protein family called BNIP-2, which bears a domain for the binding of regulatory proteins of G-protein, and my main goal of the project is to characterize the lipid binding profile of BNIP-H, well for non life sciences or biology student, sorry but this is probably one of the simplest introduction....
moving to yoHA for almost 2 months, and i'm happy to say that things are slowly falling into place. As i've anticipated even before moving in, the short walk from the door to bus stop is indeed much less stress-inducing compared to staying in campus. I hear karaoke singing, laughter and chattering, sounds from tv and etc whenever i go out or come back from school.In a certain extent, all of these serve as a invisible wall, separating me from the headache-causing issues at school after reaching "home". Of course, complaints tend to be associated with satisfaction, at least that's the case for me. Staying off campus makes gathering with friends no longer something to be taken for granted, a luxury instead it becomes, something i know i need a lot of effort to get used to.
Another UFO4 has passed, with little anticipation this year, i give credits to the helpers as well as the freshmen for giving a lot of surprises to me this year. Despite being reminded that i'm RELATIVELY old, i'm more than happy to spend, though little but quality time with some of them. They made me feeling upset occasionally, not for the wrong reason, but just, reminded me of the good old days, and the emotional struggle....how i wish i could just go back to year 1....
that's all for the update i guess, at least for tonight....

my mind

2009-07-12T11:37:00.002+08:00

I've come back to NUS for more than 3 weeks, almost a month, and things have not been quite ok....
it's quite normal for people to relate that to things like, not enough money to spend, no place to stay, or having some interpersonal relationship problems, or even work problems....i can't say that i have no problem at all for all those, but those are not the major ones, but people might ask then, what else?
i didn't expect that after 3 years in NUS, it's only my final year that i've suddenly made a trip to the counseling center....
i've been having some problems ever since i come back from hometown, problems that i, for so many years in my life, have realized the existence, their persistence in my life but have not been strong enough to overcome, or rather, still do not understand them fully...
i dare not say that no one actually understand my problems, but trust me, when i wanted to tell somebody about it, it's either me having difficulties making them into understandable words or the person just don't get it....
ok, i don't wanna make it sounds like it's so serious that i've got to be admitted into a mental health hospital, but being troubled with it for so many years, and knowing that it's mainly of internal causes, i have to say that it's indeed torturing at times, particularly, not many people actually experience or understand it, i mean, after all, how many people around you have a mind that has gone haywire?
chatting with the counselor the other day for less than half an hour did nothing particularly beneficial other than reminding me the fact that all of the problems, come from my mind, yes, my mind created them....
let your mind be your best friend, but not your worst enemy, to quote the counselor.
so happen carly and i was watching a hong kong drama about psychiatrists and people who are mentally-ill, "a great way to care", i can't help having such complicated yet overwhelming feelings about the strength of a person's mind...
i did not attend any of the commencement ceremony so far but merely share the joy via looking at pictures in facebook, it certainly is a great milestone in life for everyone, and every time i think of it, can't help thinking back my life....
and suddenly i realize, because of my mind, or mainly because of it, i've missed so many things in life, i've screwed up so many things in life..
now, looking back too frequent in life alone, is already a problem about my mind, is already something that will hold me back, not counting other factors that worsen it.....
i hate the feeling of being stucked in the middle, i certainly hope that after failing so many times in my past 20 years, i can go all out to achieve something, anything in coming years of my life
i know i'm held back to a great extent, i hate it, i hate myself sometimes, i scold myself because of it....
not long before coming to NUS, 3 years ago, when i sent my car for some servicing and i happened to bump into a classmate who's working there, i learnt a great lesson of life...
let's just hope these 3 miserable weeks will become another "classmate" of mine to teach me another lesson, one that will transcend my life to a higher platform...

父亲节

2009-06-21T23:16:00.001+08:00

这一天，是父亲节。。。。
是朋友提醒了自己，今天是个普天下颂赞父爱伟大的日子。怔了怔，独自沉默了好久，最终拨了个电话回家，说了句“happy father's day”。
其他人看了这一些，或许都觉得不算什么，但是对我来说，算是一份努力，一份心意。生于小康之家的我，父母并没有提供豪华奢侈的生活，但是却让我们三兄妹有个温暖健康且无忧的成长环境。逐渐懂事之后，才发现其实能有今日的安定，当年的父母其实都熬了一段日子，省吃俭用的，才在最近这几年在经济上有了稳定的趋势。
还是传统的亚洲华人吧，我家在生日，双亲节等节日时候，如往常日子一样，并不像其他家庭来个小小的庆祝。长大了，本来并不觉得有何不妥的状况，忽然想来，从前只因环境迫使，父母都避开了不必要的铺张，让我们觉得他们其实并没有当成一回事。
可是想起他们的含辛茹苦，只觉得自己这几年来的漠视实在有愧天地，加上在不久的将来即毕业的自己，更是有一种恨不得开始每个月寄钱回家的感觉。
而这一晚，短短的一句祝贺，我听见父亲的喜悦，也听见自己心里的感动。最近因为“居无定所”，搞得心情一团糟，还是长着他们的鼓励，才又自我整理一番，迎接充满挑战的明天。假期放久了，我还是难免软了下来。
“父亲节快乐”

Sportsmanship?

2009-05-17T00:15:00.002+08:00

It's Sudirman Cup 2009 that kept me sticking my butt on the sofa for long hours these few days, grand finale scheduled tomorrow will put an end to it...
it was, however, the match between lee chong wei and lin dan during the semi final today that caught most of my attention throughout the marathon of watching tv..
being ranked world no. 1 and 2, both of them, in my opinion are undoubtedly the best two badminton single players for now. Like everything else, people like to argue about who's the better one between the two. Being a Malaysian, I always favour lee chong wei more than lin dan.
But there's more to that than just supporting fellow Malaysians. I have to agree with some people that, in a certain extent, lin dan is indeed a stronger player. Obviously this can be proved by records of their matches and the world ranking they've had along the way. But that doesn't mean all. After all, lee chong wei, though wasn't able to attract my attention at the beginning, has proven himself an extremely talented badminton player. I'm not the only one who'd agree with the face that, when he's in a good form, lee chong wei possess what it needs to take down lin dan, even though lin dan is a stronger player overall. To me, each and every match between them is not only a competition of skills and stamina, but also about strategy, mental control of nervousness and a lot more, pretty much like a war...
I didn't actually hope lee chong wei would win the match as to me, lin dan can only be taken down by lee at occasions where lee is in a very good form....
Nonetheless, I expected a very good fight from lee. Well it ended up that lee did put up a good show, at least to me, despite some unforgivable mistakes he made. Lin dan had the victory, giving 1 of the points for team of China to proceed to the final match with Korea.
I had a quick glimpse in the internet on the articles about the match, and was so sad to realize the arrogance of some people out there of having the so-called "super dan". Some people just don't understand something as simple as the fact that there's no need to put the whole world at a lower position just to show that you're good. While the rumour of badminton being eliminated in the list of olympic games emerges, team of China shouted loudly they'll "die" for the champion of Sudirman Cup. While supporting the team or the players i like, i remind myself to not forget the spirit of sportsmanship, that all players on court are giving their very best. They put up good performances and celebrate the spirit of sportsmanship. While their skills might be the reason they're categorized, their spirit of sportsmanship should not be differentiated into classes and but should be respected. Something for some coaches and reporters to think about.

i work very hard to....

2009-04-09T00:34:00.003+08:00

i hate to be grey here, i don't like people who read my blog to be scared away, but i'm just grey, and i can't think of anywhere else to go when i'm grey...
i'm pretty simple, you can call me selfish, and i'll just tell you i'm very simple, like my friend always say "semua happy", that's what i want, i always like to join the fun, i always like to see, to hear a lot of people laughing, joking....
not many people understand, i know that, it's not easy to understand, especially i don't take the effort to explain one by one, yeah, i'm lazy, it's my fault that other people don't understand, not a single one....
i'm being too kind? maybe i am, because i care, but no one seems to care...
i'm hungry, i'm tired, i miss home, it's funny for a guy to miss home, but i do miss home, i feel like crying, it's funny for a guy to feel like crying, but i do feel like crying....
it's even funnier when you smile while your tears drop, i thought i'll only see this in movies....
i really hope to make a difference, i really hope to, i really work very hard to, really work very hard to, work very hard to, very hard to.....
people just blame you for staying alone, but no one take the effort to understand, to help, all they know is just to assume, they think they know....
let's jump out of the window, yeah that's funny....

panic

2009-04-03T10:08:00.003+08:00

haven't been sleeping well lately, not really insomnia, but just, not having quality sleep, usually troubled with horrible nightmares, have this whenever i'm troubled with something during daytime....
yeah you can probably guess it's accommodation, not having a room when i come back after vacation 2 months later just give me some uneasy feelings, in fact, i didn't realize the impact was so great just when i received the email, basically lost motivation for all other things.....
i was unprepared for the situation, and i panicked, kept asking myself what to do what to do what to do....
was again parents who comforted me again, or rather reassured me that there'll be no problem supporting me no matter what kinda decisions i'll make...
despite the fact that accommodation is an uncertain issue in times to come, i'm still having few assignments on hand, and yeah, my UROPs presentation, which i have no idea at all how's it gonna be, who's my examiner etc.....this is scary, 6 of us in dept. of physio are gonna present together in different slots? please don't tell me all the examiners will be there watching us, oh god, i hope my boss will remember to read that mail and manage to do something about it?
and probably some people wanna kill me for ending final early this semester, not knowing that my schedule is as packed as hell, 4 papers in 5 days and virtually all memorizing modules?you have no idea man.....

国宝

2009-03-30T09:47:00.003+08:00

在msn与一名相识多年，小学同学聊天，他感慨，来了岛国工作快一年，始终没有和我碰上一面。。。
虽然有着堂皇的理由，也并不觉得自己刻意的避开与他见面的机会，但就是有那一丝丝的愧疚，从他的口气，我想他也有那么一点的失望吧。。。
我从不敢说自己对朋友的态度是多么的标准，但至少对得起良心，这是我从懂事以来，罕有但非常骄傲的事。人与人的相处，本来就不需要太多的做作吧，倘若你是对我有所不满的，我也并不稀罕你需要强挤着笑容来对我，只会带来反效果，令人作呕
换了新的环境快三年，照理说也应该在这里有了一定的圈子。我也曾经以为是那么一回事，却不知道，也很怀疑，是他乡的风土人情吗？我怎么就觉得身边的朋友，亲切之情一点也没有，让人不寒而栗的倒是数之不尽。。。。
我常说，哪一些能人所不能的，为什么不到娱乐圈发展啊？瞬间变脸的本事，似乎要把国宝的地位从中国移到这里来了。。。
我其实也不应该太在意，再怎么说，“反转猪肚不认人”的人，实在不值哪一点点儿的留恋，我却只是看不顺眼，这世界正义难存，妖孽却当道。。。。

funny youngsters

2009-03-28T22:57:00.003+08:00

watched a dance performance by NUS students in UCC
i'm not an artistic person, at least i don't think i'm, and that's why some of the items of the show were boring to me, yes the theater is small, and i didn't find it too comfortable sitting after some time, and so the less interesting items sorta half-hypnotized me, but then i must say, i wasn't entirely out of the show, i mean, even though i don't really understand what some of them were about, those erm.....artistic dances, but with sorrow music, together with the artistic moves, i actually felt my emotions got influenced. I suppose those item were trying to show some feelings of despair or frustration, and i did, at some moments, get a little depressed and moody watching those items, i guess after all, music and body language is universal
and just one funny thing that i find myself truly difficult to understand is that, why must the supporters keep their "go XX!" "go XXX!" "go XXXX!" NON STOP throughout the show? ok it's a show by halls of residences, and we all know how spirited they are and why exactly would NUS students, for very few times in their lives be punctual for something, but if their motives are really to support, it makes even no sense to me letting their friends' names out of their mouths with maximum volume
why? to me, what performers want to do on stage are to create "moments", "moments" when the audiences do nothing else, think nothing else, watch nothing else, hear nothing else, feel nothing else but them, their performances. that "moments" could be just a few seconds, maybe even 1, but enough to last for a very very very long time on people's mind if they truly are great
having said that, aren't those funny "go XXXXX!" just like ringtones of handphones in the midst of a movie in the cinema?
unless, of course, that what they want on stage, is not to give the audiences some "moments", but just to enjoy "their moments". Why bother to have it open to public then? funny youngsters nowadays...

different generation

2009-03-19T19:22:00.003+08:00

Though speculations are all around, and the family is fighting for a thorough investigation, the version widely announced by the media to the public is that, the Indonesian 4th year undergraduate in NTU stabbed, slitted and jumped. No conclusion is made on the motive so far but again from the media, it's believed to be due to academic stress. Jusk a week later, a lab officer from the same laboratory, hung himself, with only 5 days being appointed the position.
Few weeks ago i read something interesting in a friend's blog. She was on a bus and kinda heard the conversation between the bus driver and a cleaner working on campus of NUS. The lady, working as a cleaner in NUS, is Johor-ian, who travels back and forth between Johor and Singapore everyday to work, earning less then 1K per month. The driver, a Singaporean, sounds better with 4 digits income. He has a family to feed and a HDB flat to pay, and he works 10 hours a day.
and just today i read another article found in the NUSSU's publication about, again cleaners in NUS. The author describes them as the "unsung heroes", meaning people who contribute a lot, but are unnoticed and unrecognized.
Sometimes when i carry the tray with dishes to the collection point after lunch or dinner at the faculty canteen and look at the cleaners, i tend to imagine if i were one of them, working as a cleaner everyday. I guess, everytime i imagine that, not only me but everyone at the canteen having their meals will feel the same. It's unbearable. All of us, will not choose that in our lives.
Then i thought again, having the capability to choose in that situation, is more than a luxury to them, the cleaners. To put it simple, they don't get to choose. It's very true that without them, NUS, with the massive amount of people utilizing the facilities everyday, would become very much like a public toilet in m'sia. They contribute, no doubt of that, but people like me, or like us, would just not go for it.
What actually differentiate people like us and them such that, a deliberate "NO" to us is a desperate "YES" to some of the extreme cases among them?I couldn't think of anything other than two simple, but pretty much neglected little things, a probably higher range of IQ, and luck.
i remember i asked a funny question to feng ee that i wonder, 20 years later perhaps, will i, as a father, told my son that "you're lucky to be born much later than me, during my time there weren't this there weren't that....", as what my father always tell me....well it'd be interesting if i really get to say that some time in the future, i can't imagine what the world will transform into 20 years later that makes me say that to the next generation...
many might argue that, it's pointless to compare with people of the past generation....well i can't stop them from complaining forever that their lives ain't good enough without this and that, and at the same time i can't deny that the fact that, different generation or not, we're all not so different actually, other than we're luckier....
ok i'm stressed, and i'm writing rubbish to de-stress.....

i hope

2009-03-11T01:03:00.006+08:00

a sleepless night, after so long, here i am having another sleepless night
lied on the bed for an hour, couldn't stop thinking and thinking and thinking but just, couldn't start to fall asleep
how many sleepless nights i've had in NUS so far?probably not many, i could still recall those few, mostly because of academic stress i must say, tonight though, is a little different
yeah i'm still troubled with stupid report and assignments and tests, but beyond those, a lot more things in my life popped up during the last hour, and well, they reminded me that, i have a life!i have a life which is not just about report, assignments and tests
i thought about my family, my dad who's already retired, i hope he'll enjoy his life very much from this moment till the day he smiles and closes his eyes, my mum who's got 8 more years of teaching, i hope she'll learn to relax and enjoy her life more and take a slower pace in life, i hope soon, very soon i can have the ability to tell them that, together with my brother and sister, they can live their lives without anymore worries
i thought about my 1 year younger brother, i hope he'll be successful in going after the girl he likes as he told me, i hope he'll find his meaning and target of life one day, i hope he'll one day learn that, live life once and live for himself
i thought about my 3 years younger sister, i hope she will treasure everything in her relationship with the bf, i hope she'll find her current course of study non-regretting, i hope she'll quarell less with me, and learn the fact that after all, we're not so different
i thought of my loved one, i thought of how she used to be so much of a distance from me, i thought of how i acted like an idiot in front of everyone else just to make her notice me, i thought of how i stayed up during the midnight just because i haven't said good night to her in msn, i thought of the sweetness throughout the times we spent, i thought of the fights, disagreements, disappointments that almost tore us apart so many times, i thought of how she offers her silent support, i thought of how i offer my endless councellings, i hope, and i alway hope, that she can be a happier, much happier person, i hope that she'll also realize that, she has the right to reject, or even make disappear, all the unwanted in her life, i hope she realizes that, there are always so many people who love her
i thought about my friends, i thought of him who's soon graduating from UM, i hope, this time for myself, that i will never forget what he has done for me during my disastrous year of life, i enjoy being with him and having reminded of all the years when we were so naive, so innocent yet so sincere, so genuine and so happy, i hope that even after 10 years, 20 years, everytime i meet him again, we'll both be reminded of the years we spent together, when our heart remained uncontaminated
i thought of him who's studying in the same university with me, i thought of how rare we contacted each other, i thought of how he always describe me as a friend who think for others first, i thought of how he offered himself for support when i was rejected by a girl for the first time, i hope he won't blame me for not spending more time with him, given the fact that we're so close together even now, i hope he won't blame me that i don't think of him so often now simply because i've got so many things to handle that i hardly think of even myself, i hope my image of always think for others first in his mind will stay permanent, at least until the time when, i'm going to prove him again he's right
i thought of him who's working but enjoying the same time far at the other corner of the globe, i thought of how we share our dreams all along the years, i thought of how we dislike and then embrace each others' dark spots, i thought of how he witnesses my maturation, and how i witness his maturation, i hope, in fact i'm sure he will find his year spent in a white people's country worth for a life time, i hope, since he's already sure of what he wants for life, that he will eventually, reach up there, and look back at me, still sharing that with me
i thought of a whole gang of mine, all of them taken their own journey, i thought of how some of them showed me the face of looking at strangers when they saw me again after some time before we all embarked on our journey, i thought of how some of them still try their best to hold on, and will continue to hold on to what all of us possess, i hope for successes in their lives, i hope those who hold on will continue to hold tight, those who chose to let go, will change their minds someday

dillemma

2009-01-23T00:04:00.003+08:00

i didn't prepare to blog even until the moment i clicked at "new post", just, i know i have been trying very hard to, but hardly, over the month, i could force myself to even log in to dashboard...
blame my lab, or blame myself maybe, the last or only thing i remember doing was trying hard to work as much as i can to produce at least a piece or two presentable results for the long awaited report, i shouldn't call it long awaited, it's the "best" part of the whole project, and probably the most agonizing part man.....
ok i admit i still don't have results yet, and one and a half more month to submission, great, that's just a perfect reason for me to panic, so yeah, i've started introduction, and just the right moment for me to realize the amount of things that i don't know is astounding, great, and i'm rushing through papers, well to be exact, abstracts to locate information and citation i need for my report, in case you wonder, that's not the end, it's a need for me to read up more on stuff i've been working on, reagents and protocols i've been using, so that i can answer examiners' question during presentation, and yeah, all of those will have to be done within one and a half month, how wonderful is this world....
ok i've been sarcastic enough to just release a little bit of stress.....here comes the updates, taking 3 core modules and 1 unrestricted elective, cardiopulmonary system, neurobiology, infectious disease as well as drugs and society, heavy memory work is expected in cardio and infectious disease, nonetheless medical relevance is what makes me feel modules worth taking, neurobiology is a little bit more interesting, apparrently i take it largely because the co ordinator is my boss, however the degree of self learning the module provokes is somehow comparable to biochemistry during first year to me, interesting module.....well drugs and society is nothing worth mentioning here, it's just another module to fill up the slot for me to graduate
while others are navigating around to look for professor as supervisor of final year project, i was so obsessed with my urops until i dream of it almost every night, most of them nightmares, and i didn't bother much about the question as to whether i should stay in the lab for final year project, for all the while i expected my boss to have no interest in keeping me any longer in the lab after my urops is over, after all, i'm not a top student in class, i'm not a brilliant researcher in the lab, i'm not even a super hardworking labour in his lab....
was more than shocked when he somehow hinted me about one of the 3 positions of final year student in his lab, there're obvious reasons of staying in his lab, grants, popularity, stability, familiarity of the lab environment as well as the project, but there're also reasons why i wouldn't prefer the lab all the while, so it sorta put me into dillemma now that he's made the first move, an unusual but obviously precious move to a nothing special student like me, considering the degree of distance i have compared to him in terms of status....

festive season

2008-12-29T17:43:00.003+08:00

it's festive season, again, merry Christmas, and a happy new year....duh.....
being bothered with lab matters is the main headache for now, i hate to complain about this, i know i screwed the opportunity, i've messed up so much that, for the time left, i have no idea to compensate at all....
i might be a little lazy at times, and you can blame me for that for i will exclude human nature as an excuse, but it's not that i've not tried very hard to do my work, to go on with my project, am i right to really say that i'm bad-lucked with all these?i don't know, for professionals in laboratories, they might just tell me to work harder, deep in the heart teasing me for giving lousy excuses for lousy performances, can't really tell anyone, not to say that there's no one to listen, but maybe there isn't anyone who can really understand the situation, for those who're also working in lab, they might take it as something not trivial, for those who are not but who care for me much, they can only listen, may not be able to understand much, not to say about lending a hand to help.....
it seriously is putting me into a dillemma, my least expectation, in fact might be my only expectation now it seems, to complete my degree, with honours, is at stake somehow.....every failure in lab is shaking my determination to go for final year, and when i do feel such painful experiences in lab, can't help but just question, why continue if you just don't find the meaning working in lab for one more year?what's more? you're going to work even more intensively during final year....
but i know i'll kill myself if i just won't go for final year, yes i will, for all the years of efforts since i started schooling, there's no way for me to end it in a way i feel incomplete, no offense to those who did not choose final year but to me, final year is the proper ending, if not further....
festive seasons don't mean much to me, nothing but holiday, i'm not expressive to parent, neither are they, okay i'm not blaming them for educating me in such a way, but our way of living with each other in the family rather peaceful and quiet, literally.....i love them, meaning of festive seasons is going home during holidays and be sure they're in good health, living happily as always, and spend quality time as what's so called "family reunion"....
i'm blessed to be able to also spend quality time with my loved one this year, short but sweet, i treasure the moments, i appreciate and am deeply touched by the effort.....
other than that, what about friends? i'm not sure if it's valid to claim that after 2 years of being attached, i still remain unchanged in my social life, at least i'm damn sure i make great effort to remain the same for my friends......
the tastes of friends gathering have somehow, changed, bitter or sour? i can't tell exactly, it's neither tasty nor non-edible, more like a...a transition to somewhere unknown...it's a type of feeling, not experimental, can never be determined if it should be attributed to friends or myself.....there're times i felt awkward, even provoked, there're times when i felt warmth, understood, but the combination of feelings has become so strange that i couldn't recognize at times, making me wonder, has there something really happened?
i don't know

平安夜

2008-12-24T20:09:00.002+08:00

连天文学家都一口咬定，因为全球暖化的效应，美国各地的人们应该不会看见白色圣诞，不料奇迹发生了。对于普天同庆的这一个节日，不知是否上天带来的一个好预兆，告诉人类，来年是个好年，少天灾，免人祸，也让千疮百孔的地球得以喘一口气？
说起圣诞节，说它是普天同庆的节日，似乎夸大其词了。对我而言，圣诞节对基督徒而言，委实是一个庆典，但对其他人来说，应该与公共假期无异。严格来说，一个对某个宗教意义非凡的日子被商家大肆炒作，变成了单纯消费且有假浪漫的假期，似乎有点可笑，却也有点可悲。
平安夜的这一晚，自己和朋友用个晚餐，独自回到宿舍里。可真是难得一间的奇景啊！几乎所有的房间都熄了灯，停车场只有“小车两三辆”，走廊也不见人影。回房间的路上，还真怀疑自己会否就是那么寂寞的可怜虫，宿舍只有自己。
平安夜，平安夜，顾名思义，大概就是希望大家都平平安安吧！我想如果这一刻和家人在一起，感受团聚的一刻，或许才是平安夜的意义所在。一整天的绵绵细雨，把气温降得似乎也有一点热带国家版本的白色圣诞，只是也好像浇熄了那么一点的疯狂，路上不见车子，也没听见圣歌在空气里飘扬，只有细雨滴滴答答的韵律，至少，在我眼中，这一个平安夜，固然有点寂寞，但却更显得平安，更显得宁静。

post-exam

2008-12-06T00:29:00.002+08:00

listening to "home" by Michael Buble, and later another "home" by Chris Daughtry, it's obviously because of the title of the songs, who cares about what the lyrics really mean, i just wanna have the feeling, the longing feel of going home....
another 2 hours of lab meeting today, a little unusual this time, other than the usual updates from some of the members, boss had, personally, spoken a lot more....
i guess it's probably because few of the post-doc research fellow came back from overseas with experiences in other lab through short attachment or conferences, boss was analyzing the strengths and weaknesses of the lab, suggesting possible opportunities around, figuring out the potential "threat" posed by other labs......
not forgetting to remember of boss's usual kind of motivation for everyone to work hard, well everyone, except for me, he sorta went through the hierarchy and gave different advices and suggestions from post-doc to post-grad students to RA to honour students, and finally when he reached me, he simply said "wei feng, you're a happy guy, just stay where you are"
while that made a laughter for the whole lab, i'm not so sure if that's what he really meant, or giving a hint that he's somehow disappointed by me....
after second thought the joke from boss sounds perfectly normal, the distance between the head of department of physio and a rookie in lab, not even an honour student is way too much for him to bother much, well at least he's being kind and put everything in a very soft way.....
truth to be told, having 28 members in the lab just makes it looks pretty much like a mini corporate, where there are always external threats or competition and internal conflict of interests, despite its decent contribution to medical sciences, academia is pretty much just like any other industrial sector, perhaps a lot less interesting comparatively.....
anyway, things in lab still ain't going smooth and well for me, my proteins are still playing hide and seek with me, and seems do not have intention to show up anytime.......

Emo

2008-11-24T23:43:00.003+08:00

i seriously didn't realize how good i am nowadays to suppress all the stresses which i've been facing all along, not until something deliberately triggered the release of them.....
alright, i'm not having a exam schedule as tight as others, i'm not having papers as demanding as others, so does that mean i don't deserve to feel stressed?
give me a solid reason for me to continue to be here hanging on like a walking zombie?
i realize it's been a long long long time since i do something i really really really enjoy, i've been masking myself days and nights, i've been showing myself to be too strong to others, the belief that wei feng is a tough guy who can always manage his emotions and feelings pretty well is at least partially incorrect, if not fully...
as i said, now only that i realized i've learnt so well, that i've suppressed them all down unconsciously, all disappointment, all frustration, all sorts of negative feelings, having a fairly good control of emotion or simply high EQ is a must in the modern society, so i learn to SUPPRESS, without my acknowledgement....
i wish, the day will come, when i do not have to be responsible for others, i tend to take others' feelings and put them upon my shoulder, with the sacrifice of my own emotions, my own very needs......
blame my personality, don't tell me there are a lot more unfortunate people out there, i don't care even if there's a rule of not being allowed to stay moody as long as you're not the most unfortunate person on earth......
can i commit suicide?that's gonna hurt a lot of people's feeling, see i'm taking care of other people more than myself again, i hate being rational sometimes, getting more and more times in fact, it's just perfect for some other people to emotionally "bully" me while i stay calm, rationalizing every bits of childishness if i'm gonna get upset by those....
now i see, that's how i suppress everything inside, like what Wall-E does with all the rubbish, but Wall-E does release them out and manipulate them constructively, which makes me wonder, when was the last time i release all of them out and manipulate them constructively?

独立

2008-11-09T01:30:00.004+08:00

是什么时候觉得自己竟然可以一个人的在外头生活？这一种渐进性的改变，身边的人和自己都很难察觉，曾几何时，独立的在外生存，是多么遥不可及的想法，看来我还是半个被父母宠坏的孩子，虽然我只承认是半个，不是一整个。
不知不觉的两年了，第三个年头也在向我招手了。早已跨过成年的合法年龄的自己，心态上并没有觉得自己真得很成熟，也并不觉得自己是个成人。单只说独立在外头生活，其实我真的做到了吗？或许在风平浪静的时候吧！一旦面对生活的起起伏伏，虽不至于哭哭啼啼，或是恨不得飞奔到父母的怀里，但心里依然有一丝依赖的感觉，或许应该说，时不时会想“如果父母在身边，该有多好”。
忘了是哪一门课的教授，曾经说过一句话，他形容我们这一群大学生，除了经济之外，应该是蛮独立的一群成人。或许有一部分的人是吧！但我自己却不太敢承认自己是其中之一。或许对我来说，经济不能够独立，应该没有资格称自己做成年人。
无论如何，相较起从前，我确实独自走过了人生的两年，不是很长的日子，确实不长。回想往事，又怎能不想起曾经一起走过无数风雨的朋友？大家都各自为俗世的琐事奔波，在地球不同的角落寻找那凡尘背后的意义。想到这里，自己又何尝不是如此？佛家说的贪嗔痴，正是世人肚子里的蛔虫，促使我们像陀螺的旋转，道行较高的人转的较高较远，但始终一样的，就是大家都在旋转，到头来，摆脱了贪嗔痴，生命也似乎走到了尽头。
无法不怀念从前的生活，无时无刻都有朋友陪伴的生活，比起这两年来独自走的这一段路，感觉实在有天渊之别。遍布在地球各角落的朋友，不知道会不会在哪一个偷得空闲的晚上，也会想起那一段岁月的酸甜苦辣？也会为在地球另一端的知己默默祝福与支持？生活是苦的，多么乐天的人都不得不承认。感恩，不过是因为有许多比自己更苦的人，但不代表生活不苦。
脑袋随着身心的疲惫开始感觉虚脱，说话似乎没了重点，算了，告一段落吧。

i just need some space and support

2008-10-30T16:41:00.004+08:00

i just need some space and support, and probably some time to listen to me....
there are times when you've just gotta have faith in yourself, even if you don't know how, and you don't know why......
life sucks, but who i can tell this to?everyone is experiencing the same thing, everyone's got immune to this kinda stuff, no one will probably feel that i'm actually really experiencing something bad or can have the empathy for my situation, coz they're having difficulties themselves, so why should i bother telling anyone??
but what other ways do i have to just make myself feel better? as i said, everyone's stressed, i am too, still i've gotta keep everything just to myself, not letting it out, being afraid that it will worsen other people's situation....
i got back to my room everyday, being tired of all i've gotta bear endlessly, all i want is just something relaxing, maybe something lightening, and not too negative....
just hold on, there are people who need your support, and i've gotta do that, i tell myself....
nevermind, have a feeling like i'm talking nonsense over here.....

my nature

2008-10-06T21:13:00.003+08:00

enjoying a cup of tea in a cafe while blogging, although it's only a tiny cafe in hostel, but with its dim lighting, soft musics, the thing that i was trying to do for the past days, is being done now effortlessly--blogging...
being in my own room, the coziest corner i thought it was in NUS, still i couldn't make myself to write just a few lines here, was really upset about that, really, really upset about it.....
i guess there's a reason why sofa is a must to be placed in the living room, what can i say? now that i'm sitting on a sofa, everything become so easy, i mean, when was the last time i felt so relaxed? my sleeping time last night? there's still doubt as to whether i can achieve such tranquility even when i'm sleeping every night.....
well the answer is obvious, even when i'm alone in my room, i'm not entirely relaxed, things in my head just don't wanna let me off for even a few hours, i'm not in any mood to write, not even few sentences, even when my mind is overloaded....
it's just my personality, nothing wrong with the environment, i'm already lucky enough, and everyone is treating me with their full heart, well, maybe not full heart, but at least very kindly....
knowing that there's someone actually facing the same problem as i'm now, even that he's at the other side of earth, does make me feel a little better, temporarily, but that doesn't solve the problem, i'm still feeling bad, i'm still inconfident with everything i'm doing now, i'm still doubting if i have the capability to boost up to the next level after the current one, i'm still questioning, my destiny....
it might be normal, it could be just another transition stage in life, and the list of reasons can just go on, and i know there's nothing much can be done to make me feel better right now, i can't just run away from everything here, i'm just gonna lost more than everything,
well c'mon man, it's just the beginning, you still have plenty of time and chances to switch in the future, well again as i said, it's my nature, who am i to fight with it?

压力啊！！

2008-09-11T00:18:00.003+08:00

听着抒情音乐，随意得写下当下的感觉，原来是当时闲来无事的一种时间上的奢侈。。。。
隔了这么长的时间，大概有那两三年的时间，才又在这一个忙碌了一整天之后，好不容易偷得那一个小时的偷懒时间，突然间想起了陪伴了自己许多年的习惯。
写作本就是一种怡情的东西，莫说怡情，现在的自己，能有个时间喘口气也算不错了，拿来的闲情逸致要写作？
岁月不留人啊！再过几年，或许曾经排肩的兄弟变得陌生如过路人，曾经感情深厚的不像话的老朋友也难以在对方身上找到多聊几句的话题，甚至曾经熟悉的脸孔，变得不再熟悉。。。。
沉重的工作，压得自己透不过气，甚至到了一个连要抱怨的时间都没有，时间被占用到了一种忘记投诉的境界，我该庆幸上帝让我忙得忘记投诉？还是骤然停下脚步，对身边的一切进行最大的控诉？就算上诉成功，又能带来什么样的改变？周遭的一切，只会转得更快，走得越急。
生意人总喜欢货如轮转，自己反倒是觉得压力有点像生意人的货物，越转越快，越转越多。生意人赚得笑不拢嘴，压力把自己逼得不亦乐乎，而自己，只能任人鱼肉，可悲。。。。。

practical

2008-08-22T23:27:00.002+08:00

It's Friday of second week, semester 5 of my years in NUS, should I blame myself for being lazy and just didn't do anything constructive so far?
Adapting into a new environment is never easy for me, despite getting myself to be mentally prepared for it, I still feel that, for a period of time, I'm going to be under great stress
Dad must be feeling very happy when I told him that, I realized the best way is just to get my hands dirty and have some hands on experience, it's also when I told him on the phone about this that I suddenly recalled how often he mentioned this since I was still small. There're just too many things I gave excuses for not doing it all the time, making Dad repeating the piece of advice a lot of time, but seriously it won't go in until i got it felt myself this time
Still there are times when I, even myself don't quite believe I'm doing UROPS. Too many nonsense were made excuses for me to avoid the reality, and I simply bypass the advantages of so many things in life because of being afraid of troubles.
I'm still being protected, I'm still treated very nicely by others in the lab, despite that, I still feel so dumbed in the lab, so what if you score strings of As in all the modules?so what if you can answer every questions of professors brilliantly?as a student, what one does everyday in lecture theatre is not really helping much if, if, sticked to the books forever
Success is probably a mixture of perseverance, patience, commitment, faith, hardwork, passion, and very importantly, luck. I'm still a baby in the arena, if I want to be in this arena.

Fake

2008-08-07T09:20:00.003+08:00

there are people who take you for granted, even if you're as good as a saint, there will always be people like this kind around you......
to be able to mix around well socially is a big issue for youngsters, it's a source of peer pressure, what's more? it somehow symbolizes the popularity of a person, kinda a recognition of success of someone.....
i was once a victim of this problem, i was once a silly person who always do silly things just to attract public attention, and guess what, i was once a person who was disliked by most, i mean MOST of the people around me, including some of my good friends....
i used to hate those fake faces very much, i hated those "2 face" people, they are angels in front of the public, but they are actually worse than evils, if you look deep into their hearts.....
being a true villain, or rather, being an "honest" evil, is a lot better than being a "2 face" you see, i can still recall the times when i was so frustrated with the "fakeness"....
yes i was a true villain, i wan an "honest" villain, and i hated "2 face" people around me, they are worse than me, and yet i'm bearing the critics.....
well i guess every hard time in life comes with a great lesson, i've changed tremendously after that period of time, i've been, since then very very honest to myself, frustration or anger are all over, they're just nothing but self-torturing negative emotions, there's no more hatred for the fakes, but i now look down to them, in some cases, i feel pathetic for them, there'll be a time, when they finally realized the truth, when they finally have to pay great prices for their sins......
as i said, to mix well socially is important, and to do well in that you must somehow know how to fit into the situation, but never lose your true self, and never become a "2 face", you think you're doing great, but the fact is you're getting drained into a trap that you cannot be saved, you think you're being everyone's favourite, think twice before other people take off your mask one by one.....

lab

2008-08-05T20:13:00.006+08:00

some random caps of the lab, first picture was the autopsy room

today should be the fifth day i spent my days in lab, as a preparation for UROPS, it's so far kinda overwhelming, every little things that i'm in contact with are new in my life
"lab is different from textbook, it's technical"
"so is working life"
that's how i answered the post doctoral fellow i'm working for, he seems quite satisfied with the answer, in fact i do have that strong feeling, what i'm doing in lab is like working, totally a new world from textbooks, i guess there's enough of theory and time to make my hands dirty for practicals, the technical stuff.....
anyway, though it's indeed overwhelming for me so far, it's interesting nonetheless

year 3

2008-07-26T21:47:00.002+08:00

if the start of a semester is counted from the day you're settled into your room, today is the first day of my year 3 in NUS.....
i think the one month i spent at home is just too short...erm, i shouldn't say it's too short, but maybe after another month relaxing at home, when i'm back here again, mentally i was unprepared, the place here is so familiar, and yet you just can't believe you've left here for a month, and now you're back here again, arh...i just don't know how to note down the feelings...
tuesday is the day for me to kick start, it's going to be a good start, i keep telling myself, i've gone through enough miserable life here, and what i need desperately now is to utilize every seconds wisely from now on, to pursue what i'm here to pursue, to do what i'm here to do, and most importantly, to make my 4 years here not a regretful one.....
freshmen are very passive this year, very, very sad to say that, and i can sense the emptiness in this very place, not only because some good friends ain't staying here anymore, but also i don't see people around, though probably when semester starts, when there are people everywhere, i'd complain for the congestion again....
anyway, i'm in a new room again, let's just hope this will be a good start for all of us

stressed

2008-07-23T23:05:00.003+08:00

i feel stressed, first time because of my family....
when my dad first told me he's retiring, my first thought was actually concerning his life after retirement, he's not a very socially active person, doesn't have friends around, and his life for all these years, were actually committed fully to work and family, long before this coming day, my mom and i had once discussed on this matter, what's his life going to be after retirement, when half of his time a day suddenly is emptied....
i don't have to be an expert to be able to imagine the situation like, some men, those who are seriously inactive other than his own career, can get into severe depression after retiring....
my dad started working since 11 or 12 years old according to him, that was when he's back from school he would go help in grandpa's farm, until he graduated form college and started his own career, more than 40 years that he's never been "free" literally, he admitted that indeed he's a bit unadapted to the situation, feels a bit blue recently, and even without him saying that, my mum and i can easily feel it, and what a coincidence that my youngest sister just left home for further studies few weeks ago, which means 2 days later when i'll go back to NUS, mum and dad will be alone at home. I'm not worried about them not being able to take care of themselves physically, but just, mum's got 8 years more before taking that big step of life, while my dad is, inevitably taking it in few days time...
he'll help in my aunt's nursery, temporarily, as a driver, he also talked to a few colleagues, hoping to locate probably a job, a less stressful one, of course not so well paid one....
financial wise, he assured me that mum and him have no problem supporting 3 of us till graduation. Of course i do believe in their financial planning very much, but it wasn't difficult for me to sense that, there's still something that they're concern regarding financial stuff, my dad's drug is costing an amount every month, and having family income deducted by half just make them a little insecure, at least for this beginning stage.....
which makes me think of the next thing, i, as the eldest son, will have the responsibility to support the family....mum and dad has never mentioned anything about that, but seeing a sudden change in my family, i feel a huge burden resting on my shoulder suddenly, something that never has crossed my mind, and it's coming very soon.....

路

2008-07-07T23:22:00.000+08:00

最后一次用中文写部落格是什么时候,自己都忘得一干二净了...
诚如一位朋友所说,我不想看见有一天,连自己失去了什么都不知道.写作是自己很喜欢的一样东西,我实在不想看见有一天,自己会沦落到用半咸不淡的中文写作.
好像第一次在这么短的时间送离了那么多的人,有弟妹,也有朋友.开始明白别人所说的,送别的人,比离去的人,一样的难过.我的假期还可以有很长,但是朋友渐渐的都不在身边了.我的意思是,短期内,都不会在身边了.越过海洋,飞到他洲见识,实在是一件不得不承认的好事.我看见身边的朋友一个一个的飞了,为他们感到骄傲之余,突然惊觉,我又慢慢的步向人生的另一个旅程碑.过去的二十年一直沉溺在学生的身份,似乎在不久的将来,甜美的梦就会苏醒.坦白说,我一点心理准备都没有,但是身边的转变,还有看着比自己年轻那么多的学弟学妹,还有摆在眼前要走的路,无论多么的惊慌失措,我还得开始收拾心情,因为这一切,来得比我想象的要快很多,而且还会越来越快.
还是会感到害怕,还是会缺乏安全感,虽然这一切暂时还是看来那么的风平浪静.只因为,这世界变幻无常,朝秦暮楚的,下一刻会发生的事,没有人说得准.
路,长得很,但是好像越来越窄了,容不下第二个人陪我继续走下去.或许这正是我此刻的心情,未来的路,越来越艰难,但是却越来越狭窄.对生命充满热忱的人,我只能感到佩服,我需要的,或许就是那一份热忱,一股冲劲....

farewell

2008-06-30T01:08:00.000+08:00

captured at school

the outgoing batch of 6th form comms...

with beloved teacher advisors

the outgoing and incoming presidents

the organizing chairlady of the farewell gathering

it's really more than just a nice feeling for me, it's more than that.....
it's nothing more than just a visit back to school, to my beloved teachers, more like friends now, little did i expect it to turn out to be a fruitful experience, memories recalling one indeed, and my mind is so occupied even until now....
being the comm. of year 04/05, it's really an honour for me, to be one of the few who had the opportunity to attend the farewell dinner organized exclusively for comm. of year 07/08, more than 3 years younger than us, i'll bet none of the juniors actually recognized who we are.....
i was informed about the successes of the society by the teachers and was really keen to see for myself, so when pn lau mentioned about the farewell, i didn't really think much but straightaway asked if my attendance is allowed, well it ended up i had a great night, bringing me back lots and lots of things in my mind that i once thought it's long lost.....
i seldom have the feeling of envious, being a young person, it's always a nature for me to look forward, but rarely backward, last night was one of the very few events in my life that would make me do so.....
my life has changed tremendously after 6th form, the feelings in my heart, the thinking in my mind were all replaced to survive in new environments since then, i thought the old ones were nowhere to be found anymore, i thought i'd lost the old me, but it's nothing more than just a farewell dinner that located the olds back, somewhere deep in my mind, deep in my heart.....
yes, i envy the young people at the party, i was once like one of them, and i miss being one of them, there were things other than friendship that reminded me feelings buried in my subconscious, living with a close group of friends, i know i can never go back again....
i'm never the same old me, i realize that by being so sober, despite all the feelings popped out all of a sudden in just one night, i was shocked, and yes i was unprepared, yet i remained calm and also with a clear mind, that's what, differentiate the old and the new me now.....
things will never be the same, will never go back to the old days, nonetheless, i feel sincerely grateful for the golden opportunity, it's fated somehow, i know, and i'm thankful for it, really.

i'm home

2008-06-25T23:25:00.000+08:00

this is the third time I’m blogging in the bus while going home and guess what, I’m starting to like it, for no reasons….
I guess it’s not entirely without reasons, there’s no doubt that I’m definitely in a good mood whenever I’m travelling home, unless there’s something unexpected which require me to go back, other than that, going home from time to time somehow symbolizes a transition from a stage of life to another, it may not be a big one, probably from semester 3 to semester 4, things like that, but I’m a person who look back quite often if you wonder, and times like this are pretty handful for me to do some feedback on things that I’d done, words that I’d given to others, etc….
Well at least for this time, there’s some changes before and after I go home from university, when I go back to NUS again, a lot of friends are no longer staying in hostel but rather, outside…well I definitely am feeling lucky to be the one of the few survivors, nonetheless having so many people to have left the place where we used to stay together is somehow saddening, I can’t tell the exact feeling now, it’s not yet happening, i’m probably just preparing mentally, after all, changes, is the essence of life…..
Another transition at this stage is, when I go back again, I’ll be involved in some sort of student research programme, I can’t call it as a research programme exactly, I’m probably just helping out here and there in a academic research laboratory, taking a baby step in the real research arena, it’s significant though, as without the baby step, I wouldn’t know when, or even if I will ever be involved in this arena anymore….it certainly has brought me some excitements and I must admit that I’m looking forward to it, it’s just that at the same time, life will never be the same again, my schedule will be packed, and I guess I have a new priority in my daily life, or you can call it a short term goal in life…..
The taxi driver who drove me from PGP to boon lay place was a malay guy, and a very talkative person, though I half suspected that he did that purposely to earn more taxi fare from me by taking a few extra rounds, anyway not talking about that, he did tell me something that I hear from Singaporeans very very rarely, and he’s actually a Singaporean….
I’ve heard Singaporeans complaining their government, from public policies to public transport systems, well that’s a norm, but this guy just now, said something that, I actually have them in my mind, and for once I thought I was the only one who had it…..
“Singaporeans don’t actually earn anything, their assets are 0s, what the foreigners see are just the cover, those who realize this are Singaporeans who look into the content of the book”, to quote the uncle…..
For a very long time I insisted that I will earn enough money by working in Singapore and return home, by utilizing the exchange rate of Sing dollar to RM, I should be able to conduct a decent life….
Well how much is enough? How long is enough? And you really are willing to accept salaries in Malaysia after getting payed Sing dollar for years?
Questions by questions they come like tsunami, both in mind and also from friends’ mouths, for I always think that, to earn sing dollar in order to buy a car and a house in Singapore, is somehow not so practical, something like, you earn and you spend it, nothing left in your pocket…..
After 2 years being in Singapore, I don’t know how strong still this mindset is in my thinking, and life is getting busier that this topic is rarely raised up, until today when the uncle talked about it, honestly, I was actually happy to have someone who share the same view with me, although I didn’t tell him what I thought, but I guess I’m not totally a freak after all, that someone actually have the same opinion as I do, lol…….
1 more month of vacation in hometown, and here comes a new life, partially maybe….

malaysians

2008-06-20T15:00:00.001+08:00

Malaysians, our identities, how I wish that one day, I can tell others, Malaysians are undivided, regardless of skin colours, and we are proud of the unity

home

2008-06-09T22:46:00.000+08:00

it's almost a month after my last paper early May, and i barely had any mental preparation to admit that, largely because, as usual, i honestly have no idea what'd i done so far....
it's the first time for me to not go home for such a long time, guess it's almost 4 months already, and deep in my heart i can sense the desperation of going home, and the feeling is getting stronger and stronger, though i know, there won't be much for me as years pass, friends back in hometown are getting lesser, most of them are busy in university, but home, is all i need now.....
i know there's another person who is as homesick as i am, there's very little thing i can do other than just try to be with her as much time as i can, 3 months vacation is long, not necessary a good thing, the longer you have, the more commitment you need to make, the more stuff you need to take care of.....
as one grows older, the vacation in life gets shorter, a saying in spiderman movie, with great power comes great responsibilities, well we're not superheroes, but as we grow older, no doubt our abilities get upgraded gradually, and everyone has a destiny to fulfil, yeah, destiny, this word doesn't only apply to great people, but to every ordinary people like you and me...
the topic gets dragged too far, there's still a couple of weeks before my scheduled plan of going home, i shall look forward to the day of going home.....

tele agent....

2008-05-29T21:24:00.000+08:00

i never thought that, talking on the phone, can be so demanding, so overwhelming.....
it's the first day of being a tele agent, or so-called tele markerter, the so-called training was just a simple introduction or background given on the project i'm working on, and also a show of how the system works in the company, nothing more than that, and i was expected to explore in the wide ocean......
i don't like it, i don't like the environment of the office, it's congested with tables, fitted maximally to accommodate as many computers and people as possible, and when everything kick start, it's very much like a trade centre of stock, where everyone speak very fast, move very fast, work very fast, in case you wonder, i hate those....
my supervisor speaks and works like a bullet train, well i think she's working hard to exceed the speed of a bullet train, and guess what, she's sitting just beside me.....
i have a tendency to feel disgusted every time i start out something new, i don't know if this is also another norm of me, but what i can tell is, i still overwhelmed by all the calls i made, and i hope i can stand it, before i started to get really crazy......

师生关系

2008-05-27T19:16:00.000+08:00

今天完成了science dean's office的第三天工作，也不知道是不是这个长假的最后一天。。。
宽柔独中参观，到访了数个较普通的实验室及一个学生宿舍。别的事没干，就陪着学生和老师跑了一整天。。。
不知为何，一大班学生给我的感觉，就是一群大小孩，还未长大的小孩。。。
老师和他们的关系，总让我觉得，有点像小学的师生关系，老师对孩子的关怀，好像我从中学已经鲜少感觉得到，所以有点让我羡慕的感觉？我也不懂，或许师生关系，就是应该如此吧！我感觉不了，或许是没有这份福分。

luck

2008-05-18T01:23:00.000+08:00

i guess my luck still ain't improving......
well in case any of you guys wonder, the first 2 were taken after i've FINALLY shifted and cleaned my vacation room, while the last 2 were taken when i had to wait for a whole week before i got a room to shift and had to stay in a messy room, without able to unpack all the stuff....
i seriously have no idea of why is my luck missing after finals.....i wish anyone can tell me.....
i had to endure staying in a store room for a damn whole week without having mood to do anything constructive, friends came down from malaysia for a few days and even when my initial plan was to join them, due to the f**king unlucky series of incidents i wasn't able to join them, when i know they came down to visit us, i had my toe hit on the door, causing basically rather immobile for a few days, and today when i finally am confident with my recovery i wore sport shoes to play badminton, i sprained my ankle......
ok, fine, it's luck to blamed, i didn't do anything wrong, in fact i didn't do anything, feel that it's been so long although it was only actually a week......
and the weather is freaking hot here, again......
oh god....

过一天算一天

2008-05-16T12:37:00.000+08:00

朋友来了几天，原定的计划是好好地与他们玩上几天，结果因为一连串的意外，搞得从头到尾都没见面几次，虽不能说非常难过，但难掩失望之色。
也不能说完全没见面，还是在一起用了几餐，走了一会儿的校园及百货公司。问题在哪里呢？我是真的老了吗？还是，我脱节了？之前一直被朋友笑说我的身体逐渐老化，我却不敢苟同。当然，自己的身形已经没有当年的标准，赘肉开始增长，但也不至于到达老化的境界，我的体能还是有相当的水准。既是如此，为何朋友还会开这样的玩笑？我不禁开始怀疑，自己的生活习惯，开始与他们脱节。一开始以为的，是与他们脱节，表示与年轻脱节。过后再细细想来，也不禁哑然失笑，我如今走的路，过的生活，是自己的选择，但我的心境却从不觉老，又何来变老之谈？
但说真的，人体老化的现象实在趋向年轻化，自己的身材也开始在转变，才不禁让自己提高了警惕。开始注意了自己的生活习惯。早睡早起，多喝水，多吃蔬果，少吃油腻食物，多运动，等等等等。。。。年轻，是本钱，但是不是无尽的泉源，带的有一天突然发觉这个道理，可能对某些人来说，为时已晚。
话说回来，最近这几天的霉运实在不想多提，就算身处三个月的长假，也没有期待或雀跃的心情。迫切所想的，是能尽快完成搬家的使命，至少让我真正感觉到身处在一间房间，而不是货舱。如无意外周末应该能够完成，但愿不要再出什么乱子。工作呢？懒啊，我从不否认自己由头到尾都不想在假期里工作，若不是假期长得可怕，真是想也不用想。随缘吧，想太多，只怕连假期最基本的权利，躲开压力的机会都丧失。
基本上，我的日子，还是过一天算一天。。。。

problems

2008-05-11T18:05:00.000+08:00

i don't understand, suddenly i stopped myself and keep questioning, what's the purpose of all these?? i'm like spinning rounds and rounds for nothing, and i've spent quite an amount, for nothing??
yeah, 3 months holiday sounds attractive to a lot of people, even to us, the so-called students who actually worked like cows and horses for the employer called NUS and the ultimate boss called Singapore.....
i love holiday, but the thing is, when the holiday gets too long, it becomes something that i have troubles going through.....
well since last year i didn't really spend time being here, working some part time job, i decided that it might be a good idea to give it a try this time, for whatever reasons you wanna say...
and so exam timetable came out, my last paper happened to be on the 6th of may, here comes first problem, if i were to work on a 2 months temporary job here, what's left is only about 3 weeks at home, assuming that there's really someone who is willing to hire a part timer for only 2 months...
and second problem pops up, it's a need for me to come back probably 2 weeks earlier for UROPS, at least to pick up some basic lab skills before i can even say that i'm doing anything productive and not a liability of the lab and all the staff....
if that's the case, there's the 3rd problem now, i can't bear the fact that i can only stay at home for a week, coz once i start up UROPS project, it's very unlikely that i can go home.....
i'm going for an interview tomorrow afternoon, which i have no confident in, and i still am not able to move in to my room..
i need some time........

health

2008-05-09T07:07:00.000+08:00

it's 7 am in the morning, feng ee just left foyer, headed to golden mile complex and then will take bus back to kl half an hour ago, for her grandma's funeral, which, suddenly reminds me of mine...i mean my grandma's.....
i wasn't close to my grandparent, honestly, other than my father's side grandpa, i seriously don't feel much pain when they passed away..
ok, that doesn't mean that i'm not concerned at all, it's probably because i didn't stay together with them, and i was never the grandchild they liked the most, yeah, probably i'm hald cold-blooded, you can say that.....
i missed both my grandmas' funeral, father's side because of STPM, mother's side because of NUS CA, both of them passed away due to diseases, as what majority of old people do. Something i realized after they passed away was really the fear to diseases, not for myself, but my parent, it was only after that, i started to pay more attention to my parent's health and, be very very anxious when any unhealthy symptoms appear on them....
i'm a life sciences student, day by day i'm exposed to more and more of mechanisms of diseases, and trust me, the more you learn about diseases, the more you feel vulnerable, and the more you feel worried for your loved ones...
talking about my grandpa, i remembered how i lost my someone i loved very much for the first time, he was the healthiest, but he was the first to leave, and i can still recalled the day he was declared dead was the day he's supposed to be discharged of the hospital, it's nothing more than just a routine body check up in the hospital...
i was still a little young to make myself understand the reasons behind that time, but when i saw the doctor just sat there and said nothing could be done that time, there's a sudden urge in me that i'd go and gave him a few punches and slaps on his face.....
he was a role model, he was the one who care the most for my well being, my studies other than my parent, i remembered him giving me rewards everytime i had good results, he was the inspiration i pursued great heights in academics.....
health conscious is something that i'm getting more concerned nowadays, your body ages faster than you can ever imagine, after you realize it some other day, it could be too late

Exams?goodbye.......temporarily

2008-05-07T01:57:00.000+08:00

exams over.....but i don't have the joyful feeling....not at all....and this is the first time i don't feel so....
last paper wasn't a good one, it's long time ago since i last got shocked by a paper with only mcq, well today i had another one, 40 questions in 2 hours, honestly you can finish it within 45 minutes, or you can actually take more than 2 hours, depends on what is the outcome you want.....
the damn swimming pool was closed once i reached just after my paper, arh....after the agonizing reading, can't you just let me exercise??
went queensway and ikea to shop for some necessities...ended up paying expensive prices for something that's not i wanted to have....my wallet is bleeding...internally....
it's definitely not the best start of vacation this time, i've got things awaiting for me even after exams, gotta start reading on cell culture protocols for coming UROPS, gotta shift to a new room, arh...after one year i'll need to pack and unpack again...gotta look for a temporary job, here comes the best part, i'm not so sure if i can get a job that meets my requirement, i want it to end before July, and i don't wanna work as a SALES ASSISTANT anymore, it's gonna be headache-ing, yet i know i have the obligation....
well it's already 2 am, i forgot when was the last time i stayed up that late, and it's not gonna be good to my health, so i guess i should really go to bed now, updates to be continued....

updates

2008-05-01T21:50:00.000+08:00

just a regular report during exam season i guess...
guess i'm already used to the mentality of only handling 3 papers long before reading week during this semester, that i suddenly realize i'm actually a little less stressed up compared to others only recently, just too bad that i guess, i'll be back to 5 modules again next semester onwards, nonetheless, i worked very hard for the other 2 previously....
current status:1 down and 2 more to go, the first one was chinese grammar, the module i dislike most this sem, i like mandarin, but maybe not TECHNICAL mandarin....the term paper before reading week DRIVED ME CRAZY....and so i decided to back up 1 S/U for it, unless there's surprises, which i doubt so, with the quality of my term paper....
the left over are metabolism and molecular bio, more or less memory work for the first one, and conceptual work for the latter i guess....i don't like metab, not only because of the heavy memorization, but also it's a biochemistry module, the DAMN DEPARTMENT IS FREAKINGLY DEMANDING.....
molecular biology was actually the one which freaked me out the most at first, that was only during the beginning, i like the syllabus, it's something relevant, and make more sense compared to some stupid memory work...oops..i didn't mean metab oh.....it's a very challenging module in terms of exam nevertheless....
so..what's my plan after exam??first destination has to be queensway, i've broken mine and feng ee's racquet string, not a good sign, doesn't show that you've got strength in playing badminton but just, not good in taking care of racquet.....
anyway, will keep it updated after all the papers..

Travel

2008-04-25T18:06:00.000+08:00

i guess it's another transforming stage of mine, starting to feel...the urge to travel...
i'm not the kind of person who likes to travel, really, it's probably something not good about me, i tend to settle down everywhere i go, not wanting to go further...
well it's exam season, again the stress comes, how do i know? my nose and my eyes tell me exactly, flu and red eyes are my everyday companies now, instead of books, oh my.....
looking at other people's photo is quite enjoyable, if i do it selectively of course, and i didn't realize that after adding some friends in facebook, the photo albums in my account suddenly become so many, and yeah, i was looking at photos, of other people, at different places...
feng ee once said that, the world is so big, it's just so sad if one cannot go around and have a look, while this may not be affordable to everyone, i think i'm feeling what she feels....

grow up

2008-04-14T10:55:00.000+08:00

how long has it been since the last time you stumbled?i'm not referring to deadlines of assignments,failure of tests,but rather,times that you think you failed in your life,that you probably need to admit that you're,after all,not that mature,and need some feedback on yourself?
some people are just born to be fortunate,in every aspects of their lives,sounds familiar?because they are everywhere,younger generations have become more and more pampered,more importantly,thanks to the previous generations that after they've gone through the pains in their lives,they've done REALLY A LOT just to make sure us,the younger generation to avoid the so called "unnecessary" pains and to take the fastest shortcut to reach the desired destination in life....
people are getting smarter generation by generation,it's true that things are different for each and every generation,but no pain no gain is,erm...something very true....
"to grow up physically is a must,to grow up mentally is an option",quote from a friend,not sure if it's quoted from someone else or his own creation,anyway,is it really a blessing to stay young and childish?so that you can stay away from worries and stress?while the saying "a person's meat might be another person's poison" is very true,those who are lucky enough to extend their years of being young and childish a little bit longer,could very well be a blessing for themselves,it's just that,other than it being a disaster to people around them,it could also,require much bigger price than they can ever imagined....

感觉

2008-04-08T16:36:00.000+08:00

年轻人，似乎都忽略了时间的威力，似乎都不明白，相处的真正意义。。。
一颗星的陨落，代表着更多颗星的升起，只是，你和我，都不愿意成为陨落的那一颗。。。。
要怎么样，才能算是了解一个人？一年？两年？十年？一百年？时间，在这一刻对我来说，已经不是一个可靠的尺度，来衡量，来推断，所谓的，对人的了解。
看过患上双重性格这种精神疾病的人吗？或许，我不应该称之为精神疾病，天知道世上到底有多少人都拥有着不止两面的性格？你身边的人有多少个？你每天新认识的人有多少个？或许不能说是数之不尽，但也很少人会真正的深究这个问题。但是，你身边有多少人，你觉得了解他？这看起来容易回答许多。。。
真的吗？再想想吧！有时候，我反而会觉得，前者容易答得多，需要的只是时间，但是答案却是绝对的；反观后者，我敢说，世上决少数的人，能够给你一个肯定的答案，除非你是他身上的一条毛。
太难了，太多了。太难了解一个人了，太多的性格层面存在于每一个人的深层意识里了。人与人的相处，仿佛都因为不同的关系，而存在着一种最佳距离。这种距离因人而异，距离太远了，关系很难维持；距离太近了，却又互相排斥。。。
你觉得身边的某人很完美？再观察吧！你觉得身边的另一些人糟透了？可能吧！只是，说不定有一天扶你一把的，会是这一些所谓糟透的人。
朋友，逐渐成为城市人的我们，变得越来越孤单，感觉，来得越来越快，年纪越来越长了，或许，再也不是意气用事的时候了，再也不能说，感觉到，什么都到。

lost

2008-03-27T20:34:00.000+08:00

what a shame you've lost this game..................
you'd have thrashed him 21-0 if it was the you few years ago......
oh i just couldn't imagine what have i done just now.....
i couldn't even control the ping pong ball, i couldn't even make a simple stroke, arh....i'm just so disappointed by myself, how can i tell anyone that i once was a player???i really don't know how shocked would my peer players be if they've have seen me just now.....
just.....ignore my rubbish, i need a break.......

residence

2008-03-23T20:23:00.000+08:00

the student hostel, well not very much of a student hostel actually, the residential area in which i'm staying now, is named Prince George's Park Residences. It didn't take a lot of pain to realize that, I've stayed here for almost 2 years, at least 2 academic years. The residential area has been a witness of my pains and gains here for 2 years, and suddenly i'm feeling sick of it.
the first time i heard someone telling me he's feeling sick of this place was more than half a year ago. A senior, who is currently staying in another residential area, also located in campus, told me this, when we met each other in laundry room. It's kind of funny for me, when he said he carried his dirty clothings all the way from his room to PGP for laundry service. No doubt then, that his residence's laundry service is way too bad compared here, but still he was determined to move out when he was given a choice. i think he must be really fed up with this place that even with such inconvenience, he still, moved out.
The second time i heard about feeling bored with PGP was from a peer, a girl. She doesn't wanna go to hall, but she is at the same time, bored with PGP.
Having 55 ECA points this year was actually something more than just a pure achievement to me, it's more like something i did to contradict to what i said before this. before this i thought it'll be super torturing if i wanna accumulate enough points to stay for one more year. Nonetheless i gave it a try, and the result came out as much more surprising than i expected it to be.
my friend staying in hall even invited me to move over, without a second thought i replied by saying that i feel good staying here, there's no need to move.
But tonight, all of a sudden, i feel so sick of this place, this residential area, this room of mine.....
The residence has indeed provided great convenience to students here, but just too bad the university is not allowing students here to have lives and time to enjoy the facilities....
now that the accommodation fee rises, it makes moving out more tempting to some of us, or maybe many of us, anyway, sometimes feeling sick of something doesn't mean that you have the power to change something, this is life.

我的写作

2008-03-17T21:30:00.000+08:00

我已经不太能写得出了。。。。
犹记得两，三年前的自己，写作的灵感总是不断，就算是突然间有什么人要求即席写作，也不难在生活中的，哪怕是在琐碎的事物里找到灵感。当时的感觉棒极了，写作更成了我的精神寄托，当时那一段不开心的时刻，多亏手上的一枝笔，便显得不那么的不堪回首。是的，写作，一直是我生命的一部分，生命的一大部分。就像是音乐，就像是书本一样，对我来说，没有它们，就不是生命。
这两年的改变，也不知道问题在那里，我已经不太能写得出了。。。。
是没有时间吗？是灵感的泉源已干枯吗？我不知道，有留意我写作的朋友应该都能发觉，比较起两年前，写的东西明显的少了，而且范围更狭隘得只局限于许多对周遭的不满，又或是悲伤时的疯言疯语。我的作品里面，不知道已经多久没有出现对生活里许多细微事物的看法，从前的感性，从前的细腻，好像都被永远都不够用的时间挤出我的大脑。好悲哀，好心疼。。。
有人曾大条道理的对我说，这就是生活啊！每个人都是如此。唉，可怜对我说此番话的人，还有在我身边许许多多赞同他这番话的人，竟然都把这一切当成理所当然。我无从选择，唯有随着急流的方向，看它把我带到什么地方。无论如何，心中的那一份惋惜，久久不能释怀。

老歌

2008-03-08T18:42:00.000+08:00

偶尔听听老歌，还是会带来不少惊喜，只是不知道这是否表示，我也老了。。。

压力

2008-02-29T23:19:00.000+08:00

想不到多年之后，功课的压力，竟然有在我毫无准备，手足无措的情况之下，再次侵蚀我的心灵。我那敏感的肠胃，经不起那样的挑拨，不得已，只得加速工作，搞得我在演唱会里连跑两次厕所。
还记得一位学长曾经说，他的印象中，在我念大学先修班的那段时间，功课压力似乎不曾离我而去。自己倒是并不如此觉得，是否表示其实潜在心中的那股压力，自己一直都没察觉？若是如此，自己一直以为自己的轻松，岂非自欺欺人？
我倒不是介意他人的看法，只是若事情真若如此，我非得再次自我反省不可，纯粹因为多年来被所谓的压力搞得自己活得不像人，好不容易在这两年开始看得比较开了，说的是开始过得比较开心了，倘若如今突然发现这一切都不过是在骗自己，怎不叫自己迫切反省？
在怡保的前几天，在车上听会了从前录起来的卡带。里面的老歌，又让我找回了当初的感动，不知任何一位偶然在读我的这篇文章之时，是否也能找到，同一份感动？

沉闷

2008-02-27T00:52:00.000+08:00

学期中的一周假期，离年假不过是两星期后，很多大学同学都选择留在宿舍，我却因为某些正经的原因，加上自己也想偷懒，跑回来家乡过几天。
这一天晚上，突然看见放在书架里的相簿，自然而然的取出来，一张张地翻看，最上一次翻看的时候，好像是和枫镱一起看的，不知不觉地，半年了，又半年了。我好像和朋友说过，总觉得人长得越大，同样的每一份每一秒，好像过得越来越快。大概是人长得越大，离死亡越接近，更感觉时光飞逝这句话的意义所在吧！
已经数不清是多少次以文字去回忆和朋友之间的一切一切，但每隔一段时间，总是有一股冲动，想要再次重复，总是没完没了。这一个晚上，突然间在想，我在怀念的，是朋友？还是，从前的自己？
离当年的自己越久，越觉得自己当初实在幼稚的可笑，也开始醒觉，从前的自己，原来是那么的我行我素，甚至做出许多从前不会觉得，但现下却深深感受到的荒唐行为。
倘若有这么一个机会，让我重新再回到当年，很多已成历史的往事，或许会变成梦一场，或者当年留在心中的烙印，会因此而不出现。
人生，其实并不能说得上精彩绝伦，但最别致的，可以说是，很多生命里的事，都只会发生那么一次。或许应该说，每一天起床的我们，似乎都是刚出生的婴儿，对新一天将发生的事，一点经验也没有，一点准备也没有。那匆匆数十载，就是经过一天又一天的试验，完成的。
我总是有这么一个。。。不知道该不该称之为缺点，总是在事情发生过后，才责怪自己，埋怨自己，然后觉得，其实自己可以做得更好。多年累积下来，我的心，其实充满着遗憾，其实充满着不满，对自己的不满，对人生的遗憾。
炎热的天气，把我的睡意都蒸发掉了，在这一刻，我的心情有点沉重，有点悲伤，有点感叹，很多年前曾经悬浮在心中的问题，或者不算是一个问题，又重新冒出来了。其实，一路走来，写了那么多，一直最遗憾的，是缺乏了一个知音。。。。。

what's wrong with our idols?

2008-02-22T20:13:00.000+08:00

guess the biggest news recently is the scandalous photos and videos of edison chen, other than the coming election of Malaysia.......
someone told me that edison chen returned to Hong Kong and organized a press conference for the incident, FINALLY.....
it wasn't difficult to search the clip in youtube, but before watching, i read the full text written somewhere else in the net, i mean the whole thing that he poured out in front of all the reporters
he expressed his apologies to his family, to the victims and their families, and also to the society of Hong Kong, he said he will complete all his job on hand, and quit the entertainment industry of Hong Kong without a time frame, TO HEAL HIMSELF AND SEARCH HIS SOUL, and he claimed that he was all the while and will continue assisting the police force in handling the case....
well since one of the ladies, Gillian also had said something in front of media regarding the incident, i watched hers as well
she said she is sorry for making such deep impacts to the society, and she felt she was so naive, innocent, and silly, and now she HAS GROWN UP
i don't know how you would look at all these words, but i feel amused, and entertained, by some childish explanation and excuses
came across an article about this issue in student lounge today, the writer complaint that fans of their idol, who is one of the victims, are all cheated, disappointed, and what's more? she said that THEY ARE THE ONES WHO ARE SILLY, but not the idol herself
now this is not funny, but something worth thinking seriously, i believe anyone who doesn't hate the girls initially, would never thought that the contrast of their image on screen, in film and their image in those photos, is such HUGE....
images of artists are all manipulated by the companies they belong to, but probably a lot of us have ignored, or even have forgotten this rule of entertainment industry...
artists have the role to be a good role model for their fans, something edison said he has failed to do so, think again, among all the artists we see today, how many of them really want to be that role model?or rather, how many of them are actually of that type of person?they constantly portray the so called moral values of life in the public, but in real life, are they, in anyway, know or understand any of the values?they look so perfect and mature and understanding and friendly in front of everyone, but when they are not facing us, who knows if they are actually worse than us?
life is much more boring without the entertainment industry and without all the artists, but no one ever say that it's wise to believe in blindly what an idol say or do, the impact this incident brought to the society is great, but may not be so great if all the fans could actually understand, artists are just human, and sometimes they may not be a better person than us.....
as for the press conference, what i feel really funny is that, whatever they say, will not make any effect to the incident, but it's something that they must do, what a funny rule of the entertainment world.....
i feel sorry to those who are hurt, and for those who did something seriously wrong, probably this is not the best way to create popularity.....

唉。。。

2008-02-16T19:27:00.000+08:00

进退两难，左右为难，两头不到岸。。
唉。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。
这一口气，不晓得要叹得多常，才能释放出内心的无奈。。。。
不断的怀疑，一直以来的坚持，是对？还是错？

it's over

2008-02-06T21:24:00.000+08:00

It’s over, finally…..
Well in case you might wonder, I’m again blogging in the bus, which means I’m again writing in word file, and later upload it when I have access to internet…..
It seems harder and harder for me to just write a few lines in my blog whenever I’m in my room, well at least that’s true for the past 3 weeks, it’s only until I’m in a bus now that I have the mood and right feeling for blog, after so long….
Talking about the past 3 weeks, I was busy, yes I was BUSY, my first time in NUS that I barely have time to read my lecture notes, to clean my room, to even watch one or two episodes of drama….
Do I enjoy it? Did I ask for it? Or….I had a difficult time going through all that?
to be exact, I’m not sure, I can’t say that I hate it and can’t wait to have it over, but at the same time, it wasn’t easy to also endure some of the harsh moments, I guess this feeling is just typical, after all, things ain’t gonna be perfect, and perhaps I should be grateful, after the whole experience, I gained more than what I’ve expected, though the price is really not cheap….
Studies’ been tough so far, tougher than what I imagined it to be in fact, my grades improved again last semester, although again it’s not up to my expectation….
Improvement is good, but the subsequent effort is tough, coz it’s human nature to always ask for more, and mind you, I’m just a normal person, what’s more, I’m a KIASU person, that’s a reason solid enough for me to suffer in NUS……
Let’s not talk about things which are discouraging, I’m now on my way back to ipoh, back to kampong for Chinese new year celebration, err….maybe not much of celebration, but just, for a family gathering, for a reunion dinner….
Do I not have a strong bond to my family? I love my family, and I dare say my relationship with my parent and sibling is irreplaceable, but maybe not so much for the big family, my uncles, my aunts, and my cousins……
People say big families come with problems, I can’t agree with that more, I don’t feel like talking much about the issues in my big family, but just one thing, as I grow up, as I’m more and more exposed to the different “sides” of human nature, I feel less and less excited about going back kampong, about the so called family gathering, I just, don’t feel comfortable…..
Chinese new year, the greatest thing about this is food to me, haha, since when food is so important to me?? Food outside of hometown is just too sucky……which made me think of food every time festival is around, Chinese new year is of no difference, I hope the extra weight I gain during the coming few days will be still acceptable…..

朋友

2008-01-19T10:35:00.000+08:00

开始有点讨厌自己的房间，十点不到，太阳直射房里，又闷又热，那还有睡意？
又在浏览朋友们的friendster照片，发觉在一百张当中，大概有超过一半的都是在大学的生活，也就是说，不是与自己一同度过的生活。
饶是如此，在那当中还是夹杂着那一两张曾经拥有的照片，看着那时候的自己，也看着那时候的朋友，感觉涌上心头，朋友，还是老的好，还是老的了解自己，特别是这段期间，简直难以笔墨形容。

Frustration

2008-01-19T01:12:00.003+08:00

ah....i just hate the feeling, i just hate the feeling that i can't do what i want to do, and i'm FORCED to do what i'm TOLD to do....
what's the feeling when you only do what you're told to, but not what you feel and want to,that's probably the heaviest punishment to one, well maybe not for those who doesn't really know what he or she wants, but those people are just.....worthless to mention
i hate being a doll, i hate ordered by people, i just don't wanna do things that i don't feel correct but some other people do, and i just don't feel i'm myself anymore when i'm acting according to other people's reaction or response,they are disgusting, who are they and what makes them think they can decide for me?what is so great in them until they think their words and decisions are correct?
capability is probably a complement, popularity is the only thing you need to make command in this world....i don't believe in this,not in the past, not in the present,never in the future, i don't believe in the lies of those "thick-skinned" people, i'm not entertained by those fooling around from jokers indulged in their popularities....
my words are not taken, my voices are not heard, well if that's the case what else do i care??hell yeah, what else should i care,it's just rubbish to me after all

what a day......

2008-01-15T22:39:00.000+08:00

the first day of semester 4 was no fun at all.....
well the lecturer for the first lesson today ended up late for almost an hour, and he could still give some stupid excuses smilingly like a rock star awaited long by fans.....and sorry to say that i just couldn't feel his excitement in his teaching, all i felt was just...sleepiness, sleepiness, and sleepiness, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
rushing from LT32 to LT10 is definitely going to be a new challenge for me this coming semester, i guess i'm never gonna think that NUS students walk very slowly other than because of this reason, and guess what, the lecturer for the chinese module is another world class hypnotherapist with world class lame jokes.....
and again, rushing from LT10 to LT26 is again the same as above, well at least the lecturer this time isn't that boring, but i think i need more rest before going through all these again next week

误会

2008-01-12T11:12:00.000+08:00

多年前一套台湾偶像剧“紫藤恋”的主题曲，又林心如及韩国帅哥韩在石主演，多年后在网上重新听见，感触，也怀念，歌，还是老的好。

sunset

2008-01-11T18:06:00.000+08:00

it's the second day for msl performance team to practise for the International Student Night of Infusion, and it serves as a reminder to me that the school, is reopening soon and i, am going to the fourth semester in NUS...
didn't expect it to come so fast, i mean, 2 weeks before this when i just got back to this little room, i was still wondering what can i do much during such a long holiday faraway from home before school starts again, since the only reason for me being here 2 weeks before school reopens is only to "standby", for god's sake...
well 2 weeks passed, and i'm almost done with my timetable arrangement, time to settle down for another long war i guess, not another actually, it's a prolonged, years-lasting war, and the past one month of so called holiday was just a resting period, for you to breath, yeah, just to breath....
the sky is getting dark, and i had to switch on lights in my room, and oh, it's another nice sunset of the day from the view of my cluster corridor...
people with chinese education background would understand one famous chinese saying about the sunset, saying how nice it is to admire throughout the whole day, but how also so short that people wouldn't have chance to appreciate much before it disappears everyday....
sunset, is like the trailer of a movie, short but not to be missed, it shows, only, the best part of the movie, just like life in everyday, the best part of life in everyday.
i used to like sunset a lot, and i still remembered how i jogged and admired the sunset when i was still staying in my hometown, it is, something that you can have and appreciate everyday, but just because you can doesn't mean that you will....
but now, i miss home a lot everytime i see sunset, it's not so nice to use the best part of your day to miss home, but somehow at this particular moment, i just feel a little discouraged.....
nah...not really negative, i should say it's nostalgia rather than discouraged coz...i'm back to the war, back to the war of unknown, i'm always struggling, there are always more than one parties inside me, taking their turns to tell me what to do, and without fail, ask me what to believe in....
i'm fine, don't worry, i'm just....doing what i'm used to do a lot all the time, and tomorrow is gonna be just like any other day, just what i'm used to all the time...

homesick

2007-12-29T22:39:00.000+08:00

i miss home, desperately....
i wouldn't miss home so much if the place i am now is so dead..
and those people who are same as me now, staying in this dead city, will just be as homesick as i am, i'm sure...
i'm just in the midst of the holiday, for god's sake i'm already back in NUS, staying here for no other reasons but just to standby....2 more weeks before welcoming the next semester, and i have to endure all of them...
the past 2 weeks of holiday at hometown was....busy, i can only think of this word to describe, and i must say it's very..busy.
it's just merely a weekend, that i went home from NUS, before i departed to Taiwan for family trip...
i personally do not give much hope to the trip, well following tour guide isn't that great after all, you're rushing for tourist spots in fact, but it's the first ever family trip for my family, i must and i want to make it as perfect as possible...
6 days trip, was shortened to 4 days, as the first and last day were used to travel..
taiwan....is not what i imagined it to be....i have to admit that assuming it to be one of the most advanced countries in Asia, i compared it with singapore, very much in terms of architecture of buildings and streets, but it was...surprising to realize that it's very much japanese style actually, and then only i realized taiwan was under the colony of japan for 50 years....
taiwan's pasar malam is so grand that i suspect it's one of the main contribution of their national income,haha, and i had the chance to taste some of the popular food introduced on tv, tasty but, very unhealthy....
taiwan people are simple, not to say that they are simple minded, but they give me the feeling that they are nice, friendly, simple, and honest, even those who sell food and clothes at pasar malam gave me the same feeling, unlike people in malaysia, which gives a strong support to what i always think, m'sians' mentality are still way too immature compared to other nations, and other people deserve to have better achievements in terms of nation development solely because of this reason....
after 6 tiring days, feng ee came to ipoh, had nice times together in ipoh and cameron, though a lot surprises popped up, lol, nevertheless, it's memorable, glad to fulfil a lot of promises that i gave her before, great food she tasted, fun time spent with her in cameron, though not long enough actually, but still there are more opportunities to come....
after that, uncles and aunties took turn to come and stay in my house for several days,lastly, spent another 2 days with my gang in ipoh, and that's it,goodbye my holiday in ipoh, here i am, back in pgp....
it's only at this moment that i suddenly realize that everyone in pgp is lonely, despite the fact that some of them have stayed here for several years, it's just that when semester starts, the workloads have overwhelmed all your feelings, but when there's nothing to occupy yourself, loneliness, is all you have here....

Love

2007-12-09T01:17:00.000+08:00

This will be the first time ever for me to blog on the bus, to blog while I’m travelling….

Of course, there is no internet connection on the bus, (I wonder how advanced it is If they have…)anyway, that doesn’t mean I have no chance in blogging while I’m travelling…it’s as simple as writing it in a word file and upload it when I have connection much later…..

So depending on which day I’ll upload it, the blog you’re reading now is not of current stage of mine….

Anyway, it sounds weird or stupid to blog in this kinda situation, well no t really for me…

This is the end of my 3^rd semester in NUS, and I’m going home alone now….i hope sometimes that someone can give me an answer, for I just can’t help but keep thinking a lot every time I travel home…..

One and a half year in NUS or singapore, I must say that I’ve grown up, I’ve gained a lot more than I could have expected before, yet I’ve lost numerously, so much so that I can’t really tell how much I’ve lost….

I’m a perfectionist who’s forced, or rather learn in a hard way to embrace the imperfection in the world, the process is worth another story, which I’d tell some other time…but having changed from yearning for perfection to accepting imperfection peacefully, and to appreciate and feel thankful for the imperfection, it’s such a complicated process, a growth of mind that I’m forever grateful to everyone who have helped me to go through.

From studies, I proceeded to the stage of friendship which puzzled me constantly throughout my pre uni years, and now to relationship which, I’m a beginner

Thank god that I’m having, and hopefully I will have a steady relationship as long as we can maintain, but probably not as lucky for other people….

Feelings for others, for the opposite sex, especially for my age now, can appear as fast as lightning, can be as strong as steel, can be as fragile as glass, too bad can also be as weak as you can ever imagine….

The best thing on earth is the most torturous one, do you agree?

Love, for your family, for your friends, for your soul partner, for mankind on earth, is the most precious, best ever thing for each and every one of us on earth, and it is the most torturous element in our lives…..

My English is probably still not good enough to express what I feel now, witnessing people pursuing for this element of life, some of them fall, some of them succeed, some of them give up, some of them persevere, some of them feel jealous because of others, some of them feel sorry for others, there’s just too much you can imagine, and too much you can understand all to have the best solution for them all…..

I’m having my own problem, and I’m working very hard to have it cleared in my life, still I care for the progress of people around me, as what is mentioned above, something as fragile as glass, is something not affordable to be mishandled, or the scars will probably live with you as long as you do……

When there’s sth that you just can’t do anything about it, probably the best solution is to leave it aside, and things will be fixed somehow, just too bad too few people believe in it, and too few people manage to do it

情

2007-12-07T02:24:00.000+08:00

“离别是将来的相聚，相聚是未来的离别”。这句话，对很多人来说，都是悲哀的，尤其是想到这句话要应验在关心自己或自己关心的人身上，那该是何等折磨。
只是，从一开始听见这句朋友赠的名言，就惊觉此理实在对得很。日子长了，这几年下来的经历，更让自己对这句话有更深的体会，切肤之痛，虽痛不在自己身上，而发生在他人身上，自己不过是目睹的第三者，但感同身受，何尝不也能令自己深切了解个中道理？
缘聚缘散，本就非天人所能控制，而是冥冥中的主宰，而这“冥冥”的力量，到底在何方？而主宰这股力量的，又是何方神圣？
看得聚合离散太多了，尤其是大多数都在自己的预言中验证，更对这一股莫名的力量感到无力，感到无奈，感到无常。
如此说来，对于刚因缘分相聚，甚至是在一起的人，是否根本不该为他们感到太过分的高兴？尤其是自己更不看好的，是否就更加不改带有任何祝福？
我从来都不曾对“情”字感到百分之百的信心，对我来说，情字所在，总是带三分虚假，时间一长，什么狐狸的尾巴都会露出来了。呵，世人多薄情，就算当下的那一刻付出的是百分之百的真情，谁能担保那一份所谓的真，到底能维持多久？
世人因情而聚，因情而散，因情而喜，亦因情而忧，聊无止境的循环，能看透的，没有多少人。

paper

2007-12-02T16:20:00.000+08:00

cluster的走廊静得可怕，哪怕只是在炎热的下午，我都感觉到一种了无生气的难受，拖鞋一双一双地消失了，有一点失落，有一点惆怅，更甚的，是沉闷。
你在干嘛？还不回到课本和笔记的怀抱里？怎么还浪费时间在无聊的部落格身上啊？我大概是无聊透顶得疯了，要借助一个自己写的部落格来教训自己，听起来有点好笑，但其实真正的感觉是悲哀。不是吗？当自己都在嘲笑自己的行为时，不是悲哀，难道是一种荣誉？
三张，我还有三张。。“哇，你还有三张都能那么轻松，一定很行吧？胸有成竹了吧？哎呀，别说什么压力啦，看你把握十足的样子，一定准备充足！”
对于这所谓的赞美，除了一笑置之外，我不知道还能给与什么样反应，什么样的回答。这是哪门子的道理啊！？为什么有paper就一定是那要生要死的臭脸？怎么？有paper就不能轻松吗？就不能喊“闷”吗？@#$*!，只觉得心中那一团闷火经不起那一点点的挑拨，否则自己就会像只猛兽般扑向对方猛咬。。。。
呵呵，我笑了，看着这一片像疯子写的文章，我自己也不得不笑了，写吧，继续写吧，写完之后又如何？骂吧，继续骂吧，骂完之后会怎样？事实终归事实，我也大概只能随着永无止境的循环旋转

moody

2007-12-01T00:37:00.001+08:00

i'm moody, for no formal reasons, i'm moody......
i used to be a moody person, used to be, i still remember vividly....
having attached for one year makes my life much happier, it's rare in the past one year that i fell into moodiness all of a sudden, but still i keep on reminding myself, conducting a happier life doesn't mean i'm ripped off the right to be moody, in fact, i shouldn't resist when it comes, even for no reasons, somehow i feel that it's a need for me to be a little moody once in a while
i told juniors, people here do have problems with them, especially during exam period, problems will bursts out like pimples on face....
having 3 papers consecutively during the end of exam season is no fun at all, i probably have to allocate part of the responsibility of making me moody to exam stress, though it's not making me crazy, still it's difficult to bear with.....
well back to moodiness, it's weird to say, but i really do feel familiar with being moody again, it's like having the old me back, in a certain extent...found myself in a big group of friends eating and enjoying fun time together, but i was just mingling around and smiling mildly to each and everyone, i didn't talk much, nor did i responded actively, but just, being there quietly....
i must say that i sense a small amount of comforts by doing so, of course it's not perfectly enjoyable to be moody, but i found it neither torturous nor hazardous to my health, but just....i need to be moody to be balance at that particular moment, for no reasons....
and now i'm listening to sad songs and writing negative blogs, well not so negative some might say......i used to do it a lot, again, i enjoy it actually......
i'm going to be 22, reminded by a friend who is sooner than me to be, no more a kid, no more a teen, but a young adult, and shouldn't be too volatile with emotions management.....absolutely agree with that, but for tonight, for no particular reasons, i just wanna be moody.....

Wedding

2007-11-21T00:58:00.000+08:00

i shouldn't be tired, but i am really, exhausted....
thanks to all the freaking modules this semester, i'm basically drowned in notes these 2 days, and there are more days to come....
went back hometown before this for my cousin brother's wedding, for 2 days, 16 hours of bus trip altogether, sounds crazy, even to me....
i can't say i'm very very close to him, i don't think he'd think that too, it's just that i have the urge to witness his wedding, the process of him starting a new family of his own....
he came down to ipoh to study in college after his SPM, 2 or 3 years i think, can't really recall those years, but i guess i was form 3..yeah around that...
he stayed quite near to my house, and went to my house for dinner almost everyday, sometimes i'd stay over in his place during weekends,we didn't really talk deep that time, what we usually did was merely buying ramly burger and watching late night show together,and...yeah,that's it.
i'm never close to my cousins, neither of my father's side nor from mother's side, he's not an exception, just that probably i find he's got some qualities that i kinda admire, and it's that feeling that i'd sacrificed 2 days of studies to attend his wedding ceremony.
family gathering, particularly for a person who's left home like me, is something happy and exciting. It's definitely a short one, i mean the one last week, nonetheless i felt unity of family, which i barely sensed it after both my grandparents passed away.
my family members aren't saints, i know they had quarrels in the past, and some of them don't really have the bond with others, but when it comes to family gathering, especially there are things like wedding, everything unhappy among them just disappears. Having both my grandparents lost, i know my family needs these to strengthen desperately.
taking bus back to singapore ALONE is not enjoyable, but the time before i fell asleep and not interested in the movie playing in the bus, was surprisingly a chance for me to do a little organization of my thoughts and memories....
i haven't done that for weeks....and the feeling is just nice that i can stop for a while in the long run and have a glimpse of what i've gone through. Time flies man, one more semester is gone, well what have i done that matters? and i'm getting fatter.....
ah.....i enjoy the feeling of having a flash back of my memories, and having to meet my cousin brother really recalled a lot of my own stories during my lower secondary years,anyway, congratulations to the couple